Led to Mr. Billionaire

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

I stared at the dove sign on the wall and sighed.

My heart was heavy and I felt like crying. I hadn't spoken a word in the thirty minutes that I came in, mostly because I didn't know what to say. I was full of words and thoughts, but I didn't know how to communicate them without bursting out in tears. I felt helpless, tired, and weak.

It has been three days since Yemi and I last spoke and I have been thinking and overthinking things he said. It was painful silence and I knew he was waiting for me to come to him.

But was I ready?

I was seated in the front row seat of the empty church and it reminded me of the first day I entered this place, filled with desperation, helplessness, and hopelessness.

It was like I was feeling those things again, and it made me wonder: Had I not grown from this? Was I still stuck where I was the first time?

I recalled all the things I had gone through to survive ever since I came to Lagos all those years ago, and even when I met Emeka at the market that rainy day. I wasn't whole, and I didn't know why. I felt like a piece of me was still trapped, somewhere I couldn't reach, and it was so frustrating.

"What is going on, Lord?" I started to say.

"Why do I feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel this pain, fear, and hurt that I can't seem to understand? My heart feels like it's about to explode, and my head hurts from all the thinking, so what exactly is the problem?" I huffed out as I tried to hold in my sob.

"I'm so damn tired of crying, of thinking, of feeling like this. I thought I was whole, that finally I had outgrown my past and the past failures and tortures, so what the heck is going on?"

You still hate them my subconscious stated.

"I do. I still hate those people for what they did to me. I hate my parents for abandoning me and selling me, I hate the bastard who called himself my husband for raping me, beating me and almost killing me, I hate Emeka for taking advantage of me, I hate madam for not siding with me but most of all, I hate myself for still thinking about this. Why couldn't I have simply died when I was born? Why did you make me come into this world, Lord, just to suffer all these things? What do you want from me?" I choked on a sob as I was full-on crying.

I was in pain. My heart was in pain.

"I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to have these constant fears anymore. I don't want to be scared or compared to anyone. What do I need to do to stop this? To grow from this?" I cried out my questions, and I placed my head in my hands and drew my knees to my chest.

I felt like a child. But I also felt wrong.

Forgive. You need to forgive. A clear, soft voice said, And I knew it was God.

"I need to forgive them? Could I? Am I capable of forgiving them? Do they deserve it?" I relayed my question.

They don't, but you must forgive them because I already have. The voice said.

"How can you forgive them, Lord? It's not just me, but many other children have fallen prey to these evil people. Why would you expect me to forgive?" I cried out because it was too painful to acknowledge.

I could forgive them, could I?

You forgive because vengeance is mine, and I will surely repay. The voice whispered.

I knew that scripture, but always avoided it like a plague. It talked about men forgiving those who have wronged them and even doing good to them, so they could rest on the fact that God would punish them on their behalf.

I gave a wobbly, defeated sigh as I closed my eyes and kept quiet for a few minutes.

Could I find it in me to forgive? Just to let everything go?

My thoughts strayed to Yemi. The only man who had helped me overcome my fears other than Pastor Ayo. The man who loved me despite my flaws, the man who wanted the best for me, and the best out of me. The man who was willing to let England wait, just so I could be prepared. The man who helped me in my academics and my internship. The man who challenges me spiritually and emotionally.

I love Yemi so damn much. I wanted to be who he could be proud to introduce, just like he did in the office. I want to be a woman worthy of him, just like I am worth it to God. I want to be a helpmate, a woman he can trust. But for that to happen, I have to let my past go and look towards my future with him and my daughter.

Grace. The child who gave me a reason to live. My daughter has made me who I am.

I sighed deeply, tears staining my chocolate skin. I want to be the best mother. A mother who doesn't allow the little things to get ahead of her. Who doesn't back down in the face of insecurity and pain? I want to be a good mother.

You have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. Forgive. The voice of God was so clear and commanding that I made my decision.

"I forgive." I stuttered.

"I forgive my parents for not loving me and selling me. I forgive the man who raped me because he gave me my daughter. I forgive Emeka because I became stronger. I forgive Madam because I became smarter, and I forgive myself because I am worthy of love, care, and peace. Lord, please help me forgive, so I can move on, please." I said before, crying out softly.

Peace, I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world gives, give I unto you. Let your heart not be troubled, nor let it be afraid. The voice whispered. Then silence. Not a doting silence but a peaceful silence.

I knew I had made my decision and I was going to stick to it. I wouldn't let anything get in the way of my joy and peace. I wouldn't let anything get in the way of my love for Yemi. I was strong, loved, and cared for. I knew it would not be easy to let go, heck it would be painful but I was willing to try.

With this newfound realization, I cried out softly. Not in pain, this time, but in relief.

"Dara. It's time to go," Pastor Ayo's voice made me lift my head to the man who had been my dad and allowed me a family in his.

"Thank you so much, sir. I appreciate all you have done for me." I said out softly even though I knew my face was tear-stricken.

The old man saw my face and his eyes immediately softened. He moved to my side and gave me a side hug all the while patting my back.

"It will all be fine, Dara," he whispered, and for once, I believed him.

Everything will be fine!