Reach out for me - TNN Story

Chapter 36 - A lost Soul

A/N - This may be a bit all over the place at the moment but this chapter will probably be mostly Maeve's POV . Sorry it's taken so long to do this but I've been trying to get different perspectives and peoples versions of grief and how to cope with it.
And it may be quite short as well
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A Couple of Days later

Maeve's POV:
It was a couple of days since...I don't know if I could even try to voice how much it hurt me.

I was told that Mabel would have been fine.., she would be completely healthy and we were told she would grow up so happily. Bullshit.. I thought to myself as I pulled myself out of bed trying not to wake Mia and Charlotte. Over the past few days to even try and cope with this sufferable pain, I've been sitting in the kitchen or I've been hauled up next to my piano and violin. But I haven't been able to sleep at all with I've had to sign, there's been so many things I've had to deal with and it's just been draining my insides to pieces. I don't know how much more I can cope.

So tonight I took myself across the hallway and past the railing, I shine my phone light across the door to make sure it's the right one. "Mabel's Room" I spoke aloud to myself as I opened the door slowly, the pang of lavender softly hit my nose as I walked further into her room engulfing my living soul. My soul lives but her souls dies... I've lost apart of my soul. I close the door and step in further, looking around the room that hasn't seen a life at all.

"Oh my sweet Mabel...." I pick up a blanket we had bought her embroidered with her name on it, "I'm so sorry that I failed you...I know your brother Elias will look after you. I feel so lost without you..it's like I'm dying without you" I softly mumble and cradle the blanket into the nook of my neck and inhale the sweet smell of the lingering scent. "I love you Mabel.." I let go.

I then look at the box of scans and sit myself in the middle of the room, encased in pillows and I took myself to look at the scans. Ever since I found out I was pregnant... I can't deny that there was no doubt because I was scared of the potential of Mabel ending up like Nick... but there was hope in my soul that Mabel would end up like me.. and be happy.

There were moments where I thought there was no way I could even do this, but with my chosen family and love they reminded me of all the reasons why I could still do this and Autumn was a big help as well. With the constant messages from parents and the unruly ones from my parents I found myself slipping now and again. But they were my rock... they helped me.

But how would I be able to get help about my pain? I held my dead daughter still in my hands and she wasn't warm.., she was cold and lost.

So I played my lullabies I made for Mabel... them filling the room as I cried quietly never wanting to disturb Mia and Charlotte from their sleep, just because I can't sleep why should they not either? Something that constantly rattled my head and it hurt me seeing them like it.

I was so overwhelmed with the void now agape in my heart, static ringing in my ears with the faint sound of her heartbeat underneath it, that I never
heard Mia and Charlotte walk into the room. Slowly they placed their bodies next to me and the wave of static and Vulnerability succumb to me and shot me in the chest, my body wobbled and danced as I crashed into their arms bursting into sobs, "Why me...Why us..." I cried and their arms engulfed me into a warm and safe hug.

"I know sweetheart... I know but she's in a safer place...." Mia rubbed my back and held me. I mean she was right.. I would be probably a bad mother as it is, so it saved her from living with me but I hurt so much. But that's when a pain rushed up my spine making me grimace as I cried.., the same pains I felt with Mabel. Oh it hurt but there was never a point to make it stop.

We went to bed..., after they assured me that all would be okay.. as we walked into the bedroom the attached cot stood still in there next to the bed. My chest grew as I looked at it, catching their attention, "I'll move it down now okay? Get comfortable with Lottie and I'll get you some tea" Mia smiles and moves the cot out and into Mabel's bedroom. "I know it's scary baby but we're always going to be here for you. No matter what" Charlotte smiles and wraps an arm around me securely, I let myself sink into her arms. There were no words passed between the three of us and my head was pounding, it was drowning me on the inside to feel this pain, "Everywhere I look... I see things that I wanted her to experience.. those teddies... the blankets but she didn't.. she couldn't experience it.." I sniffle and curl closer to Mia my eyes becoming red and bloodshot as I cry. "I-I don't know how much I can take of it..." I cry and their arms surround me, "We'll figure it baby.. we will.." they say.

After hours of thinking my mind winds and curdles at the thought of being at home, when the piece of my home never will feel right again.

"...I want to go back to work.. tomorrow.." I mutter as I zone to the ceiling, "work? I mean are you sure.. we haven't..." "I-I can't deal with the thought of being home when she isn't here...it's drowning me.. I feel home with you but.. I can't look at all this... without feeling pain..and anger.." I mumble again gesturing to outside and all around our room.

"..You can go to work tomorrow then.. but we're allowed to keep eyes on you..." Mia looks into my eyes as she tilts my chin up, her eyes scanning mine as she debates speaking, "Do you want to tell them? They'll think you've had her.." Mia looks at me. "I can't...I can't be the one to tell them...please... can you.." I shiver at the thought of having to rehash announcing it all out.

"I'll go back to work...." I sigh drifting to sleep.