This morning I overheard my family being worried about the 7th month.
I was clueless as to why so I asked.
I don't know what's it called but apparently the day when the dead comes visit the living is happening soon.
Well I knew there was such a thing but I never thought about it much or knew when it happens. Now I'm trying to think has the seventh month ever had anything special happen to me.
And I can't remember. So I don't know.
Lately I thought of some knee stories to write but as always I'm not so confident. I have never finished writing a single story before. Fairy tales, maybe. But it's really disheartening.
Even more so with the recent purge and bloodshed of MTL CN Novels.
Oh and I read some manhua and manhwa lately that starts off with wise words.
I say wise but thinking deeper, they are a bit cringey since they're meant to fit with cliche plot.
Still. I read so many even though they are similar.
And it made me thought...
I'm a horrible person.
Don't just read what I wrote about myself. In fact, a very keen person would've noticed no matter how much I degrade myself and try to write honestly.
I'm missing repentance.
Maybe I didn't realize it when I wrote it. Or I did subconsciously and pretended not knowing.
The more I reflect on myself, the more I start to think.
How do I know myself?
And how do I even begin to understand myself?
I don't know.
Sometimes it hurts and feels agonizing when I wrote about myself before.
But was it the truth just because it was painful?
What if... I was trying to make myself pitiful?
Did I really acknowledge and accept my own wrongdoings? Or was it a confession for leniency.
Which goes in circle to how I'm a dishonest and terrible person. Whether I'm doing it consciously or not.
It always feels like I'm trying to play the victim.
In a way, isn't it scary?
I don't know.
I can be so indifferent and heartless sometimes that I could be...
But then sometimes I sympathize so much that I cry and feel heartache for characters.
Ah. I say characters since that's the most of where my emotion goes. Reality is just...
YOU ARE READING
Diary
De TodoI want to write out my thoughts as honestly as possible and try not to lie like I always do. Maybe by being anonymous will make me stop being a liar. I think it's a bit late to say this after publishing for about a month but I should put a warning. ...
