Sunshine, Starlight | Aryan Simhadri

Part 119

TRIGGER WARNING: young death, talking about death and coping mechanisms & grieving. Proceed with caution...

"Belle ? Belle I'm so sorry" it hit me like a punch in the face or the stomach or both "Darcy- she- she-" the talking was interrupted by a gut wrenching sob

I had been to scared to think about this too often, I allowed myself to think about it a handful of times and in none of those did I expect this reaction from myself, I expected crying, sobbing, screaming and all that but I did none of those

"Hello Belle, this is nurse Sarah, I am so sorry to inform you that Darcy unfortunately didn't make it through this night, she passed in her sleep at 1:34, I am really sorry for your loss"

"Thank you" I didn't know if that was the right thing to say. What was the right thing to say ? What could you possibly say when this happens. I don't think there are right words to answer to that, it wasn't her fault, why was she sorry ?

I hung up and placed the phone down on my bed beside me, I looked at the wall in front of me, not a single thought going through my head. I never had a person this close to me pass away while I was so aware of it

Why wasn't I crying ? Why wasn't I feeling that heart wrenching feeling everyone always talked about, that immense pain people explain when talking about grief. I wasn't grieving right, was there a right way to grieve ?

I got up and left my room, the house was dark and quiet, everyone was either asleep or in the peace of their bed by now, I thought about where to go, what to do, what to say or how to react but it was like every thought I had ever thought left my brain, I forgot how thinking worked if that was possible

I looked around, I could hear hushed voices from mom and dad's room, they were still awake. I saw a faint light from Leenas room, probably her scrolling through TikTok or something like that and I heard quiet music playing from Walkers room and an occasional curse flying making me guess he was gaming, tanners room was the only one that was both dark and silent

I went downstairs and grabbed a glass of water, freezing cold coffee in my hand while watching water, I drank it while looking through the kitchen, it felt like my body was working without my brain, like my mind was stuck in the moment I saw Darcy's name pop up on my phone

I set the glass down and went back up the stairs into my room, there were multiple options I could go instead to not be alone but I didn't see the reason why, I didn't even do anything, I hadn't shed a single tear

I got into my bed and stared at my ceiling, I didn't cry that night, instead I lied awake with a blank mind looking at my ceiling for hours

I grabbed my notebook and a pen at one point to try to write something, to force me to listen to myself but I genuinely had no thought in my mind, I couldn't listen to myself if I didn't say anything

The house was silent, I heard not a single thing but my breathing, it was 6 am by now, I remembered Leena telling me she had to get up early because her shift at work started at 7:30, which meant she would be waking up soon

I pulled one of aryans hoodies over my head, slipped into my slippers and went downstairs

I made myself a hot cocoa and started taking things like flour and sugar out to make some blueberry muffins, it would go great for breakfast

I put on music and spent like 45 minutes walking around the kitchen, taking things from here and there and then waiting for the muffins to come out of the oven

I put a pot of coffee on for Leena and cut a few fruits, a fruit salad never hurt anyone

"Belle ? What are you doing up it's like the middle of the night" Leena frowned at me setting her bag down on the chair

"Just felt like being productive today" I flashed her a quick smile and turned to take the muffins out of the oven

"Why ?"

"Can't I be ?"

"No sure you can- did you make me coffee ?!"

"Yeah"

"You're an angel thanks bee" she took her cup out  and poured a lot of coffee in, I could never understand why because coffee tasted shit, but whatever "are you alright ? Rough day yesterday ?"

"I'm fine" I sat down at the table in front of her

"You sure ?" I looked at her, she took a bite from the fresh muffins and hummed satisfied "these are great"

"I don't know"

"They are."

"No, the other thing"

"Why ? What's up ?"

"Darcy"

"She's not good"

"Shes not..." I tried to find the right words, she looked at the muffin and took another bite "alive" her eyes moved to mine and her face dropped

"What ?"

"She passed today, tonight"

"Belle I'm so sorry, I can't even- are you okay ?"

"I am surprisingly not reacting at all, I don't know what's wrong with me" I muttered, getting quieter towards the end, Leena put her muffin down and came over to me wrapping her arms around me from behind me

"There's nothing wrong with you Belle"

"How am I even bad at grieving ?" I laughed a little feeling just the tiniest bit of sadness rise up within me

"You're not bad at grieving, that is literally impossible. Everyone grieves in their own way Belle, there is no right way to grieve, some people just cry for days endless and others don't, grief is a horrible thing and it can come and hit you at any time, but that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Everyone's grieves differently Belle, don't you ever worry about that" she placed a kiss on my cheek and laid her head on my shoulder to look at me "okay ?"

"Okay."

"You understand ?"

"Yeah"

"There is nothing wrong with you"

"Yeah"

"Say it with me"

"I'm not gonna say it with you we're not in kindergarten" I laughed a little

"I don't care"

"There is nothing wrong with me" I muttered defeatedly

"I can take the day off if you want"

"No, I think I have to figure out how I grieve on my own"

"Okay. Call me if you need anything"

"Eat your muffin"

"You eat one too. It tastes really good" she placed one on the table in front of me and went back to take a bite from hers

I picked the muffin up and took a bite too smiling a little at Leena who had turned her attention to her phone

Authors note:
....
I might've lied 😬
Anyways, this chapter and the whole grieving and coping is based on me so if you were like this when you lost a loved one: there is nothing wrong with you.
I thought that for the longest time cause I had to force myself to cry when my grandma died cause I didn't want to seem emotionless but it comes crashing so hard on a random day most of the time (mine was like 2 years later)
Anyways I'm sorry everyone, I love Darcy so so much, she has such a special place in my heart but sometimes good things don't last :(
Too long authors note again here I love yall thank you for reading this and actively commenting I love reading every single one of the comments (I watched mastermind being quoted throughout the entire day in my comment section today and I loved it)

For my fellow Gracie Abrams fans: THE SECRET OF US WILL BE OUT BY THE TIME I POST MY NEXT POST AHHHHHHHH, by the time I post my next post I will most definitely hold a signed card by Gracie in my hand and a beautiful vinyl ?!?!?!!!