Crazy Over You

📚 Chapter 18 📚

I didn't know what to do.

I cried in the bathroom.

I cleaned myself up in the batroom but when I look at myself in the mirror, I realize how horrible I look without my makeup. My dark circle are very noticeable. I haven't been getting any sleep at all for years. 

It's not that I have a hard time sleeping--okay maybe yes. It's because of that. Since the incident, sleep never came easy for me that I would have nightmares and sleep with my parents to feel safe. No amount of therapy helped. Mom and Dad tried everything they could and I knew it was worrying them so I learned to deal with it on my own.

Except I couldn't. 

Instead of feeling like a burden to my parents, I went to Chilly's room. Out of all my brothers, Chilly was the biggest and tallest. He wasn't the bravest like Denny but he was a cuddler. He hugs in his sleep that he even has a body pillow to hold. When I needed warmth and comfort, I went to him. When I was scared and terrified, I went to Denny. When I need to cry, no questions asked, and just be hugged until I fell asleep, I went to Eros.

They never once complained. When I opened their door and walked in, they would stop what they would doing whether is was Chilly studying, or Denny practicing his guitar or Eros reading, they would stop and get me in there bed and ask me a few questions or read to me or tickle me to make me smile. 

It was great and it did work but when I got older, it needed to stop.

But there was a time where James spent the night at my place. I couldn't sleep. The nightmares were back. I couldn't draw. I also couldn't read a book. I was afraid and with my room being dark and everything so quiet, I panicked.

I turned on my lights and started to trace the lines on my hand. I started to count. I did everything to distract myself. I wanted to put on some music but I was scared that I wouldn't be able to hear any danger coming in.

I knew I was safe but the fear was still there.

But then there was a knock on my door. It scared me until it opened and James slowly popped his head in. Once he saw me, he let himself in and asked me if I was okay. I lied. He walked to my bed and sat down. 

He told me he couldn't sleep and that Denny moves around too much which made me laugh.

We talked for about an hour until my body felt tired. I didn't even take notice how safe I felt when he was in the room. How my heart calmed down and my mind felt at peace. It was like everything was going to be okay.

James was going to leave to let me catch on some sleep but I grabbed his hands and asked him if he could stay. I didn't want to be alone. James nodded. He went to turn off the lights and then came to my bed. He lay down next to me. I was under the covers and so was he. I asked if I could hold his hand. He said yes.

I thank him, gently squeezing his hand and made him promise to not let go.

"I'll hold your hand for as long as you want me to, Corazón mío." James whispered. I smiled and called him an idiot while hoping that my warm hand would warm up his cold ones. He used to call me Corazón mío a lot when we were kids but mostly in private. I found out it meant idiot or just some type of insult.

He was teasing me about my fear but he stayed and held my hand throughout the night and now, whenever he spent the night, he would check on me until we got older and it stopped. 

The nightmares only came when there's a reminder of my past or a trigger. Late nights are either because I'm up studying or reading but sometimes, it's the fear of the quiet. I know I'm safe but I thought I was too back then until I wasn't.