The Summer Of 1993

My Firsr Bar Experience

    Jeff had his graduation party.   A lot of the guests loved Maddie.  "What big brown eyes and she is so beautiful.  Like You!"  I remained nice and didn't want to call them on their bullshit.  She REALLY looked like Johnny.   Jamie came to the party to help me serve and help me with Maddie.  My parents were going to watch her as "a gift".  I cut cake, smiled, and was pleasant to all of our guests.  They had to do something nice for me.   The baseball team was out of town so no selling soda and pretzels for me.  The law firm, I sort of hated.  I was the ugly girl.  I was the fat fuck

who filed files but I thought about how things would have been if Johnny knew I was  pregnant and I was out in Cali with new clothes, love, and a dad who doted on her.  I was doing most of this on my own.  I imagined it, living in his house and getting to sleep when I want, having sex and he is good at it, good food, and just being loved and spoiled because I had his baby....

   
    "So, where do you eat lunch?"  Jamie asked.
"Blue Hills," I said.
"That is a hippie joint."
"Yeah, but the pretty girls in the office hang out.  I am not one of them.  I am the fat one, the ugly one they hired."
"Come on Susan, you had the attention of Johnny Depp.  You need to get off of this 'ugly' thing.  You are not ugly."
"Well, Seth left me."
"I think because of his status, he just doesn't want to see you hurt.  I think,  but don't quote me on it, he could come back and on a few years rekindle that love!   I think he is more career minded and if you or Maddie get sick, he 'd worry."
"Really?"
"Seattle is far away.  You have to remember that."

   The bar was a typical summer night.  Everyone was in their short shorts and summer clothes and looked hot.  Me, I looked like a mom blob.  I was one of those moms who got fat,   I saw people from high school.  Sung Lin was there.  She was always so sweet.  I saw a few people from college in my classes and they said, "Hey, lookin' good".  I had a belly.   Joe Doherty wasn't a dog, but he wasn't gross said, "I love your titties."  He kissed me a few times.  However, when he saw my boobs, because I went to his car to make out with him he called them "old, saggy, and disappointing" and I was "easy".  I tried not to cry when I got back with Jamie and a few others.  I was sort of hurt.  Joe whispered something to Alan who he was with.  I tried to talk to the cute guys but they saw my big saggy boobs and belly they walked away.  I just wanted to go to dinner with a nice guy.  I just wanted someone to talk to,  I cried to myself when I got home.  I had to be happy around Jamie.  I brought her down when I was honest about myself. 

    Jamie had the guys around her.  She looked hot all of the time.  She was thin and looked like Lisa Bonet. I just looked like an overweight girl trying to get pretty. When I got home, I put my head in my pillow and sobbed until I ell asleep.