No Control (Book 1)

76. Don't Let Me Go

Songs for this chapter:

Pieces - Sum 41
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson

I've never done this before but these two songs jointly inspired this turn of events, and specifically the end of this chapter, so I thought I'd share them :)

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He took a moment before he looked up at me, and as our eyes met I saw a flicker of something pass over his face - hope, maybe? But then it was gone, replaced only by sadness.

This was it. This was the moment everything would be explained. This was the last time I would ever see Harry Styles. I knew in an instant that after this day I would never be able to have anything to do with One Direction ever again. This was the end for me.

"You came," he said softly.

"I need closure," I said, in the same tone.

"I know," he sighed.

He shoved his hands in his pockets, hunching his shoulders and looking at the floor so his hair fell forward over his face. He came a little further into the room and nudged the door shut with his foot.

"You don't have to keep your distance," I said, thinking out loud. "I don't bite. Or hit. Even when I want to."

"Do you want to?" he asked, looking up into my eyes. 

"Hit you?" I asked. "Yes and no. Honestly, I want to hurt you as much as you've hurt me. But I don't think any physical injury I could inflict upon you would even come close to the way you've made me feel."

Harry looked away, and I saw him swallow hard, but when he spoke his voice was steady. "I'm sorry," he said.

"You're sorry," I repeated flatly. "I don't want to hear 'sorry,' I want to know why. I want to know exactly what happened. From the minute you got on the plane to New York, to the minute you woke up beside.... beside her." My voice wobbled and I looked away too, refusing to let my emotions take over.

"Why does it matter?" he asked, staring towards the window.

"Why does it matter?!" I echoed in disbelief. "Because I was in love with you, and I thought you were in love with me too!"

"I thought I was," he said.

I couldn't even begin to deal with that sentence.

"So what changed? What happened to make you throw it all away for one drunken shag, when only hours earlier you'd been declaring your love for me?"

"I don't see how reliving it all is going to help, Jess." He still wouldn't look at me.

"Let me decide that!" I screamed, and he flinched and finally looked over at me. His eyes were slightly pink, but his expression was unreadable. "God damn it, Harry, why are you being like this?" 

"I don't want to hurt you - "

"It's a bit late for that."

He looked away again, down at his feet. "I'm s-"

"And don't you dare say you're sorry again," I said savagely. "I don't want to hear it. I want the truth. Every detail. I don't care if you think it's going to hurt me. I need to hear it. If only so I can hate you even more than I already do."

Harry stayed looking at the ground for a few seconds before looking up with a resigned look on his face. "Fine. If it's what you want. Where do you want me to start?"

"Why did you go to New York?"

"For a night out with Jeff."

"So it had absolutely nothing to do with Nadine?"