The Summer Of 1993

Making Myself Desirable

"Sex sells," Liberty always said. I got up and looked at myself. Fat and tired. I got up and walked out to the kitchen. Mom was there.

"I thought you'd be at the retreat. Did you miss the baby?"
"Yes and Lori Friess kind of ruined it because it was not fun."
"Reminds me of Dianne Richards. She did that. I was never like that. Even though boring, I went to every event and you should have stayed."
"No one else did and I wanted to be home with the baby."

She said, "Well, I am going to the mall. You are in need of some clothes and maybe a few more things. How abith we go. I know don't feel good about yourself."
"Yeah, I was told I needed to lose weight."
"Well, I saw who Johnny was with. Pretty girl. I cannot believe, though, you let him in your vagina. I got a beautiful granddaughter though," she quipped. "How many girls has he been with?" I did not answer. "Susan ANSWER me."
"I don't know." He was seeing Ellen as well.
"Well, get ready and we will leave soon."

I sat there thinking of that day when he ate me out on the couch and how much he desired me. It was a memory I would hold in my head until I died.

The mall was busy. It was the first week before school and all the moms and dads were shopping for their kids.  Mom bought clothes for me.  I was in Misses sizes.  "Forget the juniors.  You are way too fat for that," she told me.  She got me what she thought was "tasteful l for the office.  I was already the office ugly so what did I have to lose?   She also got a lot of cute things for the baby, which was good because between the two jobs I was broke.   School for college began on Monday.  I made  a vow to myself that I would work hard to get Seth back. 

  The first day of school was a sweltering one.  I had to work, so it was evening classes for me.  "File, ugly, file,". I told myself.  I was always never privy to the innuendos of the office and I knew what they did in that study.  I had to have someone like me.  After the meeting, I went to Pizza Tyme.  It was the usual, guys singing raunchy songs.  Moose mentioned something  that upset me.  "Do you smother your child with your tit?  God, they are huge!!!!"  Lori mentioned a more conservative formal.  Julie, her bestie said, "It is better for our image.  You know, those breasts are a deterrent for men.  Men don't like overly large breasts."  I felt like less than a woman.  I walked to my car.   Greg, who looked like a young Pierce Brosnan, saw me.  He was always good to me.  I was crying already.  

    "What's wrong?"
"I am so sick of myself.  I am so fat and ugly."
"I don't think so."
"You are just being nice.  Look at me.  I am a fat, mom blob."
"Do you want to know something?"
"Yeah, I am a nice girl who find some ugly guy to love me because I am so disgusting."
"No.  If I weren't engaged to Laura, I would ask you out.  I have seen your kid.  She is a doll.   You are cute.  You had a kid.  My mom had five.  Give yourself a break."  He kissed me on the cheek.  It made me cry more. 

    I was falling apart.