Misprinted Lies (Alice in Chains/Bruno Mars)

Final Closure

Bruno stared at me for a while. I no longer could hide my emotions from him, not that I wanted to. It got to be exhausting. It was the day after we found out the gender of the baby.

"What's wrong, Lily?"

I just came right out and said it. "Are you disappointed ...like that we're having a girl?"

"No...of course not. Why?"

"Bruno, guys always want a boy."

He put his hand on mine. "Lil, we're having a little girl. That could never disappoint me. I'm gonna have no problem with a girl...think about my sisters. Do you know how many tea parties and dress-up parties they forced me to do?"

I laughed at the thought of little Bruno in a dress drinking pretend tea. "I guess my hormones are just out of whack right now."

"Besides," he smiled. "I know you're going to teach her how to throw a football as soon as she gets big enough."

"Yeah," I laughed. "Probably."

I couldn't wait to become the mother I'd always wanted to have.

In bed one night, a couple of weeks after Bruno stopped touring, I sat in bed next to him. He wanted to be home with me from that point on until our little girl would be born. I really was getting excited that we were having a girl, and so were his sisters.

My heart started to race and I started to shake. It wasn't sudden but it was coming and I knew that it would last a while. There was a slow build-up, until I felt like I was going to die.

"Bruno..." I stuttered, feeling a tear already falling down my face.

Bruno dropped his phone onto the nightstand and brought his arm around me. It hadn't happened in so long, but he already knew. He rocked me back and forth. The attack was coming on quicker.

I cried and closed my eyes, but that never made it better. Her vicious attacks came back. Her face reappeared whenever I closed my eyes. I hadn't had problems in so long, until this point, until she returned along with all the memories of my past. Courtney refused to leave me alone, and I couldn't stop crying.

"I'm sorry I can't help you more, sweetheart."

The attack lasted three hours, as horrible as they'd been before.

"Bru, what am I supposed to do?"

He tightened his grip and kissed the top of my head. "What do you think is right, Lil? Do you wanna go back on pills? Maybe we can look into something for you to take."

I shook my head. "No."

"But Lil..."

"I just...I don't wanna screw up. What if I can't do this?"

"Do what?"

"Be a mom...like...I've always wanted a mom...but what if I can't...what if I fail?"

Bruno interrupted me, placing his hand on my growing stomach. "Lily you're gonna be the best mom in the world. You already are. She's the luckiest little girl. What are you talkin' about?"

"I can't raise a kid when I feel this way. I can't go back on those pills, Bruno. I think...maybe I should go to therapy."

Bruno smiled back. "That's a great idea, Lily."

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I held Lily's hand as we walked with Jerry into the therapist's office. She'd been going to a few sessions alone. The later ones were group sessions.