Feb 15: write a really sad scene
....
That familiar ache in my throat came back and my eyes moistened.
"Oh fuck," I cursed.
Don't think about it, don't think about it.
But no, the thoughts still found a way to slither into my head.
I opened up my drawer and grabbed my headphones. I ran down the stairs as the first drop of tears slid down my face. I put the headphones on, went straight to my livvy playlist and sad music started to blare from the speakers immediately.
I bit my lip as I remembered his last words to me.
I sat down on the porch and brought my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them.
“...does she mean you forgot about me?”
Thunder roared and I looked up into the darkening sky.
“I hope you're happy but not like how you were with me…”
I sighed as a chilly wind whipped around and the leaves on the potted plants and trees rustled violently. The sky was darkening by the second and so was my heart.
“...and I know how you take your coffee and your favourite songs by heart.”
“You found someone more exciting, and the next second you were gone...”
I could hear the pitter patter of the rain through the music and I didn't move back even when the rain poured in my direction.
“...maybe I wasn't as interesting as the girls you had before…but God you couldn't have cared less about someone who loved you more…”
“I'd say you broke my heart, but you broke much more than that…”
That part hit me hard and I started to whimper.
“Don't you think I loved you too much to be used and discarded”
I was young and I was naïve. Well, I still am, anyway.
At first it was embarrassing, I dunno why. But then as time went, I lost my shame more and more.
“Love is never logical…I know I'm half responsible and that makes me feel horrible…God why didn't I stop it all?”
It was scary, it was thrilling, it was fun…it was amazing! I still remember every little flower he put in my hair, I remember every mark he drew on my skin with markers.
I remember how hard it was to keep a straight face when he was around. He smiled so much. It was contagious.
“I hold on to every detail like my life depends on it…”
The mini heart attacks I got when you stared into my eyes so deeply, the feeling of extreme euphoria when you lean in to kiss me, the shocking thrills when you notice me in a full room and brush my arm as a greeting and walk off, when I'm talking with friends and you grab my neck from behind in a subtle attempt to strangle me.
“...just watch as I crucify myself…my God love’s embarrassing as hell”
I smile a sad smile and shake my head as I remember how I stiffen anytime he kisses my cheek when we hug.
“He's cheating on you,” they keep telling me.
I didn't listen to anyone, I wouldn't believe them. I talked to him about it…
“You called them crazy, God I hate the way I called them crazy too…”
And then, I see him kissing some girl from highschool and I'm so livid but then he shocks me and tells me to shut up and leave.
“Things change…’’ he said.
I sobbed and lay down, shivering.
How couldn't I see the way he looked at her. It's now I remember how his eyes went as she walked by. I remember seeing them together at times, but I was too blind.
And just like that, he told me I wasn't enough for him. Blocked contact with me, called me an obsessive, stupid, weird girl.
I didn't understand…I don't understand
“Now I hold it like a grudge, and I hear your voice everytime I think I'm not enough”
“How could anyone do the things you did so easily?”
When you're so in love you don't use your brain anymore, I realize. And the person you're obsessed with just plays with you in your brainless state.
“You got me thinking two plus two equals five, and I'm the love of your life”
“And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one”
“And I just can't imagine how you could be okay now that I'm gone”
I remember when you'd stroke my hair and tell me we'd be like this forever.
“do you tell her she's the most beautiful girl in the world and eternal love bullshit you know you'll never mean?”
It feels so weird. I struggle to breathe. The heartache is so much that I get numb and can't even feel my body anymore. It's like the only thing I can feel is the burning sensation in the middle of my chest. I can't make words come out of my mouth, I find it hard to move and I have this sudden desire to hurt myself.
I sob on the ground there as drops of rain hammers my body. I pull my wet hood over my head, like it's going to shield my headphones.
“Now you bring her around, just to shut me down, show her off like she's a new trophy”
I try myself to behave normal everytime I see them both. But aren't I allowed to lose it and have thoughts of killing them both?
“Oh, what a mesmerising, paralysing, fucked up little thrill”
“You said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard, you can't love anyone cuz that would mean you had a heart"
I just want to forget about him, forget about them, forget about everything, forget about all my memories before now. I just need him out of head. I just need it or I'll just…
My phone buzzed from the corner on the porch close to that door. I sat up slowly, wiping my face as more drops of rain fell in to my eyes.
The phone buzzed again and I stood up and stumbled curiously to it.
I squeezed the water out of the sleeves of my shirt and picked the phone up, freezing on the spot once my eyes landed on the screen.
Tyler: Hi, can we talk
Tyler: I miss you
My hand shook and my shoulders slumped.
No, no, no, use your brain this time Destiny.
I shook my head and let the phone slide out of my hands, wincing as it crashed to the ground but retreating slowly into the rain.
I decided to sit there for a while, hoping that the rain could wash off the anger, terror, and pain away from me. And hopefully the memories of him
“It takes strength to forgive but I don't feel strong.”
---
I just loved playing with these lyrics
My Duolingo app has been harassing me:
“hey, it's lily. Duo said you've been ignoring him. Giving up on learning French is so mainstream.”
…I can't laugh anymore or I'd die
