The Summer Of 1993

That Summer

    I loved it.   Afternoons at the pool with Bobby and evenings watching the sun set.   Steve told about his job and himself but I just learned to put "mm hmm" in the right place to make it look like I was listening. I was happy that she quit mentioning Johnny and I tried to concentrate on our marriage, we had friends and neighbors and I had to be all in about Steve. Everyone else was.... Or, so I thought. I acted like we did it all the time and were a husband and wife and not roommates.   Since Jackie left, we have separate bedrooms and lives. I have pink Johnny, my silos and we get along well. Pink Johnny gives me orgasms I never had with Steve, Steve was a two minute bandit who rutted on mine like dog.

I was glad I did nit have to deal with Steve's fam very much.   The women always bounced back after babies, never gained a pound during menopause, and could cook and clean like no other. I was a failure of a woman with my chin pubes, messy house and pre cooked meats. I was a failure of a woman because I squeezed out babies and stayed fat.  I was told to "just have more babies".   At one time, my husband said he loved my gut because he would see how hard he thrusted.   Disgusting.  I felt like an ATM and a pussy, except when Jamie left I was just an ATM.  However, Judy and Oliver were separating and getting divorced.  I secretly envied them and wished I were the one who was getting a divorce.   I was not happy and my mind was on Johnny and my daughter was going to meet him.   I wanted to be there too, but it was not proper.

    My birthday fell on a Monday.  On Saturday I had all,of my hair cut off, to start anew.  On Monday I went to work.   At noon, Maddie showed up.  We were all going to a far, to table place after work.   Maddie loved it.  She kept Johnny quiet except for gave me another kiss.  "From Johnny," she said.   Then as I sat I thought of that birthday almost thirty years ago, the one where I went to dinner with Marsha because Johnny dumped me in a big way.   He broke my heart.  Why was I thinking of him?   I should have moved I and just been okay with it and never wished for him to come back, but I haven't.   I wished for him to show up and take me.   As usual, it was another year without a present from Steve.   We were in a friendship, not a marriage.  I wanted to cry.

    How we, by summer's end, Eleanor, the grandmother I adored had a stroke.   It was a warm Friday night.   I had to tell Steve, who did not take it well and called me a "selfish cunt" because I told him we were not wanted at the hospital yet.  However, he tha ought it was me and screamed at me for three hours.  I wished Johnny would have came and kidnapped me.  Part of wanted to say, "Hey, when you go to CIncinnatti, take me.  I want to run away with Johnny. The next day, I did take Steve to the hospital where I was "not to talk about work  or anything like it."  Yes, I wa sto talk a ith is thin I was, how clean my house was, and how not pretty I was.  It was an afternoon with my big belly, fat body and slobby body at the house on Hampstead Lane where everything had its place.   I felt out of place so I ate a lot of friend chicken.  I would never meet Johnny.  

       Maddie walked me to the car.   Steve was going to stay with his mom.  

       "Thanks for walking this ugly, fatass to the car."
"Mom, you are gorgeous.  Stop!  They are the superficial ones.   Mom, I need you.  I am feeling super guilty for even pursuing this with grandma being g so bad off."
"Honey, you are curious.  I sort of want to meet him."  There.  I admitted it. 
"Awww, mom."

     We looked at the late day sky.  I admitted it then and there in front of a gray house on Hampstead Lane.  I wanted to meet Johnny Depp.