Spring Moon

16

A few days had passed since Kevin was here in this small town. My daily life had come back to normal after he left again.

I did not know how to describe the feelings I felt when we were apart. I obviously interacted with many people other than him - my friends and my colleagues, but there was still a part of loneliness and silence engulfing which I couldn't track from where its originality was.

Yesterday, we exchanged a short text - he complained about the surprise I prepared. About his art and Moonlight page. I assumed Haknyeon already contacted him because the sarcastic text I received read: thanks to you Ms.Ivy, my time is occupied.

From a simple glance, I could say that he perhaps was mad. But, I knew him way too well. If he was angry, he wouldn't do it. Nonetheless, this morning, when I peeked inside the page, there was maintenance notice popped up on my screen. Will come back soon was what it was written.

Despite that, should I say that I regretted my own actions? He was already busy with work and I just added the misery into his head by doing something he wouldn't reject. All that would only mean that we were again distant. Maybe more. My last text to him yesterday was still left unread.

I inevitably sighed. Although I promised myself not to complain and just follow his pace, my unstable emotion sometimes was screaming for his attention. I hoped to see him doing something unexpected. Just like how he suddenly appeared at my event with 3 roses in his hands. I would want to feel the lucid dream again.

"Are you sure that this is what you want?"

My trance was broken by the voice coming from across me which I still questioned for what reason he must be here in my compartment. Sangyeon looked uninterested since his arrival when he said don't mind me and just do your work. So, why he was here in the first place?

"What is it you want to point out?" I glanced over at him behind my thin glasses. "Please, Sangyeon. Just straight to the point. I don't have time to think, I'm busy."

He then leaned forward, clasping his hands on my desk. Seriousness was painted on his face which for a brief moment, scared me to the core. Maybe, this was what all the staff here said about him being scary.

I was typing on my laptop when my fingers eventually stopped at his remark. "Your relationship. Is this what you want?"

Slowly, I trailed my gaze from the screen to his face. Now, he did not look scary. Instead, his expression was soft as if he was concerned. And I had a surge of sadness rushed over my spine when I saw that.

"What do you mean?" I abandoned my work midway, comfortably leaning against the chair. I was intrigued, no lie.

"Ivy, you know... I saw how bright you were back at the event. Your eyes were sparkling, your whole figure was glowing. It's all because Kevin was there," he paused as if he was downing an unknown lump in his throat. "Right now, you've lost them all. You see, I'm not meddling with your life but I've seen you at your lowest and I don't wish to see that Ivy again."

Touched.

"I don't know that you love me that much," I smirked, faintly scoffing in a joking manner. But, he wasn't on the same page as me. Sangyeon then glared. "Okay... what are you trying to highlight here?"

He mirrored my posture, comfortably connected his lean body with the chair and the clasped hands were now on top of his non-existent belly. It felt like dealing with a mafia leader, why the aura was too dark inside this bright room?

"I think you should talk to Kevin about this. He thought that you were all good with these rules he set up but actually you don't. And you should get rid of this habit of putting others first before yourself. You will constantly hurt."

Surprisingly, the advice was living free in my head. I'd tried to rid them of me because I thought I should ignore what they thought of my relationship. They weren't in my shoes, they weren't the ones who sailed this love. They didn't feel the struggles I faced for 12 years just to have this work.

But, when I stayed at the rooftop, staring over the view of this town from the edge while absorbing the sunlight of the late spring, I somehow realized that my thoughts, my heart and my desire were all red flags. I was gaslighting myself though I knew that my own action would hurt. I kept saying that I did this to make Kevin feel comfortable with me, to make him stay. But, what about myself? Were these what I wanted? What do I truly want?

"Ivy?"

My trance was broken and even though I hadn't turned yet to find the person who was disturbing my leisure time, I already knew that I did not like it even a bit. I meant, the presence of the person.

Despite the unwillingness, I turned and leaned against the ledge, arms over my chest. I didn't say anything as I looked at him. First, because I'd expected to see him and second, because I really wasn't interested in talking. My energy had drained so much.

"You good?" Joochan scooted closer, genuinely worried.

If I was being honest right now, I'd probably leave. But, being someone who was always remembering deals and promises, I stayed to be a professional like what he requested. And, if I needed to tell the truth, I despised him too much right now which at one point, even his voice made me feel nauseous.

All because he tried too hard to be outstanding back at the event.

I nodded at the question and swiftly I pushed myself onto my feet and started walking. However, as I passed by his static figure, his hand was quick to grasp my wrist.

"No need to be touchy," I twisted my hand to be freed.

"Sorry," he seemed to be taken aback by my action. I'd never been too violent before. "I... am just worried about you. You look tired."

"Tired of you, obviously."

I didn't look sorry after muttering that out and Joochan seemed to realize how his existence was the biggest contribution to my current state. The next thing that happened was, he turned around facing the view of this town, and both of his hands were cupping his hip. A faint scoff escaped his lips before he looked at me back.

"I don't understand, Ivy," he sighed. "Why can't we be normal? I'm trying my best to treat you well because you want this. You want us to keep a good friendship despite the breakup. But, why has everything I done never satisfied you?"

Treat me well? Did he really say that? He never cared to treat me well when we were dating. But, why now he tried too much?

"A good friendship doesn't mean you have to show yourself off in public. People might get a wrong idea about us!"

Joochan tensed. He seemed to be studying me. And then, he opened his mouth, "Is this about your friend, Kevin? Are you two now dating?"

I almost showed myself flustered hadn't my quick thinking jumped into action.

To mask the emotion, I scoffed, and arms crossed before I uttered, "It's my life. Why do you need to keep track?"

"I'm not," he paused, frustratedly pulling a handful of his fluffy hair. "Ivy, I really want to reconcile. If you never told me what happened between us, I wouldn't know. Then, how do I want to mend things?"

"It's so foreign to see you wanting to mend things. Please, bro, don't do something you rarely do."

At that, I turned on my heels and walked up straight to the door. I was worried. If I stayed longer in his presence, I might spill the real reason why I wanted to break up with him which wasn't my focus for now.

What I wanted to focus on now was to share happiness with Kevin Moon.