The Summer Of 1993

I Think We Need To Get Away...

    I came home  after class.  It was an okay day.   I didn't cry.  Fall break was upon us.  Mom and I played with Maddie, who was now six months old.   She looked like her dad with dark hair, but she cried a lot, just like me.   I was feeling kind of down.  The Sunday before I went before the board.    "You aren't in trouble, but we want to know, how are things?"  I lied and said "fine".  Staci said, "Are you sure?  Then why are you so upset about Julia?"  I told them, it just hurts because I wanted a future with him because I was not good enough.   Barbara looked at me and said, "You can lead a heart to love but you make it fall."  She had a point.  They also said I was beautiful and deserving of love.   I don't feel it because of all of the potentials suitors are just, ew.

    The phone rang.   Mom got it.  "Oh Hi!  How are you?   Well, I miss you, too.  Here.  Here she is." 

     "Hello?" 
"Hey, sis."
"Jamie!"
"I am home this weekend.   Are you working?"
"I took the time off.  I need it.  Working and going to school is hard while being a mom."
"Good, you, the girl, and I are going outlet shopping.  How are you?"
"You heard?"
"Staci called me.  We will talk later."

     She told me medical school was grueling and she was rethinking it.  I told her, "Don't.  You will be a great doctor."  She told me she would see me at noon on Thursday and Michigan City here we come!   

     "I am going to Michigan City for a few days."
"You need it,  maybe your smile will come back." 
"I am taking the baby."
"I figured that.   I think Jamie is an aunt of sorts for her."  
"Yes.  A good role model."

   It was a short week,  it was full of notes in my mailbox for me.  I felt it was insincere.  "You are beautiful.... You are loved...". Julia kept quiet about Seth when I was in the room, but Lori said, "Did you ever fuck Seth in the suite? Guess who did? Wow! Total nymphos!" Lori was sort of mean about how the sisters "loved" me but she had dated Trent since he was a pledge. "So cute, he looked like that new stars Leonardo DiCaprio!" They were an it couple and apparently I was destined to date Moose. "I mean he is limit so nice and he'd accept Maddie and your body. You aren't a barbie he isn't a total hottie, DATE him and have a love that you would have never known," she would tell me, but I wanted someone I thought was beautiful to look at and to love.

These thoughts were swirling in my head as I packed Maddie's and my things. Mom told me "how much" I needed this. "You have been working hard. Plus, going to school. That isn't an easy thing to do. Your dad and I are proud of you," she told me. "Barbara told me you are struggling emotionally and I wish you could find a man that YOU loved and were attracted to. One day you will. I know you have been struggling. Remember Barbara and I were pledge sisters." I asked how she could stand being single. She said, "I don't know. I think maybe she is grateful for what she has. Sometimes I wish I would have led other lives." In my mind, Johnny fought for me and I was enjoying being his wife. In my mind, Seth took me to his summer hockey league.

Soon, Jamie was here and we chit chatted with mom, and soon we were on the road. It was a beautiful fall day with clear skies and the vibrant leaves dazzling in the mid day sun. I felt so alive and so dead at the same time.

"So, how is medical school?"
"I literally don't have a life. How are you, sweetie?"
"Well since sisters have told you, not well."
"Why?"
"I am so ugly and undesirable. The only men who want me are Moose."
"You know that isn't true."
"It sure feels like it. Seth likes this tail wagging pledge and Lori comes up to me and tells me how they fuck in the suite. Like she wants me to get upset."
"Well you have."
"And I miss Johnny. I wish he would have fought for me. I wish he would have called my parents and negotiated with them. Now he has a perfect girl to love and probably never thinks of me,"
"You don't know that."
"If I had to look at a supermodel every day and I was a guy, I would forget me."
"Have you talked to someone about this?"
"No. It is a waste of time to say 'I feel ugly and will never find love. Oh and then do workbooks to deceive me into thinking I look beautiful'."
"It is;n't like that. TRUST ME. I went to therapy to cope when my grandma died."

   She changed the subject. 

   "Maddie is so big!  I mean WOW!"
"Yeah.  She will be a year in three months."
"And you have done so well with her."

     We got to the hotel.   We settled in our room and Maddie napped.  We got ready and went shopping, which was really a fun afternoon.   Buying outfits made me forget how I felt.   I had a good time and I forgot about the world.   It was what I needed.  We didn't talk about boys or the sorority, just medical school, Maddie, the law firm, and things like that.   She told me, "You know, you will be working in a law firm as a lawyer, I just know it."  

    Deep down, I knew she was wrong.  

     We hugged goodbye and she went to see her family in Chicago the next day.   It was nice to be with her.  She kept me grounded.  She kept me sane.,,