The Summer Of 1993

One Day It Just Hit Me

1995 began with me being down, but I decided to take aerobics and her in shape. I had to for the formal. I missed Jamie. Liberty, Krista, and I were going "as a posse" and I was going to look so good that I would make Seth cry and I wasn't going to dance with him. I got a red sequined dress, had Julie do my hair BIG. I HAD Krista do my make up and I was going to be a hot bitch. I was serious about getting Maddie a successful AND handsome daddy. No Moose was getting near my vagina. I had become cold. I was screwing James in the office and it was nice. Upstairs was unfinished and there we had lost of sex. Man, he was fine. However, deep down I knew we would get caught.

The day before the formal, I got a facial. I was going to the dance to get me a man. I was set on it. I took the afternoon off from the firm and Maddie and I were watching TV. Her birthday was coming up. I invited Jamie over for the celebration. It would be just her and my family. I wished Johnny knew and he could love on her and buy lots of presents. However it was just going to be my parents. Linda, Clovis, and I were going to have a little one with the kids who basically lived there. Linda was going to make the cake, and she was sewing her a doll. Maddie was loved. My skin was like a baby's butt. I was bored and it was weird, so I turned on the TV. "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" was on and it made me a sobbing mess. It made me miss Johnny and it made me wish we could run away and live in a small town forever. I'm wished I could have stayed.  I wish I could have told him I loved him.   I wish I could have had my baby with him.   That night I went out with a few girls from the firm. We went to a country bar. It was lackluster.

The formal was boring. I danced with Aaron McKeever as a friend. He was very sweet, but I was tired. My period broke through and I had to go home. Plus, I was tired of seeing happy couples and Staci wishing I could find love. I heard her say, "Awww.... I wish Susan could find love."   I wanted to fall in love. I got home. Maddie was asleep and so were my parents. I just went in my room and buried my head in the pillow and cried.

The next morning, I woke up and played with little Maddie. She could say "Mama". I called Jamie.

"Will you be at the party?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world.  How was the formal?"
"I got my period.  Even though I am in the shot."
"Oh, baby."
"Being home with my baby is the goal I want to have.  I need to work on a good relationship and finding a dad for Maddie."
"Don't be so desperate."
"I am so, so alone."
"You have me and sisters who love you."
"Yeah, but still...".

    After seeing Gilbert Gape, I was just so depressed.   I wanted someone to raise Maddie, who was a man, who was loving, who was kind, who was caring and not someone who pity fucks me and gives me a $20 from time to time to "do something with the kid" and says, "if I met YOU in college, I would be having babies with you" and Johnny and Kate were everywhere.  I wished I were partying with him.  I wish I was his girl.   I knew deep down I would never see him again.