Love Of Evil And Cursed - The Tormented by BloodRiver876
Reviewer: CrownedMadness
SUMMARY:
Rudra, the ultimate fire sorcerer, vows to massacre evil from the world. However, everything changes when he meets Mohini, the ice sorceress. As their paths intertwine, Rudra finds himself in a battle of loyalty and all-consuming love. He must face the ultimate choice: save his love or sacrifice his love.
PLOT:
The blurb presents an intriguing romantasy, especially with the comparison poem at the start. However, phrases like "cursed prince" and "deserted princess" may feel clichéd, especially since the blurb lacks specificity. I suggest keeping the initial poem and adding a second blurb that mentions key elements such as the setting and plot details, leaving readers eager for more. Overall, the emotional weight surely comes through.
The contrast between the protagonists (calm vs adventurous, innocent vs fierce protector, ice vs fire) creates an engaging dynamic based on the "opposites attract" trope. The themes of pain, sacrifice, and love suggest an emotional journey, while the magical elements open a rich world, seemingly inspired by Indian history and mythology. Overall, it's a strong setup for an epic romantasy.
The execution of the plot needs some work, but there's surely the barebones in place. The storytelling requires a bit more engagement. For example, jumping straight into the action in the introductory chapter was engaging. However, more context about Rudra's previous trials would have helped readers develop a deeper emotional connection to his struggles leading up to the final test and understand the person he is. This is where the internal monologue is helpful, which I felt could be explored more in the narrative—allowing readers to truly engage with Rudra's thoughts and feelings (or whichever character's pov is being used) rather than just an overview. This approach will significantly deepen the reader's connectivity to the story and make sense of the pov switching, as it may offer insights to readers that other characters may not have.
Regardless, I can see that you have some great ideas for the story's direction. Just focus on improving the storytelling aspects to bring those ideas to life even more effectively.
CHARACTERS:
The backstory of Mohini is well-thought-out, setting a strong foundation for her love story with Rudra. The contrasting portrayal of Mohini to the myths surrounding her is an intriguing angle that adds depth to her character. The idea that she could have been only a child is another compelling perspective, especially given the world-altering actions she made. Overall, Mohini has a solid foundation to build upon.
Rudra's capabilities as a fire sorcerer are effectively conveyed through his trial success; however, I felt those scenes have room for more sensory descriptions and showcasing of his struggles. Doing so would make his victories feel more relatable and help readers connect with him on a deeper level. Rudra's different perspective on Mohini showcased his empathetic side, which added a facet to his character. Similarly, having Garima and Kunal step in to help him after he was drugged not only emphasized his vulnerability but also illustrated the importance of support. Rudra also has a good foundation to build upon, especially being a fire sorcerer he's naturally expected to be ruthless, but he reveals a more compassionate side. This duality adds depth to his characterization and opens up possibilities for growth and development.
Garima and Kunal have room for development as supporting characters. They currently come across as static and flat. Consider giving them a background and at least one personal goal that goes beyond just helping Rudra. This will not only make their characters more dynamic but also add dimension to the overall story.
You specifically asked for feedback on the romantic scenes; however, the first five chapters don't contain any romantic moments except Rudra's initial attraction to Mohini. I see that it's not a "love at first sight" scenario, which I appreciated. But the initial attraction can be explored further—what exactly is attracting Rudra to Mohini and vice versa? This will set a foundation for future romantic developments in the story.
WORLD-BUILDING:
The concept of a world divided into four sectors, each with its own unique lifestyle and power, is appealing. However, there's a lack of setting descriptions that could effectively illustrate these differences to the readers. For example, the journey to the Raksha Sect is a missed opportunity to elaborate the world-building; currently, the descriptions feel too generic and don't fully capture the landscape and lifestyle that set it apart from Rudra's Kanak Sect and the Garuda Sect.
As previously mentioned, the backstory of the war is well-done. Kudos!
WRITING:
The writing has room for improvement in two areas: descriptions and grammar. (I'll discuss the latter under Grammatical Improvements.)
It's important to balance the common rule of show, don't tell. For example, rather than directly stating emotions or the atmosphere, consider describing actions, reactions, and sensory details, such as instead of saying the Rakshasas sounded "disgusting and funny," it'll be more engaging if you described the nature of their laughter. Similarly, when mentioning the blue flame, elaborate on its appearance and sensation—maybe it crackles with energy or casts a brilliant glow—for better immersive imagery. Giving specificity to the descriptions will improve the overall immersion of the story. Also, clearly describing movements, such as how the sword swings and how characters evade attacks, will improve the clarity of action scenes for visualization and engagement.
The choice of words and phrasing at some places could have better clarity and precision. For example, in the phrase "...memories dropped in my eyes..." the usage of dropped may not be the fitting word to convey the intended sense of surprise as memories aren't usually something we think of as dropping. Similarly, there's a lack of clarity in "When I tried to search any other clue that might have left my eye, a sudden sweet sound diverted my attention."—it might lead the reader to think of hearing a voice or melody instead of discovering an anklet in the mud. There's also a tendency to use filters, such as "making a smirk appear," when a more straightforward approach, like "smirked," would be equally effective without redundancy.
The dialogues serve to advance the plot forward—kudos!—however, I noticed you occasionally avoid the dialogue in favor of narration when the back-and-forth exchange between characters could be more engaging and less of an info dump. For example, Gurudev's narration of the war would have been more engaging in dialogue format.
Overall, the writing has a straightforward narrative and a solid foundation. It's only a matter of enhancement with more descriptive language and emotional depth, which would lead to a more dynamic pacing.
GRAMMATICAL IMPROVEMENTS:
The grammar in the book is its weakest point. There are issues concerning traditional grammar mistakes like subject-verb agreement, the incorrect forms of irregular verbs (like "putted," "setted," "letted," "layed," etc.), article misuse, and punctuation mistakes, with some leading to run-on sentences. Additionally, there are spelling errors, some verb form errors, and tense inconsistencies.
I understand that English may not be your first language, but that's perfectly okay. As an ESL writer, I'm familiar with the challenges. Just keep practicing! If you need help, consider looking for editing services available on Wattpad—Esthetique Community also offers editing services—who can help with general cleanup before you post your work.
ENJOYMENT QUOTIENT:
Although the writing may seem superficial at times, there's a basic narrative structure and intriguing concepts that enhance the overall enjoyment of the story. Adding more detailed descriptions that explore the characters' feelings, thoughts, and the setting will further transform the story, making it even more engaging for readers.
BOTTOMLINE:
You have a wonderful inspiration and concept at your disposal. Don't let the language issues get in the way of your storytelling—just keep writing! Fans of Indian literature and tropes such as star-crossed lovers and the chosen one will surely enjoy this romantasy.
