Aks-e-Rashta by hikariwrites019
Reviewer : AakritiPathak
FIRST IMPRESSION:
Cover of the story is beautiful, so is the title. It's poetically appealing.
The blurb can be tweaked slightly. Main characters are introduced, future events are hinted at, and the past is also alluded to. Representation could be better. Grammar and punctuation is messy, it can be looked upon. The plot question and point of blockage seems missing. Adding a glimpse of any specific event which will serve as the major turning point in the story. It can be a new character that tries to break this story of Hailey and Jack, or society, their parents, past, anything. Do not reveal everything but add pointers to increase the curiosity.
OPENING:
Let's take chapter 1-4 as the beginning chapters, since they are really short in wordcount and could easily be called one chapter if combined.
For any story to leave a long lasting impression, it's important to hook the reader's interest within the first chapter itself – one should feel excited, anxious, with all of their own theories to know what could possibly happen in upcoming chapters. Adding a strong character voice, narrative style, and revealing the right of information and plot conflict are crucial to make the opening strong. This factor is lacking in this story.
Hailey appears to be a strong character, she has evidently seen and been through much, then bounced back and became the boss lady. These characteristics make her an admirable character. However, her voice is unclear and almost bland. Even if the character is presenting a monologue, the structure of sentences must not be extremely informal. Breaking the fourth wall kills the connection between character and the reader. To clarify, using 'you' at places is not recommended here. Instead of making the character talk to the audience, simply strengthen the narration.
For instance:
"Mee,a 25 years old business woman.yes you heard it right. I know it will not be a big deal until you knew I owned the biggest diamond store in Qatar "hale diamonds".yes it is a very strange name but name has stories. Here goes mine."
Firstly, there is much telling instead of showing. Rather than speaking all about herself, Hailey can show bit by bit who she is, what she owns, and how she is one of the most successful women in Qatar at present date. This will be inspiring and interesting to read. In the current format, the intrigue seems dull. Secondly, frequent grammatical mistakes are hindering the reading flow. Proper placement of punctuation marks, paying attention to capital and small letters is equally important.
Take it this way now:
"People usually do not make that big of a deal when they get to know me – a 25 years old business woman – until they realize I own the biggest Diamond store in Qatar, the "Hale Diamonds". Pretty strange name, but as they say every name contains a story, so does mine!
It goes back to the days where my father, Robert Roosevelt,..."
Within the first paragraph, the sense of security, confidence, and success lead the reader straight to continue the story. I appreciate how the writer has added the right amount of information about Hailey's life in the first four chapters. Right structuring and thorough editing will make it a good read. Additionally, try merging the chapters, such short chapters of merely three-four paragraphs are not really ideal for a book.
PLOT & CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT:
First and foremost, a character describing their own supposedly "attractive" physical features is really not the right way to take a story forward. Addition to it, again, showing is more important than info-dumping.
Chapter 6, the introduction of Jack – this chapter is all about Jack straight up telling who he is and what he looks like. Adding information is okay, necessary, but the key point is 'how you add the information', it should be interesting, not monotonous. In place of telling, create a scene where Jack is sitting by a window, in his office, or in his car, even taking a walk, anywhere, and he recalls how he wanted to be a psychologist but under pressure he opted for the Lawyer field. He can talk about how it feels to not be strong and bold enough to stand up for his liking in front of his father. He can show the surroundings around himself, how people are, the culture, lifestyle. This way the readers will also get a glimpse of the setting. It's not advisable to add Hailey's name here, given that Jack hasn't even met her yet. His physical descriptions should be given by Hailey, whenever they come across each other. The more you write realistic scenes, the better the reading value.
Plot development is good here, we are slowly getting to know Hailey and about her university, about Jack, their possible attraction. Expanding the chapters will surely add to the interest. Alongside the story, it's important to visualize the surroundings. Add descriptions of the places, homes, people around, and of actions. When Jack mentioned Hailey motioned him to lean down and said it's about her father... The whole sequence can be described, and facial expressions, body language can be added to make it look more proper.
As for character development, I can't see any clear ambition in either of the characters. What are they looking forward to? What do they want? Their strength, weaknesses. Characters need to progress gradually. This can be set right by making the characters feel more natural and relatable. On one hand Jack can't act upon his interest of taking Psychology, he is instead buried under his father's wish to study law. There is nothing wrong in showing him like this, since many cases are out there where kids are under pressure to follow what their parents want. But at the same time, Jack then cannot be described as a sadistic, dominating person. Adding to the point that he can't seem to express his emotions properly. If he smirked before standing up to face Hailey in her home, why suddenly is his tone loud and angry? Smirking is a sign of teasing, loud voice is a sign of anger. Jack can't naturally show both at the same time. Making characters more natural is key. So is adding their goal, goal stopping scenario which stands in their way.
I would, again, suggest the writer expand the chapters. They are extremely short and feel like casual instagram captions rather than a fiction book. Merge chapters, expand, describe setting and make characters more relatable – some pointers that will surely help. One more suggestion would be to read other books in the romance genre. I've noticed the writer is aiming for wattys. It'd be suggested to check previous years wattys winning stories in romance category. Not to copy the same pattern, but to see what makes up a good book with potential to grab reads and awards!
STYLE & GRAMMAR:
This is an area that needs much of the thorough editing.
Tense slips are happening throughout the story. At one moment, the characters are shown in past tense, and in present tense the next moment. It would be nice to stick to only one tense form. Usage of social media language is not for books. Adding "lol" or "bro 😭", etc absolutely kills the aura of a story. Stay comfortable, but not extremely informal.
Spelling mistakes are also to be looked at. "Brutle" is not the right word here, it's "brutal". "Emediately" is again wrong, it should be "immediately". "Shaked hands" is wrong to this context, it should be "shook hands". We don't use verb's third form with 'didn't'. Instead of "didn't knew", the correct form is "didn't know". Not "didn't told", but "didn't tell" is right. There are more such errors which an editor can help the writer with.
As for the style, the story talks about Qatar, it's a beautiful place. Try to infuse the details and descriptions of the place and normal street life from Hailey or Jack's eyes at some point. Too much of it would ruin the quality, but so will the lack of it.
Polishing the story is important and an editor would be of great help.
OVERALL:
After reading 20 chapters, the major issue that I've found is writing style, grammar, and presentation. The plot idea is good. Hailey and Jack, both, have potential to be memorable characters, if shown well. Hailey has a backstory, Jack is an ambiguous lead. Both together may lead to a hooking story. All that the writer needs to focus on is how they present the plot to the readers. Good luck!
