I had been working out a lot more than usual because I just needed something to get my mind off of everything. I needed an escape from the fact that my girlfriend had gotten raped and I had killed four men. The thought still triggers my gag reflex. I can’t tell you how many times I have thrown up because I have thought about that night. Flashes of me killing them wakes me up at night and I can’t breathe for hours afterward.
Anyways, I was doing one arm pull ups when I heard Allison walk into my room. I dropped down and walked over to her kissing her gently. That was pretty much the closest we have ever gotten in a while. I don’t want to touch Allison that way anymore. I’m too scared that I will hurt her or that she’ll start seeing those men again. I would hate myself even more if I ever did that.
Allison sat down on my bed, “Hey Scott!” She was acting so strange and I was almost positive what she was going to say and I knew that I wouldn’t like that. I wasn’t sure though and it was starting to worry me, so I dropped down onto my knees in front of her and grabbed her hands.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
“Scott…I want to talk…about that night.” I was right and I hated it.
I stood up and booked it to the door but Allison beat me there. I just wanted to leave and not have to talk about it. I don’t think she understood how painful it was for me to even think about. She didn’t get how I hated myself every single day for not being there and also for killing those men. I don’t think Allison knew how hard killing them was hitting me.
“Scott sooner or later we have to talk about it. We can’t just pretend like it didn’t happen!” That’s the thing; I wanted to pretend like it didn’t. I desperately wanted to believe that both of us still had our innocence. I wanted to believe that I was a good boyfriend and a good person. Talking about it would just make me realize how bad of a person I truly was. Anger was building up inside me and I looked at her.
“I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. About. It.” I growled to her.
“Please Scott… I don’t want it to be this thing that gets brought up that no one can talk about. I don’t want it to be the thing everyone ignores! I hate when people think forgetting and ignoring it helps. It feels like someone is telling me to just get over it. I don’t want to do that Scott. I want to be able to accept it.” Maybe Allison didn’t think that forgetting helps but it helps me. Why couldn’t she just see that? She didn’t see that I couldn’t accept it? She didn’t see how much it was affecting me.
“Accept it? Allison I CAN’T accept it! I can’t accept that you were touched in ways that only I should have touched you in. I can’t accept that I was seconds away while it happened! I can’t… I can’t accept that…” I paced back and forth in my room getting even angrier as I spoke. This was killing me and I didn’t even think Allison knew.
“Let me finish.” She interrupted, “Scott we can’t change what happened that night BUT accept that it happened and we can’t ignore that. I don’t want you to treat me like I’m a paper doll but I want to be able to talk about when I wake up from my nightmares!” She exclaimed to me.
I walked up to her yelling angrily “I do talk about your nightmares with you!”
“No you don’t Scott! I just barely start describe them before you say, ‘Let’s not talk about it babe.’ And then you just pet my hair until I fall asleep!” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’m sorry that I try to comfort her when she’s having nightmares and I don’t want her to cry anymore so I try to change the subject! It’s really selfish of me, being so selfless. What the hell was she saying?
“It hurts Allison! I can’t stand knowing you dream about them! I wish I could have those dreams for you I wish I could take the pain away the memory away I wi-“
She interrupted me, “You can’t wish it away Scott!”
I walked up to my desk and growled, “Talking isn’t gonna help either!” I yelled as I picked up a glass cup, throwing it at the wall with all of my strength.
“Talking helps me Scott!”
“How can it help?! How can you talk about that night and not be absolutely disgusted in me for not being there for you!” I was crying now and as Allison tried to hold my hand I walked away. I wanted nothing to do with her at the moment. I didn’t want her to see my tears and I DIDN’T want to talk. I sighed and shook my head, leaning my arm against the wall in front of me and grabbing my hair with the other.
“Scott you don’t see do you? You were there for me when no one else was. You carried me, you gave me your clothes, you bathed me countless time, you were there when I would break down crying, you were there when I had those horrible periods that I didn’t think I would survive because the pain was that bad from the damaged tissues.”
I shook my head as she talked and then ran my hands through my hair, pushing off of the wall. I turned, walking towards her and pressed my lips against hers gently. I had to be careful not to hurt her. Allison began to kiss me passionately and I hesitantly did the same. God, I hoped I didn’t hurt her but I had missed her so badly. I needed her. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pushed me onto the bed. I loved how this was going. I missed this feeling so much, being able to touch Allison how I wanted to without being scared of hurting her. Part of me was still scared and as she began to unbutton my shirt, I grabbed her wrists stopping her.
“A-Are you sure you want t-to do this?” I asked nervously. I didn’t want her to regret anything or to force me to stop like she had before.
“yes.” She muttered and with that, she began kissing my neck.
“Mmm..” I smiled and leaned back as she finished unbuttoning my shirt.
I sat up with her, taking my shirt off completely and I looked straight into her eyes to make sure I could take her shirt off as well. She moved my hand helping me and I slowly pulled her shirt off, staring at her beauty. I had missed this so much. My hands started shaking as I tried to unclasp her bra and she had to help me because I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t do it on my own.
Our lips moved in sync and my tongue glided along hers gently. Our bare chests pressed against each other tightly and everything was perfect. My hand moves down her sides slowly and I could feel the chill running through her body. I reached for the button on her jeans and Allison stopped. My heart started to beat faster than I ever thought it could. I felt so incredibly guilty as I looked up at her.
“Make me forget they ever touched me … love me Scott.”
With those words, I practically ripped the rest of her clothes off and began kissing every part of her body. My mouth moved down her stomach to her hipbone slowly and my tongue glided up her body before I kissed her neck. Then, I looked into her eyes, caressing her face.
I have no idea why but I just had to ask, “Do you love me Allison?”
“Are you really asking me that question?” She asked.
‘Stupid right?”
“Like world record stupid.”
We both laughed as we thought about the first time I had said that to Allison. I pressed my lips to hers and rolled over pulling her on top of me grinning.
For the rest of the night, I didn’t have to think about the sadness or the pain that Allison had gone through. No, I just thought about us. I thought about the way we were before and I realized that Allison was right. Maybe we just need to accept it. It’s true, the hardest part of ending is starting again.
