The Highschools Detective by catsmith99
Reviewer : CrownedMadness
SUMMARY:
Michael Beverly, Jolia's younger brother, graduates college at 16 and becomes a police officer at 17. He later works as a high school security guard, facing challenges that test his strength and determination.
PLOT:
The blurb is supposed to be the sales pitch of your book. While you have an introduction to the characters and setting, the primary conflict or stakes involved remain unclear and ambiguous. Moreover, the book is classified as Romance, but it's not reflected in the blurb. After reading the book, the plot still appears confusing. It seems to be a love story between Michael and Maia. However, it's unclear what challenges tested Michael's strength as mentioned in the blurb. There is said to be a theme of crime, but there is no related content apart from Michael's role as a detective/security guard. The pacing needs improvement; while I realize it's episodic, there is a sense of skipped progression, causing the story to unfold too rapidly. Nonetheless, it is evident that the book is intended to be comedic rather than realistic, and the delivery appears to align with the style of anime, potentially appealing to fans of the genre.
CHARACTERS:
The portrayal of the characters lacks depth, and at times, their voices lack individuality. Given the comedic nature of the work, the characters can be exaggerated to create humor, and assigning distinctive physical and emotional traits to each character will help differentiate them and establish their personalities. Michael's role as a detective/security guard in the high school presents an excellent opportunity to develop his character, and the unconventional nature of his position adds an intriguing element to the story.
WORLD-BUILDING:
For the screenplay to effectively visually communicate, detailed scene descriptions are essential. It should provide setting descriptions and communicate what's heard and seen. Adding specificity and using sensory descriptions will enhance the vividness of the world and provide an immersive experience for the reader. Since the high school is the primary setting, its visual aspects could be explored further.
WRITING:
The freeze-frame character introduction featuring a title card is an intriguing element, almost reminiscent of Tarantino's films. The language usage and tone of the writing are simple and lighthearted, which works with the genre. However, the sentences could be more concise. For instance, the sentence "He grabs the PA microphone and presses the button which sounds the speaker to make a sound that grabs the student's attention" could be refined for better impact, for example: "He grabs the PA microphone, presses the button, and emits a sound that captures the attention of the students."
The paragraphs need organizing, particularly in managing the characters' dialogue. Borrowing Ray Bradbury's advice, think of each paragraph as a single camera shot—every time the shot changes, start a new paragraph.
GRAMMATICAL IMPROVEMENTS:
The tense shifts between present and past tenses in some places. There are also spelling mistakes, for example, "preform" instead of "perform," and "hands up" instead of "hangs up," as well as a change in the character's name from Maia to Maya. Additionally, the paragraph breaks hinder readability and need reviewing, as mentioned before.
TITLE:
There's a minor inconsistency causing confusion regarding the title, whether the title should be "The Highschools Detective" or "The HighSchool Detective" as in the blurb. If the former is the intended title, an apostrophe is missing before the "s," considering the story happens at one high school. The title is interesting, as it could be interpreted as referring to a detective who is of high school age ("The High School Detective") or as a detective working within a high school setting ("The High School's Detective"). Notwithstanding the ambiguity, the title has a comical undertone that resonates with the overall nature of the book.
BOOK COVER:
The character art featured on the book cover is the central focus. However, the background could be adjusted to better complement the focal character. Consider altering the placement and size of the title text for improved composition. The overall composition of the cover could benefit from adjustments to enhance its impact. Nevertheless, the color palette effectively conveys the lighthearted tone of the book.
ENJOYMENT QUOTIENT:
There were moments of effective humor, such as the Temu scene, and the prank concept is amusing, but there is room for tweaking and enhancing that sequence. Most, if not every, scene in a screenplay needs a reason to exist. From this perspective, many moments felt more like filler content rather than advancing the main plot (which I still struggle to grasp). However, for readers seeking light entertainment, it may be deemed enjoyable.
BOTTOMLINE:
In a TV show, each episode serves as a piece of the overall puzzle. I realize The High School Detective is the first of multiple seasons. It's important to understand the arc of this season. Dialogues play a prominent role in teleplay; it's crucial to make each character's dialogue unique to them and, for that, to delve into characterization. This show has the potential to be a fun drama that appeals to fans of anime and adult cartoons. Good luck!
