The Summer Of 1993

A Special Birthday

We took Friday off and decorated the community room. We went to lunch and the Mexican place, just us girls. It felt like the Colorado Blvd days and the salad days of our house. We talked of fun things, liking fashion, Taylor Swift, Jackie's new car, and things that weren't Johnny or anything. "I am going to get dad and we will pick up his trailer. He is so excited for him,". Maddie said. I wanted to cry because Steve loved Bobby and there I was cavorting with Johnny Depp. I went home and took a nap. I was tired.

At six, and I was still asleep, Steve came home.

"Hey, sleepyhead, you were really snoring," he said.
"Okay, my farts stink and I snore,". I said.
"Don't get defensive."
"Well you always pick out my BEST qualities."
"I wish you weren't so defensive.  I spent two hundred on the train for Bobby.  Sorry."
"That's okay."

    It wasn't now I had to move a few other bills.  I was sick and tired of saying "That's okay" to his "Sorry".  I missed Johnny but I would never contact him.   He made me feel like it, but  he had his life in England and I had my life here.  He mentioned a few times that  "This a great place to visit, but I don't want anything right now."   He said he was seeing someone and I was committed.  I used was.  I was more of a caregiver. 

    I could not sake this tiredness.   I would ask my mom about my tiredness but she would send me to th doctor and have everything looked at.  I hated her doctors Doctor Rottenborn.   He used to see us and he was a holistic, self righteous dick.   I was him in 2006 and all he could talk about was my fat. 

    Oh his birthday, I woke up exhausted.  If this is what menopause is, I really don't like it.   I would corner Jackie at the party. 

    Bobby's birthday was unseasonably warm.  It was like a prose thar spring would soon be there.  We drove to the fire hall.   It was an engineer's dream,  Bobby was dressed in engineer overalls and a hat.  He looked so cute.  He was a soft little boy, a gentle little boy.  I kissed him on the cheek and he squirmed.   I could have never had a boy.  He head butted me.  Sam said, "He is doing that".  It was a day full of love and he got so many gifts that we had to put them in our car.   I cornered Jamie. 

    "Jamie, I am so tired,". I said.   "I wake up tired.  Is this menopause?"
"Could be, but you DO burn the candle at both ends."
"That is what I thought."
"So, when you were with Johnny, did you do it?"
"Let's say hours on end."
"Did you Have a period?"
"In January.  I am sure I will be fine."
"You could be.  I delivered a baby for a woman who was 54.  Didn't know she was pregnant."
"Well, I would know if I was pregnant.   I am not stupid."
"No one says you are.  You are defensive and have a chip on your shoulder."
"Thanks."
"I blame your asshole husband and your parents."
"Look at them, all involved."
"You are a good mom, Susan."  I began to cry.

    I washed the icing out of Bobby's hair in the kitchen.  He seemed to li his face shoved in the cake.  He laughed.  He was so happy.   Again, Maddie did not feel well.   As a mom, I was worried.   We helped her move her the back to her house ans we took them to dinner.   Steve wanted to go to Applebee's, so I have sto move a few more bills.  Why didn't Johnny fight for me?  I went home, fell asleep, and woke up for church like I had not slept.  

    Damn this menopause.