GHOST: THE STRONGEST LORD by Zainpro37
Reviewer: CrownedMadness
SUMMARY:
In a world where people can manipulate three types of energies, Aloran is unable to control any energy, making him an outcast in his school. Until a mysterious shadowy figure offers to share their energy with him in exchange for completing a quest to free them.
PLOT:
The current blurb doesn't deliver engaging factors to the readers and doesn't do justice to your charming plot. It reads more like a condensed logline, which is still pretty vague. For example, "unique ability" is not specific enough to convey the world you're offering. I'd suggest introducing Aloran and the setting and tease the primary conflict or stakes involved to lure the potential reader—basically, a sales pitch for your book.
The plot features an undertone of self-discovery theme with an engaging quest and adventure at the center of the stage, which is fascinating. The concept of a world where "sorcerers" manipulate energies is intriguing and unique, and the idea of shouting power moves reminded me of the anime One Piece. Overall, it promises a brilliant and exciting fantasy.
However, the execution of the plot has room for improvement. Specifically, the novel lacks structure, and the plot development happens without giving readers enough time to fully engage with the story, therefore overwhelming and confusing the readers. Regardless, the fascinating concept made the reading experience worthwhile.
CHARACTERS:
The first chapter itself introduces five characters, including the protagonist, Aloran. This seems like a lot of important people to introduce all at once, especially since two of them meet their end before the readers even have a chance to form a connection with them or understand their importance. I get that Princess Ikayla's death is a crucial plot point that significantly impacts Aloran and the overall plotline, especially since it seems that the unnamed royalty and her brother Xholdir are now seeking revenge on Aloran. However, as I mentioned before, the events are happening so quickly that the readers don't have time to care about the characters or the story, for that matter.
Aloran has the most screen time, but he doesn't feel fully developed.
I'd suggest taking your time to flesh out the characters and understand their individuality. Most importantly, don't rush the plot—let the reader actually see the progress. Delve into the character's internal struggles and access their thoughts. For example, after killing Princess Ikayla, what are Aloran's thoughts and emotions? Is he feeling shocked, scared, or worried about potential retribution from the royal family? Moreover, how does he reflect on his interaction with the dark energy and the shadowy figure? What's his plan now that he's on the run? It's important for him to have moments of self-doubt and introspection regarding his newfound power and the consequences of his actions to make him a sensible and three-dimensional character.
WORLD-BUILDING:
The strong point of this book might be its world-building concept, providing a solid foundation for the world and its residents. However, there are some areas where world-building feels vague. For example, while the kingdom of Princess Ikayla appears to be the antagonist in Aloran's story, there's a lack of clarity regarding the kingdom's power and significance. The name of the kingdom hasn't been revealed yet, either.
I think the world-building details could be delivered better. Instead of an introduction passage, incorporating the information into the storytelling, for example, through a lecture on world history at Aloran's school, would make it more engaging for readers. I also noticed that some scenes seemed to exist solely to convey information, which came across as a bit forced and unnatural. For example, it was strange that the unnamed teacher went on to talk about history while attacking Aloran. This scene could be delivered more believable, especially the dialogue.
The idea of three energies, including one that's forbidden and ancient, opens up a lot of possibilities for imagination and exploration. I hope you'll delve into these concepts further over the course of the book.
WRITING:
The weak point of the book is the descriptions, specifically the imbalance of showing vs telling, which then affected the overall pace of the narrative.
When you're trying to communicate objective information, it's better to "tell" your readers. However, if you want your readers to experience the character's emotions and the events of the plot, it's best to "show" instead. Adding sensory details can help readers better visualize and understand the story.
Currently, the writing relies more on "telling" than "showing," which gives the narrative a very matter-of-fact feel. As a result, the plot unfolds rapidly without much structure or build-up. I'd suggest slowing down the plot progression and giving more room for important scenes to unfold. For example, Aloran's interrogation with the teachers could be a good moment to delve into his thoughts and struggles, followed by a gradual introduction to Princess Ikayla and the shadowy figure. This approach would help readers better appreciate the story without feeling overwhelmed or confused.
Regardless, the writing creates a suspenseful and intense atmosphere, which draws the reader into the narrative. Kudos on that!
GRAMMATICAL IMPROVEMENTS:
The book contains several grammatical inaccuracies, such as sudden shifts in point of view, inconsistent capitalization, punctuation errors, and run-on sentences. Also, please note that using quotation marks for both dialogue and thoughts can be confusing. Consider using italics for thoughts or add a thought tag after writing the thought for better clarity.
If you're having trouble with the language, it's always a good idea to have someone with strong editing skills proofread it to ensure that your writing is clear and engaging for readers—this will help improve the overall appeal of your book, too. There are multiple editing shops on Wattpad, including one provided by Esthetique Community. Feel free to ask for help.
ENJOYMENT QUOTIENT:
I want to emphasize that, despite the areas of improvement and grammatical issues, I did enjoy the story. The first chapter, although it feels a bit crammed with a lot of things, left me in awe and wanting to know more. So, kudos on that!
BOTTOMLINE:
The concepts in your story are really impressive, and I can see that you have a good vision, especially in the fight scenes. The area you need to focus on is the plot progression and descriptions—it's important to remember that the readers are new to your world, unlike yourself. So, give them time to ease into the world and get to know the characters. Whether you're a pantser or a planner, having a basic outline of the novel will help you better structure the story and make the chapters more engaging. Overall, I foresee this fantasy resonating with fans of the genre, especially the YA audience. Keep writing!
