The darkness of your void by Moonlightocean999
Reviewer : CrownedMadness
SUMMARY:
Arian has a friend named Maiyu. She's always by his side, too clingy and annoying. Then, Arian makes a new friend who will become his first love, putting his friendship with Maiyu to the test.
PLOT:
The blurb is very short but summarizes the key points of the short story. However, adding a compelling closing line that hints at potential consequences or the overarching theme could further enhance its impact. Also, make sure to clear the grammatical errors for a stronger first impression. Regardless, kudos! It's obvious that this is a romantic short story.
The opening line is an intriguing question that grabs the reader's attention and sets a dark and introspective tone for the story. The journey from Arian's childhood to adulthood through his internal monologue is well-crafted. However, towards the end of the story, the plot seems rushed to tie everything together, especially with the sudden burglary situation. It would have been better to include some foreshadowing, such as a vague mention of common robbery-murder incidents in their area or local rumors, to better deliver this plot point instead of it existing merely as a shock factor. However, overall, a well-structured short story.
CHARACTERS:
I noticed that you've given each character a distinct personality or appearance to make them stand out, which is great.
Arian's internal monologue is executed decently, and he has a distinct voice throughout that helps shape his character. However, some of his views were problematic and seemed to stereotype a group of people, such as "dull introverted expression" and "lesbian haircut." It could be an intentional character flaw, but I wanted to bring it up in case it wasn't your intention for his character. However, perhaps consider sensitively exploring these aspects further for a more nuanced portrayal of Arian.
Similarly, the introduction of Coco by Kazumi with "No, she's not a lesbian, but a tomboy" feels unnecessary for the same reason. However, it does help establish a common ground for Kazumi and Arian's personalities, making sense as to why they were drawn to each other.
Of the three main characters, Maiyu seems to be the most developed, undergoing significant changes from childhood to high school. The hint of her changing feelings for Arian and his obliviousness toward it is well portrayed and leaves room for readers to wonder.
I wish the character relationships had been explored more, especially the friendships between Maiyu/Arian and Kazumi/Arian, as well as the romance between Kazumi/Arian. Adding more significant scenes that show the depth and progression of these relationships would also add depth to the overall story. I understand that there may have been limitations due to it being a contest entry, but I encourage you to consider delving deeper when you redraft. This will not only help shape the characters but also allow the readers to better appreciate the dynamics between them.
WORLD-BUILDING:
The story subtly references the Japanese setting through the arrangement of grade alphabets in schools and the requirement of uniforms, conveying the cultural backdrop. Also, the addition of Japanese terms like "fujoshi," "senpai," etc., while personally confusing, helped to establish the setting further. As previously mentioned, you can subtly explore into the locality in accordance with the storyline to enhance the reading experience.
WRITING:
The writing is evocative in many places, and as I mentioned before, you did well maintaining Arian's narrative tone. The monologue is well-written, and it feels like Arian is speaking directly to the reader, which I think was your intended effect. My only suggestion is regarding the descriptions. Firstly, as previously said, some descriptions are problematic and redundant. Secondly, since it's an introspective narration, it's naturally a bit telling-forward. But I thought you could use "showing" descriptions, especially tapping into Arian's senses—how he felt, specific smells/sounds/feelings he notably remembers and can't shake off—particularly during the traumatic climax sequence.
GRAMMATICAL IMPROVEMENTS:
I understand that you mentioned the book is unedited, but the major issue with the short story is its grammatical and typographical errors that hinder the reading experience. There are odd capitalizations and tense shifts, but the most room for improvement is the punctuation and paragraph division.
I noticed that you tend to write without proper punctuation, which makes the narrative feel like there's no pause for breath. One friendly tip is reading your work out loud—it can really help you identify where natural pauses occur and where the punctuation is missing.
Long paragraphs aren't a problem if they are well organized. Making sure to group sentences and ideas that are related and starting a new paragraph whenever a new idea emerges will improve the overall flow. Also, the use of quotation marks for both thoughts and dialogue can be confusing. I'd suggest using italics or adding thought tags after a thought to clarify.
ENJOYMENT QUOTIENT:
The short story is like a rollercoaster, starting gently but ending with an unexpected twist. The concept is enjoyable, and I can see fans of romantic tragedy enjoying this brief tale. Cleaning up the writing will significantly enhance the story's enjoyment factor and its overall appeal.
BOTTOMLINE:
The short story needs some proofreading and editing. However, I believe that this short tale will be enjoyed by readers who appreciate dark themes, tragic love stories, and the friendzone trope. Keep writing! All the best with the contest!
