Misprinted Lies (Alice in Chains/Bruno Mars)

Our Demons

"Layne, it's very common for kids who lose a parent to become lethargic for a while, even when they're really young," her pediatrician told me.

"I know, I know," I replied.

I knew going there was a mistake. It was all me, then; I was the problem.

I didn't go into the room with Lily, just waited outside while she got examined. The pediatrician came out once she was finished.

"Layne we're going to have to do some tests."

I was completely baffled. I thought coming here was a little crazy to begin with but now it was getting serious.

The whole day was spent doing abdominal x-rays and blood and urine tests. It was way too much for a little girl. Something was definitely wrong. Otherwise they wouldn't have put her through all that shit. By the end of the day, the chaos was over. There was a diagnosis.

"Come on," I said into the phone in the hallway. At an instant I was emotional, and to my surprise, crying. "Pick up Jerry."

"Hello?"

"Jerry, it's Layne. I uh...Lily has Crohn's Disease," I said, with a quiet voice of defeat.

"I'll be right there."

We met with a gastroenterologist that same day. I sat on one side of his desk with Lily in my lap. She was very drained and exhausted; they poked and prodded her like an animal the entire afternoon. I looked on his desk and the name plate read Dr. Chase. He ensured me that Lily would be in good hands and that he was experienced; he had many plaques on the wall, displaying his achievements. The plaques didn't make me feel any better. She had a painful and incurable disease.

I could tell she was nervous meeting Dr. Chase, and being in this new environment with nothing but white walls and the smell of hand sanitizer. She squeezed my hand very hard and I returned it. I was scared too. It was good to know that she needed me and that it wasn't my fault she wasn't eating anything.

There was a knock on the door. I opened it, already knowing it was Jerry. He pulled a chair beside me. He smiled at her but she couldn't find the strength to smile back. She leaned her head even deeper into my chest and held her stomach. She began crying, giving me a lump in my throat. I took my other hand and placed it over hers, kissing the top of her head. She stood up on my legs and turned around, clinging onto my neck. It was the first time she had ever really shown me affection. I needed to start acting more like a dad and less like a father. I held Lily tightly in my arms; she felt so tiny.

"Well," Dr. Chase said, "she's a little young for the usual drugs for Crohn's Disease. Children this young usually don't get Crohn's. She'll probably have to wait until next year for any treatment."

I held her a little tighter.

We left and went home to my place. It felt like we were at the hospital for days. I put Lily to bed and came back downstairs. Jerry hadn't left yet.

"See Layne, I told you you'd get the hang of it."

"How is any of this better? How is this me getting the hang of it."

"Well," he said, lighting up a cigarette. "She's definitely warming up to you, and I can tell you are too. Plus, in a little while she'll be on drugs for Crohn's and you guys will practically be twins."

That pissed me off but I no energy to fight him on it.

"I'm gonna get clean...I'm really gonna do it this time. I'm doin' it for her."

Jerry placed a hand on my shoulder. "If you ever need time, I'll take her for a bit."

I didn't know why he was even offering. He was down in a hole just as much as I was. Just because he wasn't using as hard or as much didn't mean he didn't need help too. No one understood that. People only badgered me because I was the frontman. He was treating me like a child but I wasn't ready to start anything after the day we had.

"I'm putting my life on hold because of this shit. Hell, we should be touring and playing music, not surrendering to anything. I just want to make music. I'm not dyin'. I'm not what those stupid magazines say I am."

"I know Layne. I know. I hear ya man, I hear ya," he said.

Toward the end of summer, me and the Alice guys started writing and recording for our next record. Courtney took Lily for the last bit of her tour, which was convenient, because I could shoot up without sneaking out or leaving her with Jerry. It also gave me more time with Demri, the love of my life. 

Even though it was nice not having extra responsibility, I did miss her a lot.

During the holidays, Lily stayed with Courtney. I did stop by though, on her birthday, and then again on Christmas. She was playing by herself on the floor of the living room, while Courtney talked to her friends in the kitchen. She didn't have much to say. I wanted to know if we should still put Lily on medication. I wanted to know if Lily was still in pain, but Courtney was particularly quiet about the subject. It bothered the hell out of me.

I crouched down and tapped Lily on the shoulder. She jolted and looked behind.

"Sorry, sweetie. Didn't mean to scare ya. Happy Birthday!"

She quickly got up and jumped into my arms, almost knocking me over because I was so skinny. "Thank you," she muttered in the cutest little voice.

 I'd really screwed myself up those past couple of months, letting my body just waste away. I let Jerry watch her periodically. I was so fucking sick and I couldn't handle taking care of a sick kid, or even myself.

Lily would get better. I was a different story. I was staring death in the eyes. Lily could still turn around. Soon, her pain would end. I'd been so sure her pain would end. My demons already had their grip on me.