The Olympic by Nataya_James
Reviewer: RavingBlack
PLOT
Is there a clear goal/direction?
No. I don't know what the main character's goals are or what the course of the plot is.
Is the plot compelling to root for?
No. It is not compelling because I don't know what it is.
Is the pacing rushed or dragged out?
The pacing drags. Your first chapter does not necessarily need to be filled with action and drama or even your inciting incident. It does, however, require a hook for readers' attention. The first chapter reveals nothing about the coming conflict of the novel or what changes the character might undergo, so there is no trace of the plot in the first chapter. The case is the same in the second chapter because the characters go to a sweets shop without anything interesting or relevant to the plot happening there. I would suggest shaping a hook to grab your readers' attention and lead them to your next story beat—the inciting incident.
CHARACTERS
Are characters' desires and fears clear?
A character's desire is what they truly want and is the motivation behind their actions. A character's fear is what they're running from over the whole plot whilst pursuing their desire. It's important to show these so readers can better see how a character will experience development and also make them more interesting.
Although there are only two chapters to this book, there should at least be some glimpses of these deep-seated desires and fears. I usually use these desires and fears as a hook for readers because they're naturally drawn to characters that have something they desire but struggle against their fears to obtain it. Without these deep, important aspects of a driven, dynamic character, a character without a true desire or a true fear often feels flat, uninteresting, or bland. I suggest fleshing out Juno's desire and fear which would in turn drive the plot and interest readers. At the moment, I have little knowledge of what her personality is.
Are characteristics shown and not told?
The characteristics are mostly shown, but I still find it lacking. The purpose of showing and not telling is to make your characterization stronger, more immersive, and more vivid. Important characters should be illustrated by their actions, so you should give your characters as many opportunities to show off their personality as they can.
Indeed, you show Fabio's personality as a caring and thoughtful father when he refuses Juno's help to let her rest. However, a few more examples of this would make it more believable and make him a more likable character. In addition to this moment with his daughter, you could perhaps include an anecdote about how he always insists on doing all the work for his family no matter what or maybe you have Fabio carefully helping his wife and children off the boat. Multiple instances of Fabio's personality would make him more memorable, but he is only an example I'm writing about. I suggest doing this with all of your important characters.
ENGAGEMENT
Am I inclined to read further?
No.
What makes me want to read more or less?
The improper grammar becomes distracting at times, and the dialogue feels robotic and awkward. The lack of characterization for any of the family also makes all the characters feel bland and uninteresting. The pacing is also slow and unfocused, so I have no idea where the plot is going.
GRAMMAR
Does the grammar hinder reading?
I notice that you make some consistent mistakes with commas and quotations. For example, you don't use commas when a character addresses another by name. In the first chapter, you have the sentence, "Coming Francesca." This should be written as, "Coming, Francesca." Another example of a regular error you make is not using the comma with the dialogue tag or capitalizing correctly. For instance, you write: "'Coming Francesca.' I say rolling my eyes." This sentence should have been written as, ""Coming, Francesca," I say, rolling my eyes." You also needed a comma between say and rolling because a comma should set off a participial phrase.
Other than what I have pointed out, there were more grammar errors you consistently made, but I won't point out all of them. You can read more on the rules for punctuation usages on Grammarly.com or other writing resources like owl.purdue.edu. In addition, reading published books will give you a good sense for grammar conventions as well.
Is the writing style noticeable in a good or bad way?
The dialogue feels awkward and robotic. When characters are speaking, all of them speak the same, and there is little texture or rhythm to the dialogue. The missing commas and the lack of punctuation beyond commas or periods does not make the rhythm interesting or varied, so it does not read like a real conversation. For example, here is an excerpt of your first chapter:
"You know I don't need any help Bambino." My younger baby brother starts to cry. "Go look after your brother and sister."
"I can do this father. It's not that hard."
"Amore, she's a strong girl."
There are also very little dialogue tags to show how a character said something or how they feel or what they are thinking while they are saying it. Thus, the only things you know about the characters' thoughts and feelings are seen only through the dialogue, so it's not detailed or immersive at all. I would write the above as:
"You know I don't need any help, Bambino." My father looks away when my younger baby brother starts to cry. He offers a tired smile as he turns away to pick up more of our luggage. He coaxed, "Go on; look after your brother and sister."
"I can do this father!" I jump to grab the handle of one of his suitcases, and I get it off the ground even though my arms were shaking a bit. "I-It's not that hard."
"Amore," my mother drawled absently as she comforted my little brother, "she's a strong girl."
Using a combination of italics, diverse punctuation, and dialogue tags, I've manipulated the dialogue to sound like a real conversation. Through the writing, you can glean that Juno is eager to help and is masking her difficulty in doing so. You can also tell that Fabio's wife is quite accustomed to her husband's habits, if not a little tired of them. Employing these different techniques and tools will allow you to achieve a deeper immersion and stronger characterization in your writing style.
