No Control (Book 1)

73. 18

"No," I heard myself say. "No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't do that to me."

He wouldn't. This had to be a mistake. This wasn't really happening. Any minute now I was going to wake up from this horrendous nightmare.

"I'm so sorry," he said again. He was crying now. Crying down the phone to me.

"Stop saying that!" I snapped. I wiped my cheek furiously. "What happened?"

"I... I don't really remember much..."

"Well fucking try!" I screamed. I was staring to lose it as the reality of what he had done was starting to sink in.

"She just came back to my hotel, after we'd left the bar. I didn't plan it, I swear. I was drunk.. so drunk, Jess.. I couldn't even walk straight... I didn't know what I was doing."

The thought of someone else in Harry's hotel room, in his bed, brought a wave of nausea and a shot of fury. My hands were beginning to shake.

"You managed to have sex, so you can't have been that confused," I spat.

I took several deep breaths, trying to fight my emotions and regain control.

"I'm so sorry... I wish I could go back and change it. When I woke up I felt sick. When I realised what I'd done... to you, to us..."

"I can't believe this, Harry," I said, as a wave of misery swept over me. "I can't believe you would do this." More tears spilled down my cheeks and my chest heaved involuntarily.

He didn't say anything, but I heard another muffled sob. A new thought occurred to me.

"How many others have there been?" I asked.

"None!" he protested. "I swear to you, I have never been unfaithful to you before. I've never been unfaithful to anyone."

"But you made an exception for me," I said bitterly. "Thanks."

"No, I.... don't say it like that..."

"Why not?" I sobbed. "It's the truth. It shows how much you think of me."

Hadn't I known this all along? That one day, eventually, he would find someone prettier and sexier and more exciting? And of course, he had. The first chance he'd got he'd found some fucking Portuguese model, with a thigh gap and a Victoria's Secret contract. She was everything I would never be.

"I think the world of you," he pleaded.

"Oh please!" I shouted, standing up off the sofa and wiping my face again. "Don't you dare insult me with shit like that. This whole thing was just a game to you, wasn't it? Being charming and wonderful and making me fall in love with you... and the minute I admit it, you drop me like a hot potato for the type of girl you really want."

"No! Baby of course this wasn't a game, and I don't want anyone else."

"Don't... call... me... Baby..." I choked. "And you can't say you don't want anyone else, because you did and you had her!"

"I'm so sorry," he said miserably.

The sound of Harry's tears was ripping a hole through my heart. I'd never heard him cry like this before. I'd heard his voice crack on the phone when I ended things the first time, but it hadn't been like this.

"Its fine," I cried, my voice shaking. "It's my own fault, I never should have got involved with you. I knew, deep down, I would never be enough for you. I should have walked away, but I let you flatter me into thinking I might just be what you wanted."

"Jess -"

"I've been such an idiot," I laughed, but I'd never found anything less funny in my whole life. "I actually thought you cared. I actually believed you when you said..."