Misprinted Lies (Alice in Chains/Bruno Mars)

Flying Angel

For the next year, Lily was mostly with me, even during promotion for the album. . Lily spent some time with Kurt's family, more than she ever had before. I was beginning a new sort of family of my own. It was a little unconventional, but it was mine. I proposed to Demri despite what my friends said.

"Layne, she's not a good influence on you," Mike said. "She enables you to hurt your body and you can't be doing that. Lily needs you Layne. You're all she has."

Mike was the cleanest, most level-headed friend I had at the time, so what he said really did mean something. I felt blind to it regardless.

Soon, Jerry was after me. He was so pissed that I wasn't listening to a word he said, until he threw a dagger into my chest.

"Maybe the all those reports were right. You ARE a hopeless junkie who just cares about himself."

I could feel my eyes beginning to water. "Of course I'm a fucking junkie, Jerry! There's not a day I can go without..." I yelled at first, and then stopped.

Lily's laughter in the other room stopped for a second so I lowered my voice.

"But," I stuttered. "I just don't care about myself. I care about Lily though, so so much."

"Funny way of showing it, dickhead. If you loved her, you would get your act together and take care of her the way she deserves. She loves you and if you continue like," he hesitated and grabbed my wrists looking down at the needle marks, "this... then you're going to do something really fucking stupid."

As the months passed, Demri became very distant. She was getting drugs left and right and it baffled me because she couldn't even hold a job. 

None of that would have bothered me though. I was determined to have a family, even though Demri had no interest in being Lily's mother. Lily asked me all the time where Demri was; she'd often ask late at night when I couldn't be honest. Demri sold her body for drugs, not the best role model for a little girl but at the very least Demri could have been a non-abusive mother figure.

After a while, I called off our engagement. It hurt so much. Even though I was no better, my picture-perfect vision of us being together forever conflicted with her having sex with random dudes in hotel rooms. It disgusted me. How could she do that to her body? 

In late 1996, my picture shattered, leaving not even glass shards on the floor. I got a call from the Seattle Police Department. They told me to bring Lily down immediately. She was playing a new handheld video game I got for her. I was crafting her to become quite the little nerd; she did everything I did to get close to me.

"Honey go find your shoes. We need to go see Elliot. Remember him, that police officer?"

"But why?"

"I don't know, Lily."

When we got down to the station, Elliot pulled me aside.

"Listen Layne, the Seattle Police Department has decided to allow Courtney visitation rights again. It's not our division; it's the guys above us. The visits will be supervised. I'm so sorry.

I felt my face get bright red with anger. I almost punched the wall but Elliot held my arm back. My eyes stung with tears. Elliot's partner was talking to Lily. She started crying at about the time I'd heard the news.

I was about to yell at Elliot. I was mad at him even though I shouldn't have been. I was mad at the world but Lily was a much bigger priority. I cuddled her in my arms.

"Daddy..." she moaned. She was shaking.

Hearing "Daddy" was very important to me at this stage of my life. It was the only positive name I was called. I didn't have my friends as much. They didn't want anything to do with me anymore, but I was no better. I didn't have a fiancée or even a girlfriend anymore. My little girl and these needles were all I had, my angel and my devil.

Not soon after Courtney began her visits again, I got a phone call from Demri's family.

"Layne, Demri passed away last night. She overdosed," her brother told me.

I hung up on him and punched the wall. I was so weak though that it barely made a dent. I don't know what was worse, that she died so young or that I was on the same dark path. Jerry took Lily for a few days, worried about my anger, worried that my emotions would get the best of me. I would never hurt Lily. I already lost an angel; I didn't want to sacrifice another.

In those couple of days, I cooped myself up in my condo and shot up. I couldn't stop. I felt so weak and nauseous it was the only thing that relieved me. Wrestling with the devil was a hard thing to do; he was winning.

Demri and I fought, made up, made love, and then fought again. Most importantly, we made each other laugh; she was my best friend. We were out of our minds; we both started junk as young teenagers, as kids. When did we grow up? Together, we were the biggest toxic mess the world had even seen, but I loved that girl.

Courtney had Lily for a few weeks. There were no court dates to dispute or even talk about custody this time. A police officer would often show up at my place with Courtney and later with the "agreement" of when they'd come back when Lily was "too much." Everything about this situation was so fucked up. Everything. 

Late one day, I helped her into the tub. She'd had her hands clutched, covering her chest. She couldn't cover everything, though. Gently, I moved her hand over, revealing dark spots, burns. I knew the exact kind of burns they were too. They were the same size as the mark of ashes left in my lighter colored ashtray. Courtney had been using her daughter as an ashtray.

"Daddy!" she exclaimed with excitement, grabbing the "No More Tears" shampoo. "You got the fishy soap!"

Her face remained calm, not inferring that I was upset. When I took more time to examine her, she started to get the hint. Waist down, she had even more marks, scars, bruises, you name it. It was obvious that most of them were fresh, and that the abuse hadn't stopped.

"Sweetie you wanna tell me what happened?" 

Shrugging her shoulders, Lily shook her head.

"Well why don't you tell me?"

"No," she cried and whispered. "I can't." 

"Why not?" 

"Because I'm not supposed to talk about it. It's a secret."

"Is that what Courtney told you?" I asked.

Courtney stopped being a mother. I'd hoped that by me referring to her as Courtney and not Mommy or Mom, Lily would start to call her by her first name. There were plenty of other names Courtney deserved to be called, and "Mommy" was not one of them.

It took me a while to convince Lily that I wanted to take her to the hospital, but eventually she let me. The doctors had her in there for just a little, just to clean her up. What did the police do? Nothing.