The Summer Of 1993

How It's Gonna Be

Twenty seven girls were initiated that cold, January day. School began and they got to see how sisterhood really was and they got to experience the stigma of the formal. If you had a date that was so cool and if houndid not you had to find one. I was glad I was pregnant because I would have been in that catergory. My date was Jamie.

The Valentine's Formal fell on a tryout weekend. Seth was going to be in Oregon for tryouts. It was a flurry of "who are you gonna take" to all the single girls. Heidi Hellington came up to me and asked why Seth's name was not on the list. Looks and weight were a big thing. Heidi walked in with her highlighted blonde hair, form fitting turtleneck with her perfect boobs, nice jeans and flats. Her hair was curled and it was thar platinum for winter. She looked at the list.

"Susan? May I ask why Seth's name isn't on the list?"
"He has a tryout in Oregon."
"Ah. Now, Susan, do you think that you will be an item when he plays?"
"I hope so."
"Look, you are pretty but hockey wives are very, very pretty. You are not like that kind of pretty."
"I know. I am fat. I will have baby weight to lose." I was fighting away tears. I did cry when she left.

Jamie walked in. She had her scrubs on. "What's wrong?"
"Heidi said I was not good enough for love."
"Oh screw her."
"I know I won't lose my baby weight. Seth will leave."
"If he does, he does. You will find a great guy!"

That was a topic of discussion at home.  I mistakenly thought I could talk to my mother.

"You know, being a single mom makes you look loose, that you like sex, and makes you look tarnished. Did you ever think of this?"
"No."
"And have you gotten ahold of Mr. Depp?" My dad asked
"He is pretty busy at the moment."
"Well, not enough for a child. You really have a mess on your hands."

I wished he would throw me out, but I was barely making it. However, my parents delighted in making me feel bad about myself. My mom was using this as her pity card. "Big man gets our girl pregnant and leaves her." She never gave a name but Maddie's face would tell all. I was a month out and huge. The new girls were all excited. This was their first real formal. I remembered initiation. I was so tired. I slept all afternoon when it was over. The new girls were falling in line.  The pretty ones falling in love and the ones like me questioning their beauty and worth. I was doing that a lot, as Seth had become kind of distant. Johnny had a girlfriend. Seth was distant and the only one who was for me was Jamie. Jamie told me that I had "dropped". "I think we will meet Maddie at the end of February." Maddie was the token of my time in California.

I did talk with Marsha and she said, "This July, I will fly you out. I want to see this baby. I will send you some film, develop it and send me the pictures. Madeline will be lovely." I wanted to ask her if I could move in with her and go to school in CA, bur I just could not, I tried to look up Barbara, but nothing. The rooming house had anonymity about it. The summer of 1993 different for me. I missed it already. I had sex with a movie star AND I was with a woman. It was just a wild and crazy summer.

The formal was on an unseasonably warm night. The fog rolled in, as January was the year of the frozen tundra. The food was the typical. It was baked chicken, broccoli, and cake for dessert. I drank water. My back hurt. My boobs hurt. I watched the girls dance the night away. I was shocked when Steven Thoreau asked me to slow dance with him. He was a huge man whore, but he looked like he could have stepped out of the 1930's. He was handsome. He took my hand and took me out to the floor. "I have wanted to dance with you since we were pledges," he told me. I smiled. He took us out to E Street I did call and tell Seth from a pay phone and he said, "We never were really exclusive." I felt like trash. Kelli was making out with Garrett. We went back to his place, a turn of the century home he was restoring and I had someone I could talk to. He asked me about the baby, if I was nervous, and who the dad was. He was a friend for life and said he would not tell.

"Who is the lovely, lucky man?" He asked.
"You know I went to California, right?"
"Yeah."
"I sort of slept with someone."
"I can tell."
"You can't tell."
"Hey, I porked a few of your sisters that would make you cringe, but I won't tell."
"If I have you, you tell me one and I will never tell."
"Okay Maria Gillmore."
"Maria? She is now married to the biggest Ep!"
"Quiet. Now you tell me."
"Um, he was on 21 Jump Street."
"Easy. Johnny Depp."
"You cannot tell a soul."
"I won't. You are the sweetest girls I know."

Jamie and I left at four. The next weekend would be my last normal weekend. Ever. I would go out out town, much to the chagrin of everyone. Jamie was with me and she studied up on having babies. We went to the most perfect girl in the sorority could cheat on her boyfriend. I was along for the ride.