The Viper's Venom by Ipsitalali
Reviewer : CrownedMadness
SUMMARY:
Five sisters hold the memories to unlock the secrets of a generational puzzle. When Alton Vox, husband of the youngest daughter Valeria Kaiser, loses his memory, including memories of her, a dangerous game unfolds. Valeria races against time to help him remember, and the puzzle's solution remains uncertain.
PLOT:
The plot, on its own, is intriguing with its blend of romance, mystery, and thriller elements. However, after reading, I found that the blurb didn't accurately represent the story. It focuses on family secrets, romance, and memory loss but doesn't mention the central theme of the mafia. Adding that detail in the blurb will clarify what to expect from the book, and may even attract fans of mafia romance. The absence of any reference to Valeria's family in the initial chapters was unexpected, given that the blurb emphasizes this aspect and the generational mystery. In short, the blurb needs improvement for better impact and clarity on the plot. Furthermore, revising the sentence structure would enhance comprehension. (For example, "But when the youngest daughter of the Kaiser family's cherished lover, Alton Vox, a sweet Math teacher, loses his memory-including his memories of his wife, Valeria Kaiser-the game becomes deadly." is a convoluted sentence.)
CHARACTERS:
The character introduction of The Viper, aka Valeria Kaiser, is well executed. The description of her physicality helps to conceive her character. From the first five chapters, Valeria seems to have the potential to be both vulnerable and strong. In contrast, Alton Vox comes across as a more sensitive character. The side characters, Killian and James, provide a different perspective on Valeria, and the dynamics between the trio feel more like friendship than just a boss and personal assistants. Carmi and Marcus play the same role in Alton's life as Killian and James in Valeria's.
The characters could benefit from more depth. You have a good foundation, but adding more details and showcasing different sides of the characters would make them feel real. For example, the infiltration scene was an opportunity to demonstrate Valeria's leadership, but skipping over it left her actions and capabilities unexplored in the first five chapters. Additionally, focusing on the specifics of the characters' internal conflicts rather than generalities will give them more magnitude.
WORLD-BUILDING:
The opening scene made a strong visual impact but didn't provide much insight into the mafia world. It would be helpful to introduce the people gathered around and clarify Valeria's position within the mafia, whether she's a mafia boss or working under "the mafia." Moreover, the mafia is mentioned generally. While the organization's name gets revealed in the sixth chapter, there's still a lack of information about its identity and the stakes involved, especially considering they appear to be the antagonists in Valeria's story. The setting is also undefined until the sixth chapter. Adding sensory descriptions and providing clarity of the surroundings and pertinent information will make a more immersive world.
WRITING:
The writing has simple vocabulary and descriptive language; however, there is a tendency towards repetition. The third-person POV in the beginning is visually impactful (and stronger than your first-person), but its purpose is uncertain. If the first-person narration drives the story, I suggest maintaining consistency by using the first-person from the beginning and giving insight into Valeria's internal monologue as she makes those decisions. Some sentence structuring is confusing, and the narrative will benefit from trimming unnecessary words to enhance impact. For example, using "grumbled" instead of "voice filled with annoyance" will be more effective in conveying annoyance—that is, strike a balance between showing and telling.
There are some inconsistencies, some of which lead to unrealistic situations, such as Valeria unlocking the door in chapter 2, but later, Alton unlocks it; Valeria's behavior in chapter 3, ignoring a gushing wound and effortlessly rushing to the mafia base; moreover, the timeline of Valerie's arrival at the accident site and paramedics still present is unrealistic as their priority will be rushing the life-threatened person to the hospital rather than linger at the site.
In terms of pacing, the overall tempo of the events is decent, but the delivery and scene length, especially highlighting important details, need improvement for a more rhythmic and immersive reading experience.
GRAMMATICAL IMPROVEMENTS:
The use of commas needs reviewing. There are unnecessary commas placed before dependent clause markers, such as "as if." There are also incorrect punctuation, such as using a period instead of a comma before a dialogue tag and missing punctuation in direct speech. However, overall, the writing is grammatically sound and does not significantly distract the reader. Kudos!
TITLE:
The title "The Viper's Venom" possesses a certain allure, implying the genre possibility of Mystery Thriller or Fantasy. However, given the book's classification as a Romance, I'm unsure whether the title aligns with the genre unless it's hinting at themes of breakup and revenge. Although, after careful consideration, it may allude to Valeria's spite against the mafia. The clarity and significance of the title depend mainly on the plot. Nevertheless, it rolls off the tongue.
BOOK COVER:
The color palette is really attention-grabbing and the overall purple haze gives off a mysterious and powerful vibe that fits the story perfectly. The cover is well composed, with the focus on the lady in the middle, and the two men in suits nod to the mafia element. However, I would suggest removing the snake to clarify that the Viper is actually the lady, and to eliminate any suggestion of fantasy. Additionally, improving the typeface and using a contrasting color (the common rule of light on dark) for the text will make it more identifiable and visually appealing.
ENJOYMENT QUOTIENT:
The unforeseen development of Alton embarking on a personal mission heightened the intrigue. The occasional sprinkle of pop culture references adds an enjoyable element. The romance dynamic between Alton and Valeria is sweet and has room for exploration. The concepts you have conceived have the potential for success, and once the delivery reaches the same level, it will scale up the enjoyment.
BOTTOMLINE:
Your potential as a writer is evident, particularly in the strong opening sequence (almost like a movie scene) and the beginning of Alton's point of view. Do thorough research, identify the central theme and plot points, and delve into character development. I foresee the book appealing to enthusiasts of mafia fiction, and fans of family drama and romantic tropes such as bad girl/good boy. Keep writing!
