The Summer Of 1993

Now, Girls Will Look Up To You

    It was freshman orientation and afterwards Jamie and I were going to lunch and my first OB appointment.  I wasn't going to Dr. Nancarrow.   He knew my parents.  Dr. Payton would do just as well.   My mother was up and I was eating a sandwich for breakfast. 

    "You look pretty today.  A sandwich?"
"I hare cereal, mom."
"Allergic.  How did you do this weekend.  I talked to Ellen's mom and Ellen said you vomited at the retreat."
"Something didn't sit well."
"Honey, did you sleep with any boys out in California?"  I looked at her. 
"I might have."
"Might you be?"
"I don't know."  I began to cry.
"Oh, shit."
"I am not getting an abortion."
"Well kiss that law degree goodbye, unless you warn to be saddling a kid as you study.  You look a little too far along to be getting one anyway.  I guess we will discuss it when you get home.   You can't hide a pregnancy."

    I was shaking and crying when I got to school.  Mom's parting words were, "Wear something loose.  Girls will be looking up to and you have been having intercourse.  Is that very Gamma Beta?"

     "You okay?"  Jamie asked when we met in the lot.
"My mom knows."
"Did she ask you to get an abortion?" 
"No."  
"I think it will be okay."  She was wrong.

   So, for the next five hours in the hot sun,  Coke in hand, I met and greeted girls.  Then we went to lunch,  we were downtown at a sandwich shop.  It would become my favorite in years to come.   Then we headed to the O'Shea Building and into a very nice office.  I excepted the Women's Care Center to be dirty like what was portrayed in seventies shows.   I filled out my forms, turned in my income and that I was a college student.  Jamie looked everything over.  I waited.   Soon, a nice nurse came and got me.   Jamie wished me good luck.  

    She weighed me.  138.  I was 130 when I went to California.   She told me to take off my dress, put on a gown, pee in a cup and Dr. Payton would come to see me.  Sandra was the most jovial woman I had met in the world. She had bright gold eyeshadow with the darkest skin.  I did what she said and waited for fifteen minutes. 

    "Good Morning, Susan," she said.  "I examined your urine and you are definitely  pregnant.  Looks like almost eleven weeks.  Doing well?"
"Except for throwing up."
"It's normal but it will stop. Can you lie back for me."

She examined my breasts. She didn't say anything about breastfeeding. She just examined my nipples and breasts. She moved to my belly. "About 10 weeks, measuring right along,". She smiled. Now I have to examine your cervix. You might feel some pressure. I nodded. "Very firm," she smiled. She asked me to put my feet in the stirrups and she examined me. "Looks good. No problems. I will see you next month. We will talk about proper nutrition," she told me. I got dressed and Jamie and I went to the mall. There were no latest fashions for me any more like ever.

"You don't want to go home, do you?" Jamie asked.
"No. It will be a lecture on how I fucked up AGAIN!!!"
"I think your dad would like a boy, but you are too feminine to have a boy. I think you are going to have Avril and she'll be GORGEOUS!!!!"
"Wish me luck."

I drove home. My dad's car was in the driveway. I walked in the house. They were in the living room. This was bad.

"Well, have a seat," my mom said.
"We have been waiting."
"So, you're pregnant?"
"It's been confirmed. I am seeing Dr. Denita Payton. I am going to pay for it. I want to keep this child."
"But what about law school."
"Maybe I will go later."
"You won't. You had so much promise. Is the father Mafuz?" I did not answer. "Susan, is he?"
"No." I looked across the street. The Noble's were not home.
"Who is he?" My dad asked, pulling my face to him.
"A guy. I met him at a later. He said he was a producer."
"They lied to you. How are YOU going to pay for this."
"I will work. I can move out."
"Well, we don't earn you worrying about money, but we do think you need to pay for having the baby. You can stay here, it we are so very disappointed in you."
"What else is new?" I said crying. "Sarah is the good one. I am the bad one."
"She does make better choices."
"What about law school?"
"I will still go."
"It will be harder,"
"It's just. That you have worked so hard."
"I am sorry."

They let me go. I went to my room and cried. I saw a bit on MTV about The Viper Room and Johnny walking down the street. He was smoking a cigarette and looking so handsome.   Memories came flooding back. The late nights, the landing on each other in a sweaty heap after a night of hot sex. Me resting on his chest after I came four times in a row. I cried a little. I was sure he had moved on. Everyone in Hollywood was pretty.   I mean I was just there for two months. I did call Marsha. She said she "missed me so" and was excited for me. I missed her a lot. I missed Barbara, too. I would internet search her for years. I wanted to talk to her. Besides Jamie, I really had no one to talk to.