The Summer Of 1993

A Different Life

Kara understood and the third in line stepped in and I asked Kara to be part time and assistant to her from 12-4 daily.   She said  "Well, I hate to lose you, but I understand. Please don't leave.  I will have you assist Jordan.  I will make. I will a job and budget  for that," she told me when Sam took us to visit our jobs.  Sam was such a sweet guy, even driving Steve to work.  I paid him.  I was broke though.   I took a few days off, and came in from 6-12 on Election Day.   It was long.  I saw sore and wearing a diaper.   We weren't busy as it was a city election but I was tired when I left.   I didn't even go to the afterparty.  I went home and went to bed.   Home, a place I really did not want to be.  It was hard to be home.    Steve made it known that this was not his child.   "Your bastard kid is crying," he would say, but in the other hand he fed and talked to him and was "glad there was another male in the house", but the daily topic of conversation was, "Why?  Why, Susan.  What does he have that I don't."  I did not answer.  

   When I was with Johnny, he talked TO me and not at me.  He made me feel important.   Sure, the first month was like that and I saw what a ragehead he was.  However, I was pregnant with a kid, and I was trapped.  I was being forced to have an abortion.   I wished I would have had that baby.  Maybe I would have forgotten Johnny and all these problems wouldn't have happened.  I was digging into our savings.  There were not going to be any more Fun trips to the mall.   There were not going to be any cute dresses, wigs, and I found myself at the local trustees office trying to get help.  This was the lowest I had been.   I had never been here before, but here I was, fifty two, a newborn, and depressed.   The office was bleak.  "Insurance-   We can help!"  "Food Stamps are a way to help your family".   I was crying as I filled out the forms.   Joey was asleep.   I looked pathetic when I saw me in the mirror, expensive wig, shitty clothes, belly lopping over my pussy,  and I was pale. 

    Another woman was in the room.  She looked at me.   I filled it out as best I could, a lady called me back.  Her office had all of her accolades and positive quotes over every other space that was not filled with awards was full of positive quotes.  She looked at me. 

   "Why are you here?"  She asked.
"I-I ip just had a baby and I need help."
"You?  You just had a baby?"
"Yes."
"Fifty two?"
"I didn't know I was pregnant."
"Sweetheart, how could you not know?" 
"I thought it was menopause."
"Well, you make too much money."
"I don't now."   I sobbed.  
"Well you make too much for this office.  Sorry."
"My-my lights are going to be cut out next week and I have no money.  I need help.  I HAD that income and now I do not.  I am trying."
"You should make a budget."
"I am trying," I said sobbing.   I was so upset.  The baby began to cry.  He wailed.  
"Best I can do is go to Our Lady of Good Hope."  

   I grabbed the form out of her hands.  "Why did I ever come here?  Fuck this!"  I took Joey and stormed out.   She screamed "Scammer!" As I got into my 2018 Honda Accord. "See you have a nice car! Scammer!!" Johnny called.  It was sort of like divine timing.  

    "Hello?"  I said.
"What's Wrong?"
"I-I went for assistance and the lady was so mean to me, said I made too Much money and I tried to explain and she wasn't listening.  She just wanted me out of the office , but that other new mom she made over the baby.  I am sure the other ladies talked about me when I left." 
"Oh, I wish there was something I could do.  I was thinking about you and the baby."  
"It's okay.  I will dig in my savings a bit more."

   Then I had to go to work, as I worked 12-4.   I tried to hide my tears.   I then went to work at the wig shop, eating fast food.   The books balanced, she got a new haul, and I so wanted all of them, well except the short, old lady ones.   However, Phyllis thought I was adorable in them.   I felt I looked fat and unattractive.   The only thing that had me smiling was Joey, who was asleep at Maddie's.  She sent pictures.  It was an emotional day.  I was tired but no time for rest.