Spring Moon

34

I don't want to wake up.

What was the point of being awake if the world I was living in was nothing but cruel to me? What good would I get if I was declared alive but dead inside? Didn't it look like I was killing myself slowly? Because, by hook or by crook, all the false rumours spread would send me 7 feet underground - either naturally or forcefully.

But, for now, I would shrug the second thought aside. I still had to live - even if it wasn't for anyone in my circle, it was for my mother.

She was already in a miserable state, I guessed. Specifically when I was being hospitalized after the attack at the cafe the other day. Severe anxiety they said. Tch, since when did my condition escalate to the worst?

Jacob and Chanhee were the ones who drove me to the ER. Funny to admit, Chanhee was right. At this moment I was at my lowest - weak and sick, I desperately wanted Kevin to be with me. I wanted him to be here but those were all my mere wishes. A wish that probably wouldn't turn true.

On my second day being a patient, the only people who knew about my condition other than my friends were Sangyeon - probably Haknyeon and not to forget Joochan, who had known too by now. However, the last time I checked, my friends didn't say that they had informed Kevin and I had mixed feelings about it.

Did I want him to know or not?

"Let me know what you want to eat, and I'll bring it over," Faye stood beside my bed, waiting for just a simple reaction I never gave during my stay. I'd been ignoring her every time she asked. "Ivy."

"I'm not hungry... just go home and rest." I gave her my back as I turned in another direction. "I want to sleep. Just sleep."

Faye sighed and though I didn't see, I could imagine her shaking her head.

"Give me a call if you need anything," she reminded me, fixing my blanket afterwards. "I'm sorry I can't stay with you tonight. Evelyn too has something to do. She will come tomorrow morning, okay?"

I sniffled, vigorously nodding for her to see my reaction. Only the reaction, not the tears that had started flowing into the pillow by now. This was kind of overwhelming for me. My friends were taking turns staying in this room just not to let me feel alone already made me want to cry out loud.

But, who is to blame?

Was it me for being too weak? Or was it Daisy for making this fuss despite knowing about my condition? Or actually both of us?

It hurt my head to keep thinking but it had been running in a full circle in my head as I looked out the window of the room, watching the sun and the moon change their role. Just like that, I did not notice the clock ticking away and the day was about to end. Everything moved so fast yet I was left in the same spot, unmoving and doubting my whole life.

I was about to drift to dreamland when I heard the door sliding open and gentle footsteps coming in. Normally, I would just ignore it because it would always be the nurse who came to check on my vital. But, strangely, the footsteps sounded too faint and no touch was felt on my body.

The curiosity made my eyes flutter open, slowly regaining my full sight. With the small energy left in me, I pushed my body up, sitting on the mattress.

"Are you leaving, now?" I asked the demeanour who gave his back to me, his hand already holding the handle of the door. "It's a shame. Nobody is staying with me tonight and it feels so lonely."

The person froze for a few seconds before he spun around, unfazed looking at me. But, then, I noticed he looked away as if constantly looking at me hurt him to the core. The hands he balled beside his frame scared me because as far as I remembered, he never showed me this side of him.

"Can you stay?" I weakly asked. "Kevin?"

He spun again, this time giving his back to me. Then, he looked up at the ceiling, one hand tugging his hair. His action made me look down on my lap, fiddling with my fingers. What had I done?

Little did I know, Kevin turned back to face me and before I could lift my head to see him, he lashed out, "Why must I know about you from the page? Not directly from you, not even from our friends but the public? Why, Ivy, why?"

After 12 years of knowing him, this was the first time Kevin Moon burst in front of me.

"Why couldn't you mention to me about Daisy? Or just simply tell me that you're in trouble?" He panted, his eyes widening as he looked at me. "We've met and we've talked but never once have you told me anything about it."

"Because I..." I swiftly cut him, stopping him from lecturing me more. But then, it felt like some kind of regret. I wasn't sure if I really was ready to tell him the truth, nonetheless, it was too late to back off. So, I admitted, "I want you to keep liking me."

I looked straight into his orbs which slowly had vanished all the rages and replaced them with calmness. His tense shoulders slumped, and the balled hands relaxed.

"I want to make you feel proud of me. That I manage to endure all the hardships without taking you in to be involved." I paused, wiping away the stray tears on my cheek. "And I don't want you to think that I am a nuisance for having a fragile heart. I don't want you to get tired of me if I cling around you too much."

Kevin huffed to the floor, biting his lower lips. Slowly, he took step by step closer to me closing the gap between us. Until he stood right next to my bed and hesitantly placed his hand on the mattress.

"Tell me, Ivy..." His voice kind of cracked - almost sounded like he didn't want to continue. But, he inhaled a large amount of oxygen, mustering all the courage left to ask me the question. "Do you ever... feel like you need me?"

"All the time..." I shrugged, watching him lose all the energy to stand as he melted, reaching for the chair next to my bed. "I refrained myself from calling you."

Kevin squeezed his eyes tight, frowning as he did so. The sound of his breathing got heavier before he shook his head and again found my misty eyes.

"Ivy, I've been waiting. I was waiting for you - all the time. I wondered how your days were and I thought you were so silent because everything was... fine." He tucked my baby hair. "I'm sorry for being so nonchalant."

Right there, I burst into tears, starting with soft sobs that escalated to loud wail. I didn't care about my face anymore, whether I looked like a hideous elf in front of him, I just wanted the burdens that welled up inside me to disappear.

There were so many things I would like to know. How could he access the Moonlights page when Haknyeon had banned him? How did he know that I was hospitalized here? Who told him the details? Because up until this point, I was sure that none of my friends would betray me. If they wanted Kevin to know the truth, they would've done that a long time ago.

However, I pushed aside all the planned questions I had in mind and shamelessly laid down facing him.

"Don't leave until I fall asleep," I warned, still sniffling.

Kevin laughed, fixing my blanket. "Just sleep... I'll stay here."