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I strolled with my usual sluggish gait through the quiet, cold and damp street. I wrapped my arms around my body and shivered slightly, enjoying the chilly weather and still wishing I had my hoodie on at the same time.
I was in my head once again. Lost. Out of this world. I didn't hear my name being called, even as it echoed through the quiet street.
I yelped and stumbled backwards as I felt a hand on my shoulder. Luckily, I didn't fall to the wet floor because Tyler caught me just in time.
He pulled me back up with a raised brow and faint smile on his lips and when I got to my feet I thanked him and placed my hands on my forehead, shaking my head as I shut my eyes.
When I opened them up, I found him him staring at me, his brows still raised in confusion.
“Sorry.” I sighed. “I was…thinking.”
He chuckled and stuck his hands into his hoodie pocket, giving me that slightly sardonic look that always got me annoyed.
“You're always thinking. Try to get out of your head sometimes.”
I gave him a pointed look. “Sure, can you help me out of there? I'd really like that.”
He smiled apologetically and then noticed that I was shivering slightly.
“I'm sure you don't need help. Just...get busy. You'd get out of there.”
“That's the curse, no matter what I'm doing I can't stop. I mean, except I don't think at all which is not possible. At least I don't want to try. I just have to think. It keeps me from going insane because if I don't think about it too much and dissect it I won't be at rest yet… it almost drives me insane because once you let the thought in...”
He took off the jacket with pursed lips and gave them to me. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt underneath.
When he noticed I was reluctant, he pressed on. “Please, just put it on. I can see you're shivering. The cold will kill you!”
I chuckled even though I was still a bit annoyed with him and took the jacket reluctantly. “Everything I love will probably kill me.”
The sentence made him pause and stare at me for a while. “What's that supposed to mean?”
I blinked slowly and realized I said that out loud.
“Sorry that was supposed to be–”
“Can't you just stop deliberately torturing yourself with this…mind of yours?"
"You really don't understand?" I asked in disbelief.
"Understand what?"
"That it's really hard to shut it up. It's not just like you thinking about things for some time It's like –"
"Okay." He folded his arms and stood patiently. "Maybe I don't know how it is. Talk to me like your head talks to you."
My brows rose. "Are you sure? We have somewhere to go. My head might not stop talking."
He chuckled and nodded. "Talk to me."
I took a deep breath.
“Words are always jumbled in my head like, it's just going on and on, like a never ending song. Random worries just pop in like for example, I've always longed to be somewhere else, somewhere different, somewhere out of the real world, someplace fictional, where things are perfect and definite but each day I get a big reality check that this ain't like the movies. Anytime that I want to do something new my brain is always like this will be disaster. I ask myself what can go wrong and my brain tells me that there's so many factors. I know I shouldn't not do things just because I'm not perfect at them but what if I'll never be good enough. And then I know it's just about being happy doing it but...and then it changes. The question that never stops coming, who am I?"
He chuckled but didn't say anything.
“And then it switches. I think about how much time has passed because…I have to realise that. Just to be in the present and then it feels like minutes but really it's hours. It's so scary like time flying fast feels so scary. I don't want to but at the same time I think I'm ready to grow. And then the nostalgia hits. I think of the past. My childhood friends. I'll remember how we'd lay on the grass all day talking. Yeah…I remember everything. We were the dumb, the wild, the free…
It was really strange. Suddenly everything changed. Like I didn't know it'll go that fast. And I keep wishing, could I get a rewind? Why did we ever have to leave?
And I think about my friends, both past and present. Do they or did they really like me... care about me... really want to be friends with me? Or do they actually hate me so much and struggle to put up with me because they'll feel pity if they left me or is it that maybe they'll feel guilty.
“I really try to make myself pleasant so at least people I care about won't hate me. I try. I've always been a people pleaser. But then sometimes I wish I'd just be how I want to be without caring if anyone hated me or liked me. But then I think…if I do things to make others like me, would I even like myself? And then I decide to just be myself.
Sometimes its not that easy though. Especially when you really care about someone. You care, you can't just say, I don't care if they like me or not. And you never wish to lose those people in your life. So even if they don't care about you that much you'd just do anything so at least they'll stay. In their life, I could just take a footnote. Every line I could write for them but for me…a footnote would do.
And when I'm thinking about people I love I think of family. Sometimes, you hate them. You're like, they’re just the ones who gave me life, we might a share a face and share a last name we are not the same but no, when you have some features or exhibit some behaviours, you realise that you can run but you can't hide from your family line.
I think of home and the late nights outside. I'm sure some people love the night and think nature at night is just as beautiful as it is in the morning. I don't even know many people who think so too. Many people ask me why I don't prefer sunlight and the blue ocean and skies and the green colour of plants. I like it... but when the sun goes missing aren't the flowers just as pretty, aren't the oceans just as deep, the trees as green?"
I stopped talking suddenly.
"What happened?"
I shook my head. "The rest stays up here."
He laughed and brought his hands down and into his pocket.
"I understand everyone has thoughts like this all the time but–"
"Overthinking is intermediate level."
"Damn, I can do without that."
I laughed loudly and started to walk off. “I hope you're not asking me any questions about anything I said.”
“Oh, not at all,” he said with a chuckle and followed me. We were both silent for a while until he spoke up. “But I will be thinking about them.”
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My ramblings aside, I just wish someone could spot out allll the hidden Conan Gray lyrics arghhh
