Misprinted Lies (Alice in Chains/Bruno Mars)

Dear Agony

Looking in the mirror was a monster. I didn't see Dad anymore. He'd left my side so long before. I took a few deep breaths and massaged my stomach, but it didn't make a dent. I couldn't have done it by myself. I sat on the bed and looked at a picture of us on the night stand, next to one of me and Dad. It made me smile; they both did. I didn't have to do this by myself.

I sat outside, right beside him. I was surprised he hadn't moved yet from where we fought. The box of muffins still sat beside him.

He didn't want to look at me, but I put my hand on his.

"I'm sorry, Bruno."

Behind his tears, was a smile. "I'm sorry too."

I took a muffin even though it was probably a terrible idea. He just stared and smiled at me. He was definitely itching for information. I finished the muffin and wiped my face off. Bruno just kept staring.

"What? Do I have crumbs on my face?" I asked, even though I knew why he was staring. I had explaining to do.

"You're gorgeous. I can't look at you?"

He wrapped his arm around my waist, kissing my cheek.

"Oooo," I groaned, grabbing my stomach. The muffin bomb hit its destination. "That fuckin' hurts."

His grip on me tightened. "Tell me what's going on, Lily."

"Alright, alright," I sighed and started crying. "Remicade...I can't go on Remicade." I completely lost control of myself to the point where I couldn't speak.

"Take your time. It's okay."

I held out my arm, facing it up. It was trembling. "Remicade isn't just a pill. It's a...needle. I can't...do that. I can't do it. I can't have them put a needle into my veins. I can't..." My voice was shaking.

"Lily you know that Remicade needles would help you. You know that it would be different than what you're thinking. It might help you."

"I know, but..." My reasons were pretty irrational.

He raised his eyebrows, waiting to see my reasons. I had no words to explain myself.

"Okay, fine. Maybe I'll call Dr. Chase and learn more about it," I sighed.

I saw him smile as I looked out past the large lake to the Seattle skyline.

"Pleeeease Lily," he begged, stroking my thigh lightly later that night. "I just wanna make you feel good. I love you."

I quickly got off his lap. "Are you gonna take the burning out of my stomach? Are you gonna stop me from feeling nauseous all the time? Huh?"

Bruno sat there with a pouting expression.

"Yeah that's what I thought," I said with a lot of attitude. I probably shouldn't have taken everything out on him but I had all my emotions pent up for years.

"Well then I'm fucking sorry then...sorry for trying," he snapped, leaving the room. "Bitch," he mumbled.

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I felt awful for saying that to her, but I was so frustrated. Did she not love me anymore? All this back and forth between having flare ups and not having flare ups was driving the both of us crazy. I just wanted her to be herself again, like the way she was before we'd gotten so close. It's hard watching the one you love suffering so slowly.

At the first Remicade appointment, I was nervous. Lily knew that I had come there and Dr. Chase gave me information that legally, he shouldn't have. He pulled me aside.