Ngh?!
I'm itching to write my stories. I have the ideas and plot scenarios in my head but I don't know how to write it!!!
Every time I reread my own stories I cringe but also love it. As the writer, I knew while reading what I wanted to create and imagine inside my head.
But it's so difficult to set aside that mindset and just read as a reader!!!
Especially when I read it and know my own shortcomings!
I'm terrible at character designs and pacing of settings!
And I have a habit of throwing out info bombs!!!
I get it. I don't have patience and was too eager and excited while writing. I just want to quickly share everything that goes inside my tiny little brain.
As cringe due to skill issue my stories are. They are my creation.
Even fanfics that just have add ons to the original and official works makes me sometimes read and forget "oh... this is my own story... there is no more chapters after this waiting to be published..."
And then I curse myself for being a lazy writer.
Honestly... my stories are basically discontinued by now and not on hiatus.
Because it doesn't seem like I'll continue any time soon QAQ
What keeps my passion for creating and not give up is my dreams.
I mean that literally.
I'm so full of drama and ideas, I weave dreams about it. But to put it into words as a story feels impossible.
I wish we are in the interstellar era so that I can hop into virtual reality and just create my dreams to show everyone my creation.
But I won't live to see that day come. We're still far.... Are we?
My info is outdated by years. Social media is dead to me.
Yes. It's possible to live like this while knowing nothing about the current happenings of the outside world for years.
I am very blessed and cursed.
All I do is read everyday.
...Fuck! I sound so...
I feel like I'm comparable to the ugly fat disgusting miserable loser guy that often show up at the beginning of an isekai!!!
I'm not that miserable but I feel like it's comparable!
It's just that I'm younger and live with my family!
So my home isn't as messy like a garbage dump full of take outs and alcohol.
Hold up....
I might end up like that if I was living alone.
Oh wow....
That's- QAQ
Don't think about it. It's just a possibility. I'm fine right now.
Hey! Look at me sounding like I have a future.
Honestly I don't think I have suicidal thoughts anymore. Maybe it's deeply suppressed by my current comfortable lifestyle.
I don't know.
What I talked about before that seems to sell misery and pain... I think it was fear.
Well there are other feelings mixed in as well but.
Maybe I fear living like a normal person will push me to want to die again. Or maybe I just want to have an excuse to not do anything and live like a blood sucking leech.
God... if that's true, I should really just die with no redemption.
I'm always like this. One moment I thought I figured it out then the next I think of the worst of myself.
I feel like I'm sending myself to the court of trial and there's a criminal record so I'm the most likely suspect to commit the same crime again.
I can't even trust myself.
Sometimes I feel so easy and gullible. I confess so quickly and honestly.
But there are times I kept to myself so stubbornly while wishing someone would just expose me.
It's not they are mind readers so how could they know what's going on inside me...
It's a foolish thought to have expected anything.
No. It was foolish to want something from anyone and anybody.
They're strangers. Not my personal nanny or family.
But I had once so desperately wanted to beg for someone... anyone to help me.
I wanted to put my own life into their hands.
To guide and direct me through life.
Because I didn't want to think. I was lost with no thoughts about the future or a goal.
I wanted to stay simple and ignorant of the world while consuming the types of entertainment I like and enjoy.
Well I somehow got here exactly like I wanted, but no one led me here.
I just selfishly decided on my own to give up.
I gave up and built this very tiny world in a corner. And that world is my current situation.
I'm too comfortable.
It makes me uneasy sometimes.
But I selfishly ignore it.
Because it's comfortable.
...but hey. That's why it's even more difficult to leave.
Knowing this is like a swamp or quicksand. I know I have to try and leave.
That's how the world works and life is.
It's like happiness and despair.
Although some live their whole life more happy than sad. No one can live while only being happy.
....Wait no. It's possible but like. You'd have to be either mentally or emotionally have a problem.
QAQ
Damn! My readings have harmed me with their cliches!!!
What happy and sad?!
I'm not a philosopher!!!
Who drilled all this nonsense into my brain and made me repeat those similar words like this?!
Ahhh!!! QAQ
Screw it. I'm leaving! Bye!
YOU ARE READING
Diary
De TodoI want to write out my thoughts as honestly as possible and try not to lie like I always do. Maybe by being anonymous will make me stop being a liar. I think it's a bit late to say this after publishing for about a month but I should put a warning. ...
