Life Within the halls by reindolfwrites
Reviewer : AakritiPathak
Apologies for the delay in publishing your review! The story got buried under pile : )
FIRST IMPRESSION:
Upon first look, the story cover catches eye. The background image and the clarity of texts is commendable. However, the title of the story could be improvised in the sense of font color. A gradient, or any texture can add to the effectiveness. Additionally, "within" & "halls" in the current shade cuts down the clarity.
Description is to the point, crisp and hooking, to say the least. A good blurb contains the glimpse of main leads, possible conflict, a major hindrance, and ultimately the plot question that the readers try to know about. The blurb has been presented pretty well. The only point I felt missing is a major blockage in the way of characters. A mention or allusion to any event which serves as the major turning point in the plot – try including it into the blurb to give an idea about conflicts. You can also add a tiny bit of information about something which is at stake.
OPENING:
An opening chapter – prologue, or the first chapter – plays the key role in setting a tone for further chapters. Writer's style, the voice of narration, and the execution of the storyline are grounded in this opening chapter. As for this story, the prologue holds much intrigue. Introduction of the Hill Academy is the best part, even though much focus is on the characters, the place holds a sense of mystery, and it's evident with however much lines are thrown in about the academy. One thing's for sure, whoever signs up for Hill Academy is going to have one hell of a ride during the coming years. The contrast of personality between Pearl and Emma is remarkable as well. This makes me come to the criticism of opening:
Events and emotions are extremely rushed. Rushed to a point that the reading at times feels nothing but unreal and ridiculous. For instance, how easily Emma says about their parent's death, or how soon she agrees with Pearl for enrolling into the scholarship program even after showing resistance and vulnerability at first. Lastly, hearing a close one's death takes a major emotional and physical toll. It's not realistic for Emma to hear about the death of Pearl, her sister, the only one left with her in the name of family, and in place of showing some grief or intense emotional response, she is giving out a dialogue and questioning what kind of life folks of the Academy live. What exactly might have happened, or what Emma is going to do now should be her last concern. At that moment let her simply come to terms with her grief. The more real or relatable you make your writing, the more you can keep your readers glued to their seats.
PLOT & CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:
..."a plot that's too predictable, neglecting subplots or making them irrelevant to the main story, failing to establish clear stakes, overusing coincidences to resolve conflicts, and not allowing the plot to evolve organically from the characters' decisions and growth." – pointers of a weak plot development.
Firstly, let's talk about strengths. Throughout the story, the narrative style is impressive. Getting to know about the events through the eyes of four characters never felt off or unnecessary. From the very moment when this unofficial group of Jayden, Sandra, Victoria, and Gideon formed, their little investigation to find the culprit, the way certain events around video and suspects were set, to the ultimate moment of truth about Kelvin, Pearl, and Henry – one can easily be hooked to the story and no boredom would rise. In fact, I even planned to read till 10 or 12 chapters, but once I got there, curiosity amplified and I ended up reading till the very last line of the Epilogue.
Now as for what can be improved – there is simply too much telling rather than showing. Especially Jayden's ordeal with Chloe, or Victoria and Gideon stumbling upon real Daniel, Sandra revealing her true self – all these events and more such incidents have full potential of being detailed out. Show, don't tell what happened. Instead of telling us that Sandra told everyone she's Emma, show the sequence, the conflict, the emotions, their trust, acceptance. It will not only look more real, but also more immersive. Less monotonous.
Another major issue I found is lack of proper set-up. Even though the plotline is interesting, the execution lacks at various points. Majorly when it comes to the pacing and the character's motivation. Chloe was obsessed with Daniel, so her kidnapping him and setting up Mr. Bennett is quite understandable. But what was her motive behind setting up a fake Daniel? Personally, to me this addition seems extra. If Daniel was missing, the sense of mystery may have heightened even more.
Similarly, Henry is the murderer of Pearl. But exactly what was his motive? No one kills for a mere timepass or pleasure. Why would he do any such thing? Unclear motives can cut down that mystery aura you're trying to build. Might as well add tid bits of Henry here and there as well. His body language, something he says, the way he interacts. Keep it subtle, but make it slightly suspicious. This, as of now, feels like someone has to kill Pearl, so they did, and lastly no one has a clear motive, so let's just add Henry's name.
The only point of blunt suggestion would be to work on detailing out the events and put forward the clear motives of characters. Cut down anything extra which doesn't serve the purpose.
As for character development, each character has a unique voice while telling the tale. Personally, I enjoyed Jayden and Gideon's perspective quite a lot. Their raw thoughts, the way they perceive any situation, or overall how they behave under different circumstances – that's the most impactful part. These two characters have unfolded well.
Victoria and Sandra have much room for improvement. Especially Victoria. Given that she's the granddaughter of the academy's founder, she's that elite person who needs to do right under each situation. She is supposed to maintain her image, grades, personality, her circle of friends, etc. Showing this clash of what she's supposed to be and what she desires to be is a good idea to make her character stand out. When you have a golden chance to make a character stronger, just strike it! Same with Sandra, she's almost invisible. In sense that she's simply repeating what others in her group are doing. There's a space for making her to appear mysterious. There should be a hint of mystery surrounding her true identity, noting the point that she's Emma. You don't have to reveal anything, just sprinkle some pointers where the other characters are forced to think who truly Sandra is. The more dynamic and deep your characters are, the better the reading experience.
This can also be done with Gideon and Jayden, despite them being strong leads anyway. Gideon is breaking under the pressure of proving himself as the best student, the topper. A scene of interaction between him and his father may do wonders here. Although there already is a scene of his family life, add emotional/dramatic depth to it. Reading about toxic expectations, feeling sympathy for Gideon, and more such instances will lead to a relatable character. Upon confessing about witnessing a murder, the readers need to feel what Gideon might be going through mentally that he didn't stand up for two victims in order to prove himself as the brightest student. This way his personal motive and stakes will also become clearer.
Showing what all is at stake in the characters' lives as they seek the truth is equally important for a plot to grow.
Otherwise, both the plotline and the characters are really amazing.
STYLE & GRAMMAR:
Writing style is immersive, I've already said that. Storytelling is awe-inspiring and charming! What I would suggest here is addition of physical descriptions. Body language while a character is hesitant, angry, dubious, confused, etc. Their facial expressions, the way they speak, the more you describe, the better the coherence gets.
Grammar seems good. So far, no visible blunders or errors. Keep improving though, there is always so much to improvise. The more varieties you try, the more you will add golden points to this writing.
OVERALL
The premise is extremely promising, so are the characters. Way of writing is cautious, observant, and good. Once we start reading, the events are bound to connect to each other and one will be left with no option but to complete the story. All in a good way! One point which deserves to be mentioned is the showcase of the life of an elite school. The rich kids, their behavior, the virtual lives of theirs, etc, these are presented rightfully within the chapters. One can't help but be transported to the pages where visualizing the walls of Hills Academy is much easier. Overall, a good short read. After polishing certain pointers and tightening the loose threads of plot, Life within the Halls can reach heights. Best wishes to the writer!
