The Summer Of 1993

But I Want To Ruin My Life

     It was Wednesday and after I "cleaned something", I found myself in the massive bed of Johnny.   I cleaned the kitchen and then Johnny said he wanted the rest of the time with me.   So, I was cuddled in his big bed.   He was clean shaven and his long hair was glorious.  He was going to see family in Kentucky over the 4th.  "It's a big to do, but if you get bored, you can come stay here.  I know that rooming house is hot," he told me. It was and I welcomed it. Jamie was going out of town. I would be the lady of the house.

    "When do you leave?"
"Friday."
"Yesterday, why did you look so sad?"
"I could love you.  I really could, but you have that degree to finish."  He kissed my shoulder.
"I can come back on breaks."
"I would love that. Give me your address and phone number and I will be sure to call you."
"I would love that."
"I would, too." 

   I loved being with Johnny.  He was no Mafuz in the bedroom. He paid attention to me and I had orgasms during sex. I never did before. I always had 4-5 a session. I was very lucky.

    I left feeling a bit better, but something in my mind said, "That is going to get lost" and unbeknownst to me and a party he would hold when I was gone, he had another woman.   Little did I know that he thought, "This is a fling for her and something to tell her sorority sisters.   If she was local, yes.  He told his agent about her and she said, "Sounds sweet, but she belongs in the Midwest and you are Hollywood.  Have fun with her but don't  commit.  Also, USE protection."  It hurt because she was a bit different but so sweet. This was going to hurt, it something was already starting to grow inside of me.

"And when you get home, we can go school shopping. Express has some cute things," my mom said.
"I wish there was a school I could transfer here."
"We have been over this. It is too expensive for your dad and I."
"I love it here."
"It is just because of Johnny Depp. You aren't screwing him." It went silent. "You are."
"Um."
"Well I hope you don't have a disease or pregnant. You know you can have an abortion."
"I had a period in June."
"Well you had better have one in July."
"Lots of women get abortions and they can move on with their life. Do you really want that cigarette smoking weirdo's baby?
"I do."
"Well, you could always work for the county, but you have wanted to be a lawyer since you were ten. You would be a great one."
"Mom, I have been thinking about this."
"Well, get your head out of the clouds and focus. You ARE on the pre law track."
"Mom, I think we have something."
"I don't. Come home. Get your degree."

    I didn't want to come home.  I didn't want to have to deal with the sorority, who would be my best allies, and the boyfriend market there.   Something was beginning inside of me.  It was close to July 1.  I was going to take Johnny up on staying at the house.   Nonie's stuff was gone.  It was just me.  July 4th was on a Sunday, we're off on Monday.  I just was going to tell the van driver, I did not need a ride home and would be okay.  Ralph worried about us.   I had friendships with these sixty something ladies who cleaned for the stars.   Olivia, a forty something said, she had relations with Jim Morrison ands a few others.  "I hope you come back next summer," one of them told me.  I told her I would be applying for law school.  She looked at me funny.  

   I did not want to go to law school.....