Misprinted Lies (Alice in Chains/Bruno Mars)

Beautiful with You

"I guess I was jealous of you, Lil..." Jerry told me over and over, trying to win me back.

"You were jealous of me. What part of my childhood did you want exactly?"

"Layne wanted nothing to do with me for so many years. I took you back and forth because that was how I could see him. As sick as he got, he always, always wanted to see you...and not me."

"Alright but jealously isn't a good reason to be so nasty to me all these years," I snapped.

"You left."

"Okay," I snapped again. "First of all...still not good enough of a reason...and you left me...when I needed someone...and you shipped me off to Oklahoma with your family who I didn't know to a state that was nothing like I'd ever been...so you could go on tour...and...so..."

Jerry put his head in his hands and I got more upset by the minute.

"so," I said, taking a breath, "so you could continue using drugs after I just saw my dad waste away from them...after you just lost your best friend."

"So then why are you seeing a guy who did cocaine?"

Instead of explaining that Bruno no longer had a problem with drugs, I sighed, completely finished with the conversation.

"I'm sorry," he said immediately. "Lily I'm really sorry. It's just....Layne hated all of us. He didn't want to see us and we didn't want to see him. You remember what he looked like...he looked like a monster those years...acted like one too."

Rolling my eyes, I shook my head.

"But he still treated you so good...well...the best he could. You were the last one he really cared about...unlike anyone else in his family...and you were so good to him. You were just a kid and you were taking care of him. You loved him a lot..."

"I still do...I still miss him...so...much."

"I miss him too," Jerry said, pulling out something out of a bag. I hadn't even noticed the bag before this moment. He handed me the homemade book that I'd made for dad for many years before. 

"Remember this?" Jerry asked. 

Very slowly, I nodded as I looked through the book I made when I was little. I'd completely forgotten about it. Looking at it made it cry.

"Do you remember when we used to practice reading it together? We would stay up so late every night because you wanted to read it to him...and you did...I'll never forget that day, Lily...we set up a whole intervention and told him that you wouldn't be there. I'll never forget his face when he saw you...and I'll...never forget your face when you saw him."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"I think that's Bruno," I said.

Jerry didn't have a response.

"I know you're trying to be protective and all...but I've known Bruno for years now...and I love him...and I know that's hard for you to understand...but you haven't been around...and he has. You have to give him a chance...he's a good guy."

Bruno knocked twice more, so I called him into the room.

____________________________________________________________________

When I was invited back in, Lily seemed okay so I just smiled. Jerry was sitting a little closer to her. Everything was a bit more comfortable and a bit less awkward. He still gave me dirty looks. I didn't care though. She needed all the support she could get, and it was getting harder for me to do it on my own.

Several weeks later, Lily wasn't talking to me too much at all. I dreaded going to the hospital for the dosage the following week; wasn't doing well. Meanwhile, my manager was yelling at me saying I needed to continue the promotion for the next album and tour. I didn't have any answers for him or the record label. Dr. Chase said that they could try Remicade for a total of 14 weeks before moving on to something else. We were already at six weeks; time was running out.

The pain was getting to her. It got worse since the last injection. It was out of control. One morning, she sprinted out of bed and ran straight to the toilet; she didn't quite make it. I followed a trail of blood behind her, holding her hair back when I got to her. From the few steps between the toilet and the sink, I never let her go. She used some mouthwash and sighed.

"I can't do this, Bru-bru-bruno," she whimpered.

Her eyes were empty despite the tears. I lifted her up on the counter between the two sinks. It was so easy. Poor girl weighed practically nothing. It looked like she was deteriorating, like she was just wasting away. The disease, the panic attacks, and the medicines were all sucking the life right out of her. I put my arms on the counter on both sides of her.

"Yes you can, baby. You're doing great."

Lily shook her head. "No I'm not. This isn't working, Bruno. I think...maybe we should just go back to L.A and forget all of this."

"Don't you dare give up on yourself like that."

"I just...I'm tired of living like this."

"I know. It'll all be over soon. I know you can do this, Lil. I want you to believe it too."

When it came to her work and her record company, she never gave up on anything for any reason. I'd always loved how determined and persistent she was. I'd wished she took care of herself in the same way.

She wiped the sweat off her forehead with her arm, turning around to face her reflection in the mirror. "I look like a fucking monster."

I rubbed her back and kissed her cheek. "Don't say that. You look beautiful."

One of the things I had always loved most about Lily was her confidence. She could be wearing a t-shirt and jeans and be totally cool with herself. I never understood why she was so stubborn and why she was so tough. She had to mend from a world of pain all by herself. Now that she wasn't alone, she still didn't know how to take help from other people. It was hard seeing her throwing up and crying all the time, but it was more heartbreaking to see her self-esteem take a hit too.

I wrapped my arms around her.

"Are you kidding me? Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Lily, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Oh don't give me that."

If she felt that way about herself, what kind of crappy boyfriend was I? I carried her off the counter over to the bed, hovering on top of her.

"Well I'm not a fucking model."

"You're way too beautiful to be a model."

"Alright, now you're just bullshitting me...I'm not like...well Jessica."

I laughed a little, playing with her hair. "Thank god for that."

She rolled her eyes...again.

"Fake nails, hair, and fancy clothes. There are so many girls like that out there," I said, taking the necklace in my hand. She never took it off. "I picked you...and I will pick you over and over again."

I lightly massaged her cheek as her tears fell. She took a lot of convincing.

"You know how many girls would pick up needles off the floor? None. They'd run away, not like you, my love. The girl with blue eyes beat up the girl with golden eyes. You have a beauty that no other girl in the world has."

She pulled me down onto her, close to her face. "Thank you, Bruno."

"No problem. I love you."

"I love you too," she said with her hands in my hair. I loved that so much.

"And by the way, I find you incredibly sexy...everything you do. You don't have to be wearing a dress or even makeup. But damn, when you're drinkin' a beer and watching movies, and laughing with me...daaayyyumm."

She laughed and pulled me down for a kiss, shutting me up.