My Little Wife by imashh29
Reviewer : Reeya_Reader_Writer
Hey ! Since your book has only one published chapter, it won't be possible for me to focus on the plot and the characters. I will give an analysis based on one chapter only. Here is your review !
GRAMMAR -One thing that you absolutely need to work upon is grammar. Grammatical errors are quite evident throughout the chapter. From punctuations to tenses and sentence structuring, everything needs to be worked upon. Right from the beginning, editing is required. For example, let's take the first paragraph.
The names of characters should always begin with capital letters. "....best friend Rosie." This is a repetition throughout the chapter. Have a look at the chapter and you will be able to spot the errors. Another thing is the use of full stops and commas at the appropriate places. The lack of the same proves to be a major blockage in the reading and reduces the enjoyment quite significantly.
Let's talk about tenses now. Tenses have been intermingled. Stick to one form of tense and do not change it until absolutely necessary. For example, you have written, "I was hanging out with my best friend rosie....be feminine." You started with the past tense but shifted to the present tense. Such errors cause hindrances in the reading. Try re-writing it as,
" I was hanging out with my best friend, Rosie. A girl from a rich, powerful mafia family. But, following the mafia tradition of not training girls in any kind of apparently harmful skills, her and mine fate coincide and hence a friendship over the fate of being the daughters of mafia and our so-called feminine sides."
Like I said before, grammatical errors are quite significant in the chapter. Please work upon them or contact an editor, if required.
STRUCTURING - Another aspect that needs attention. You have incorporated dialogues and scenes within a single paragraph. Break them up and write them separately. For example, you have written, " Now grandpa and other guests left telling me to stay with Ava. I grabbed her by her waist and went towards my Rolls Royce "Stop it..you fucking-" I cut of her by slamming her inside a car. "No one gets to talk me like that you better know your place !" I roared.....me in chaos" You may rewrite it as
Grandpa and other guests left and much to my annoyance, asking me to stay with Ava. Before anyone could notice, I grabbed her by the waist and forced her out towards the parking lot, where my Rolls Royce stood in all its glory.
"Stop it..you fucking-" Before she could complete her sentence, I pushed her inside the car.
Break your dialogues and scenes properly. Proper spacing and breaking are quite an integral part of any book. Each and every scene in the chapter needs to be broken properly with appropriate spacings.
Another thing is lack of descriptions. The plot right away started with Ava and Rosie in a club. Add descriptions of the place, the settings and the characters. Write a description of the club, its ambience and people there. Similarly, write a description of Marco's villa and following it, incorporate details of the room where Ava was asked to stay. Appropriate and the right amount of descriptions makes the reader connect to the story.
I would suggest you to write one chapter focusing on the POV of one character only. You may write chapter one in Ava's POV only and then chapter two in Marco's POV. While alternating chapters between their POVs, you will also be able to give an appropriate description of the feelings of characters and their thought processes. It will also become interesting for the reader to get insight into the characters' mind, their lives and their thinking.
LANGUAGE - Similar to all other aspects, this is also an area of focus. You have written words like "coz", "fatty" "beated" to point a few. Use the correct form of words like "beaten". Words like "coz" are frequently used in chat. However, while penning down a book, you need to use the correct form as found in the English language. Use 'because' in place of "cuz" and for words like "fatty", use simple words/ phrases like "protruding belly."
OVERALL VIEW- Based on this chapter, my advice would be to work on above-mentioned points since they truly define your plot. Go through the chapter and incorporate the changes. All the best !
