The long Wait by shytabby
Reviewer : CrownedMadness
SUMMARY:
Shelley hasn't heard from Ben in a year. She is uncertain about waiting for him or moving on. However, Ben finally returns to the town. What will happen next?
PLOT:
It's important to have a compelling blurb, and I think yours needs to be more focused. While the opening is intriguing and hints at unresolved conflict between Shelley and Ben, the blurb is very general in its entirety. For example, you can add specific details about the setting or unique plot elements to make it more attention-grabbing. I'd also suggest avoiding too many rhetorical questions in the blurb. While questions can create intrigue, an excessive amount weakens the impact of the blurb. Instead, I'd suggest clearly describing the central conflict, the emotional stakes and the sense of the characters' individuality.
Coming to the plot, it has the elements of a compelling romance novel. The unresolved tension between Ben and Shelley, the mystery behind Ben's disappearance, and the possibility of a reunion all create a sense of anticipation and drama. The question of whether Shelley will be receptive to Ben and how Ben will win back her love will be interesting to watch. Overall, while it's a simple concept, it sets the stage for an emotional and complicated romance.
However, the execution of the plot fell a bit short in terms of depth and emotion. (I will comment further on this under the Characters and Writing sections.)
CHARACTERS:
The characters feel hollow currently, but that's not to say they don't have a personality. However, there's a lack of depth, which makes it difficult to connect with them emotionally, which is especially important in a story that relies on evoking strong emotions. Developing their individuality, hopes, fears, and motivations will enhance the readers' investment in the characters' journeys. Especially in the case of Shelley and Ben, there's a need to explore the internal conflicts, which seem to be the primary plotline. I feel that you could also explore the "long wait," what Shelley went through emotionally and otherwise in that period, and similarly, Ben's thoughts when he left her behind, including his reasons and internal/external struggles, which I barely saw portrayed in the pages. Also, now that Ben is back, what's Shelley's mental state, the conflicting emotions she's experiencing, and how the reality and good memories battle against each other. For example, you scratched the surface when you showed her moody outbursts, but you can go deeper. Exploring these aspects will enhance the characters' depth and the novel's emotional resonance.
Having said all that, the character dynamics are well done and promising. For example, there's potential in Blackson and Ben's friendship, Matthew and Ben's brotherly bond, and the intriguing ambiguity in Shelley and David's relationship in the initial chapters creates tension in the plot. However, again, to add more depth to their relationships and enhance the reader's appreciation, more meaningful and nuanced scenes will be helpful.
For example, the scene where Matthew slips his son's name as Benedict could have been a touching moment if Ben's reaction was further explored. Similarly, you could develop the ambiguity between Shelley and David further by exploring David's reactions to Ben's return, adding to the reader's confusion as well as Ben's.
I liked how you made room for lighthearted and humorous moments between the characters, which were nicely done and added a delightful layer to the narrative. I see a potential for a rom-com if that's a direction you'd like to pursue.
WORLD-BUILDING:
The setting descriptions are missing to visualize the scene and the world. However, Florida was mentioned, so I'm assuming the story unfolds within the USA.
A brief introduction to the surroundings would help ground the characters and picture a clearer world. For example, whether it's a small town with its own charm or a specific backdrop for a scene, including these details helps give a sense of place. It also helps to avoid the characters appearing out of nowhere and causing disorientation. For example, in Chapter 1, when Ben returns, it's unclear where he is (and who he is talking to), and then suddenly, David and Shelley appear in a parking lot. Adding more context to the setting (and smoother transitions between scenes) will improve the reading experience.
WRITING:
The story doesn't wait around. Chapter 1 introduces Ben's return and an immediate clash between Shelley and Ben, which is a good plotting that immediately engages the reader. However, from the beginning, the technicalities stood in the way of enjoyment.
I was confused when the first-person narration switched to third-person, and this fluctuation continued throughout, with some instances of head-hopping as well. I suggest choosing the best narrative perspective that fits your story and sticking to it. For example, for intimacy, first-person POV is a strong choice, and you can either choose a single character as the narrator or use alternating character perspectives between chapters but avoid switching within scenes. On the other hand, third-person POV allows for a wider scope, and using third-person limited can still create a sense of intimacy. If you need an even wider scope, third-person omniscient is suitable, but it needs a strong narrator voice and a clear understanding of switching perspectives.
The writing is currently dialogue-forward. So, adding sensory details to the existing descriptions, focusing on setting descriptions, and exploring emotional descriptions further will enhance the overall quality of the writing. While the dialogues are well done and conversational for the most part, sometimes they come across as forced and more for delivering information, which is avoidable when right descriptions are added as well. I'd also suggest being mindful of how dialogue is separated. Make sure that different characters' actions are appropriately grouped and avoid unnecessary paragraph breaks within a single character's dialogue, as this confuses the reader.
Regardless, the tone of your writing carries a sense of tension and intrigue while using simple vocabulary that is easy to grasp. Kudos on that!
GRAMMATICAL IMPROVEMENTS:
The only thing you need to be mindful of is tense shifts. I caught a couple of back-and-forth fluctuations from the past tense to the present tense. Also, as mentioned before, be sure to pay attention to paragraph breaks, especially around dialogues. Other than that, I didn't notice anything detracting from the reading experience.
TITLE:
The Long Wait immediately evokes a sense of melancholy and longing, which sets the book's tone. There's also a suggestion of an emotional journey, which aligns with the plotline. Overall, a befitting title.
BOOK COVER:
The color choice gives a romantic and melancholic mood, which wonderfully compliments the book. The overall composition is decent, but the subtitle placement is distracting, and the text is hard to read, too. I'd also suggest using a model that rightfully represents your character, especially since Shelley is a person of color.
ENJOYMENT QUOTIENT:
I've made several suggestions for improvements, but I want to clarify that the enjoyment quotient isn't nonexistent. I did enjoy certain aspects of the story. For example, I found the lighthearted moments particularly enjoyable. I got a giggle out of the scene where David steals the cake slice and the interaction between Matthew and Ben. I also empathized with Ben's predicament a little.
Addressing the suggestions and issues I've raised will enhance the overall quality of the story and elevate its emotional impact, and therefore the enjoyment.
BOTTOMLINE:
Once the book is polished, even a brush up on the basic technicalities, I think this will resonate with readers and fans of second-chance romance. The slight sprinkle of humor has a charm, too. Keep writing!
