Misprinted Lies (Alice in Chains/Bruno Mars)

Fickle Visions

Jerry called me in the middle of the night, toward the beginning of a junk session.

"Layne, it's Jerry. Look you need to pick yourself back up and take Lily back. She's sick again, and she wants to see you. I can't take care of her anymore. She's not sleeping."

Ugh. Not again. I knew it was a Crohn's or medicine flare up. They were only happening because she was stressed about seeing Courtney again. She barely had any symptoms when she lived with me full-time for that short period.

Jerry dropped Lily off in the middle of the night, not wasting any time. I threw water on my face and got rid of the needles, but Jerry knew. He dropped her right into my arms and left.

Despite how shitty those past couple of days had been, looking down at her made me smile, as sick as she was. She barely gained weight in the past years. I tucked her in and went to sleep myself. Later that night, I felt her little hand tugging my arm dangling off the bed.

"What is it sweetie?" I asked, holding her close to my chest. She was clenching her stomach with her hand.

I could feel her sweat through her shirt. She breathed hard into my ear all night. Neither of us got a bit of sleep.

The next day, I was already feeling the effects of being without junk and it had been less than twenty-four hours. I was nauseous with a pounding headache. My body was telling me shoot up and my morals were saying don't fuck up, Layne.

Lily wasn't good either. It was late afternoon and she hadn't eaten all day.

"Honey, please try."

Her spoon made laps around the bowl of cereal, but she didn't take a bite. It was hard enough getting her to eat the smallest amount of food. Cereal was one of the few things that didn't make her sick. She shook her head, pushing the bowl away. Her eyes welled up with tears, her lips pouting.

I pouted back to let her know I was there and I understood, which I did. I handed her pills and she took them like a champ.

"Go pick out a movie. I'll be right there."

Her face lit up as she ran into the family room. I put our dishes in the dishwasher and went to see what she picked. She picked the Lion King.

"Great choice," I said. "Go ahead. Put it in."

Once she put in the tape, she ran into my legs and climbed on top of me. She cuddled into my chest. Her pajamas were so soft and her body warm; she comforted me as much as I comforted her. Halfway through the movie, she fell asleep and not soon after, I did too.

Later that night, after finally getting her to eat dinner, we watched the whole movie start to finish, at Lily's request. I carried her to her room since she was sleepy, and tucked her in.

"I love you," I whispered, giving her a light kiss on the forehead.

As I stepped on the door frame, she said "I love you too, Daddy." I could feel myself smiling.

Getting into bed, I realized how lucky I was. I wasn't only caring for Lily, but she was caring for me. I didn't feel the urge to shoot up once today and I have my little girl to thank for that.

Two days later, I fucked up big time. Jerry told my mom that I was shooting up with Lily in the house.

"Why would you tell my mom?" I asked. "She should be living with me."

"First of all, that's not exactly true, Layne. You're a fuckin' mess, man. We all are. I don't want Courtney to get full-custody back. Something happens to Lily when she's in your care, it would be the perfect ammo. She's scheming against you man. This is for your own good. She already has visitation, and you know they're not monitoring shit. Another big payoff to Seattle Police and Lily becomes her bitch again, full time. I know you want her here but if she goes back to Courtney, we might lose her. Like, really lose her." 

I couldn't stand the thought of that.

For the next three years, Lily was shuffled around between me, my mom, Jerry, Courtney, and Kurt's family. I started shooting up for hours each day. Lily's anxiety was through the roof.

I went with Jerry to visit Dr. Chase. He strapped a blood pressure monitor to her arm. Her breathing was uneasy. I'd never seen her like this before. It was never like this when she was with me. Her blood pressure was extremely high, as expected.

"Easy, easy, easy," Dr. Chase said, rubbing her back.

The sight of her trying to catch her breath broke my heart. All three of us were crowding her. She was shaking. I shooed everyone out of the room, including Dr. Chase, and sat on the stool in front of the bed. I held her face in my hand.

"Sh..." I whispered.

Her panting got more regular but was still harsh. I picked her up and rested my hand on the back of her head. She stared blankly at the scars and needle marks. I had let us both down.

Dr. Chase came back in by himself.

"Lily, are you okay?"

She gulped and nodded her head. I handed her to Jerry in the waiting room so I could speak with Dr. Chase privately.

"So Layne, the biggest problem here is that Lily needs stability. She's bouncing around from house to house and person to person. It's only being made worse by the medicine."

"Well we don't have much of a choice, now do we?" I snapped.

"Layne, listen to me. You need to get clean. She keeps asking me about the marks on your skin and I don't know how to avoid it anymore."

I tried so hard to prevent her from seeing anything. I needed my addiction though, just as much as Lily needed her medicine. We were both sick.

On a typical night in Seattle, stormy and dark, I made Lily her favorite food, macaroni and cheese. I'd only given her a little bit, since cheese wasn't always the best choice for her.

"Honey, it's okay. It's just a little thunder," I said, rubbing her back.

She took a big sigh and cried at the same time.

"You haven't touched your dinner. Are you feeling okay?"

When she shook her head and looked up at me with those eyes like river rapids, I just melted. I sat her on my lap; she was getting so big it made me sad. She shook like a leaf against my chest with her arms around my neck.

"I can't," she stammered. "It hurts...my tummy...Daddy..." her little voice slowly faded.

"I know, baby girl. I'm sorry."

It hurt to see her struggle when I struggled too. I put her to bed early, hoping to relieve her misery.

"Sweet dreams, princess. I love you," I whispered.

Someday, she was going to get better and beat her demons. She would sleep soundly and wake up completely pain free. I wasn't so sure about myself.