Misprinted Lies (Alice in Chains/Bruno Mars)

Intervention

Even being away from home and in Hawaii, I still found ways to shoot up, but I found a way to rationalize it. Lily had the time of her life. She loved it there because she knew that Courtney couldn't hurt her and I could make sure that her stomach medications were under control. My drug use wasn't the problem for her, staying in Seattle was.

A few weeks after we returned back home, those assholes tricked me. I should have known. Jerry had Lily for an extra long amount of time. I walked into a room filled with people, "family" and "friends." This wasn't the first time they attempted an intervention. The majority of usual members were in attendance.

"Where's Sean?" I asked.

"He had an emergency with his sister," they told me.

It was a weird excuse, but I let it go. Jerry handed me a book. It was laminated with her drawings on it. The pages were hole punched and held together by string. The title alone brought tears to my eyes. It was a good thing that it was laminated. 

"I told Lily that she couldn't come to the meeting, so she wanted to make it for you. It was all her idea," Jerry said. 

I flipped through it briefly. It was the sweetest thing in the world. No one had ever done something like it for me before.

Everyone remained silent until we all heard footsteps and then voices. It wasn't just any voice. It was my baby.

"But where...we...but where...where...where are we going?" she asked.

Everyone in the room smiled at me, awaiting my expression. I didn't feel quite as happy. Her anxiety was high and no one else seemed to notice. Holding Sean's hand, Lily's eyes traveled across the room of eyes staring at her. Everyone was family, but she still occasionally got nervous around groups of people.

"Who's that guy?" Sean asked smiled at her, pointing at me.

Lily gasped before her lips quivered. I smiled at her, holding my hands out and leaning forward in my chair.

"Who's that?" Sean whispered again, rubbing her back.

"It's my...D-d-d...it's my Daddy," she smirked shyly.

"You can go give him a hug if you want."

Very slowly, Lily approached me. I helped her up into my lap.

"Are you okay?" I asked her as she clung to my neck.

"I missed...I...missed...really...I...I...missed...I really missed you."

After that, I blocked out everyone else in the room.

"You made this?" I asked, feeling the edges of the paper.

"Can I...I...I I read it to you?" She pleaded with hopeful eyes.

"Of course."

Lily started with the title of the book. She relaxed a lot once she settled deep into my chest. Her reading came with ease once her breaths did. 

"Five...re-re-reasons why I...love my Daddy."

It almost made me cry, listening to her try so hard to read. Under the title was a picture she'd drawn of the two of us. Under the drawing, Lily held and moved her finger as she continued to read.

"Love, Lily."

Lily looked up to me after reading her name with so much pride on her face.

"Perfect. You read so good."

"I practice sooooo much with Uncle Jerry."

"I love this book, Lily...I really love it...and I really love you."

"Can I come...can I home...go home with you?"

I looked around at everyone's faces around the room. Their eyes were wide.

"Oh...Lily we have to see..."

"Oh," she said quietly. "Okay."

"Lily," Sean said from the door. "Come with me okay?"

Lily squeezed my hand and looked at a room of nodding heads. Then she looked up at me.

"But..." she stuttered, looking directly into my eyes.

"Go ahead, sweetie," I said as I gave her a hug. She gave me a kiss and the most comforting hug I could ever ask for.

"I love you, Daddy."

"I love you too, Lil."

Lily let go of my hand and Sean took her away. I looked down at the book in my lap. The room remained silent as I flipped through it.

"Layne," Jerry said. "You're not a bad guy...and you're a great dad...she wouldn't have made that book if you weren't. We miss the guy in that book, the guy that Lily still sees."

"She's the...the best..."

"It helps me to be around her...don't take her away. I need...I need her."

"Layne," Jerry said. "I'll take care of her and she'll be fine. You need treatment, bud...and when you get the treatment...then it'll be better for the both of you. You want her to be happy, right? So you need to go to treatment."

It was true. I did need treatment, but what people didn't understand was what I started experimenting with drugs since I was a teenager. Very early on, I began ruining what could have been an amazing life. I grew up in a nice neighborhood and my family wasn't all that bad. I'd been shooting up for so many years. It was a lot for me to just...stop.

Jerry was a better caretaker for her at that moment. He wasn't perfect, but just better. She turned into my caretaker in the later years, which makes me feel forever guilty. I eventually agreed to go to treatment, and it would last for sixty days. 

Lily became very upset when I explained the situation to her on the phone. We'd told her that I was going away to get better, but I couldn't handle rehab, so I left.

"But you said...you said when you go away and you come...you come back...you said...you..."

"Honey I know but things are different now."

"You said...you promised...you said that...you...you..." she stuttered.

"Don't cry...come on."

"You...you...you...you..." she sobbed.

"Lily are you having a panic attack? Come on...do some breathing with me."

"You don't...you...don't...you..you...don't care."

"Lily that's not true..."

"Bye."

"No Lil...Lily no...don't..."

The phone clicked and buzzed. Slamming the phone I burst into tears. I pulled out my lockbox of junk, sinking into my recliner. I closed my eyes, closing in the syringe and remembering little moments and conversations that make me happy just thinking about.

"I'm going away for a little while...to get better."

"But it's a really long time Dad..."

"When I get better you'll get to see me more...you'll be able to see me all the time."

"Yay!" Her little voice cheered. "I can't wait!

"Fuck...baby girl I'm so sorry...I do care...I promise I do..." I mumbled as I began to lose consciousness. "I love you."