Spring Moon

44

The cycle started again.

I held tight to the granite basin sink in the bathroom as the waste from inside my stomach came out through my mouth, the bitterness made me shudder. Tears had nonstop rolling down my cheeks - either it was too painful inside my chest or what had happened made me sad. I wasn't sure which one of them.

Faye and Evelyn had been standing outside the bathroom ever since I dashed in after the tense argument with Kevin and Joochan. They knew I wasn't okay, they knew what I'd been doing inside the bathroom, and they knew I didn't lock the door. And that was why they waited. They waited until I calmed down.

I leaned against the wall, asking for support but my body wasn't having it and I eventually slid down until I finally sat down on the floor - lucky it wasn't wet.

My appearance? Worst. And that out of many times, now only my friends chose to open the door just to hear my sobs become clearer.

"Ivy..." Evelyn seemed to want to cry as well, her lips quivered as she knelt next to me, swiftly pulling my head into the crook of her neck. "You're doing fine..."

"I'm not..." I said in between cries, throwing punches on my lap. "I will not!"

"Ivy, take it easy..." Faye held my hands from constantly hitting myself, beckoning Evelyn to break the hug as well. "We are here. Now, tell... What happened?"

I let my head fall backwards hitting the wall, wailing as much as I wanted. Everything slid inside my head ever so easily as if it refused to leave and would be here to torture me constantly.

"I love Kevin so much that I don't want to lose him but why..." I paused, letting out the stuffy lump inside my chest into a cry, Evelyn tucking my hair from sticking on my wet cheeks. "Why there must be a lot of things that got into our way? Why the path we're taking is so full of holes that pull us down? Why? Can't we just be happy?"

"Ivy... listen," Evelyn held my hand. "Good things will come once the hard time is over. You know that too."

"Right... These are all plays, Ivy," Faye added. "These plays are fake, they are just illusions. You don't have to pay attention to them."

"But, I'm not strong. Not anymore..." My cries echoed, stuffing my chest again. "I want this to stop."

Faye and Evelyn exchanged looks, the one that was familiar and understandable. The hidden message I delivered wasn't hard to unveil and so these two weren't agreed.

So, they protested.

"Cut the crap!" Faye started. "What are you talking about?"

"Ivy, don't be nonsense," Evelyn continued. "You have come this far! So what? You want to waste those 12 years you sacrificed for Kevin and you want to break up?"

"If that's the only choice we have..."

"Stop it, Ivy," Faye cut me before my mind could roam around the negativity deeper. "You will regret this later because you are not in the right mind."

They absolutely knew that I was damn serious. They knew I said all those while I was in my right mind. Nonetheless, because they didn't want me to decide on something that was living in my head for a while, they made up a belief that I was insane.

I wished they could understand what I truly felt.

I meant that - that I love Kevin so much. Because when I loved, I loved with all my heart. And for someone like Kevin - whom I'd waited for 12 years, the love wouldn't die so easily.

But, it pained me when he became the target. It hurt me just by looking and I didn't want him to feel the misery. And if that meant for us to split up, I might consider it for him. That is how I love him.

I might not know the backstory - why or how he ended up being alone with Joochan in that room. However, one thing I knew for sure, Joochan shouldn't have said anything about our previous relationship.

For, I had thrown away all the past that was hurt for me to keep remembering.

*

The next day I woke up - again skipping dinner last night not because I wasn't hungry but because I wasn't ready to face either Kevin or Joochan, Rosie told me that she would leave today - Sangyeon's instruction.

I knew they were here temporarily but I didn't know that it would be this soon to say goodbye. We would still be here for another few days, so why couldn't they follow the plan as well?

However, little did I know, I instantly found the answer from Rosie herself.

"Sangyeon feels bad for letting Joochan tag along. If only me and Haknyeon were here, maybe none of this would occur," Rosie pursed her lips when our eyes met - I was watching her pack her bag. "Ivy... can I give you a piece of advice?"

I nodded.

She sat down next to me in a corner, holding my hands lovingly. The slight squeeze she gave was comforting - I could've fallen asleep at her touch.

"As Rosie - a human and your fans, I know I have no place to say this but as Rosie - your personal assistant, I hope you can consider this..." she breathed in a large amount of oxygen before she continued, "Don't ever think about a breakup. I might not know Kevin well but I notice how different you are when you are with him. He is someone you need."

I chuckled. "I've never said he's my boyfriend."

"Huh! Correction, you never said it to me!" She flipped her hair vigorously, portraying her disappointment. "I can't believe that I am the only one who doesn't know. How dare you keep it from me, Ivy!"

"Correction... I never said it to anyone else too. They found out themselves," I retaliated sarcastically, watching Rosie flinch.

"So... I just couldn't read the air," she placed a palm on her chest, more disappointed at the new finding. "Anyway! I'm serious, Ivy. Please secure this relationship you have."

"From your view, why?" I genuinely wanted to know. Because Rosie was someone I would seek advice from after my friends if I was conflicted about something. There was something about her opinion that would give me a clear path.

"Hmm..." She looked up at the ceiling, tapping her chin. "I can see that he's well prepared to handle you whenever you... yes, that one."

I grinned. I'd never thought that my condition would put her in a tight position to address. Because I simply felt that it was not a sensitive thing for her to discuss. I knew I wouldn't heal easily and that I'd troubled a lot of people especially her to handle myself.

But, her reasoning caught my whole attention. Well prepared. Sometimes, I thought the same too. Kevin knew how to handle me at my lowest when he had never seen me in that condition before.

Nonetheless, would her opinion change my mind this time?

I found myself reaching for my phone, swiftly unlocking it and going into the chat apps. Just for a brief moment, I hesitated but it didn't last long. My fingers knew what to do.

And so, I typed 'Can we talk?'