“Allison please tell me you’re joking. For the love of god you cannot be serious.” I looked at her sighing. I couldn’t believe that she had just said that! Was she not aware of how absolutely perfect she was? I lifted her chin making her look into my eyes.
She continued to cry as she spoke, “Scott l-look at me. D-don’t you see w-what a mess I am? You deserve a-a girlf-f-friend that you can be happy around. You should h-hate me.” Allison was obviously crazy. How could she not see how amazing she is and how happy she makes me? I wished that I could prove to her how special she is.
I mean seriously? I made her feel like she was worthless. If I made her think that I can’t be happy around her and that she is a mess then obviously I wasn’t good to her at all. My job as her boyfriend was to make her feel special, happy, and loved. I should have made her feel like nothing else mattered to me except her and that she is the most amazing person anyone could ever meet. How could she still love me if I made her feel like she meant nothing?! Honestly, I wished she would just move on and find someone better for her, that’s what she deserves.
I looked over to St- okay apparently Stiles had left the room. Great, now I wouldn’t have a reason to tell Allison that we shouldn’t do this right now. So, I just went for it, “Allison are you insane? You’re the one who doesn’t deserve to have a deadbeat like me who-“
“You know what Scott? Shut up. I want you to understand once and for all that I love everything you and everything about you.” There was no way she could love EVERYTHING about me. She loved the monster inside of me that tried to rape her? I didn’t think so. “Will you get it past your thick skull that I am absolutely nothing without you and without you I wouldn’t have survived these past few months sane. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I-“
“Bu-“ Allison put her hand up not letting me interrupt.
“All these months Scott. You’ve lied to me all these months.” This was coming out of nowhere! I just wanted her to know how much I loved her and that she meant everything to me and now it was all screwed up because of me. ‘Great job Scott, now you’ve messed everything up… once again.’ I told myself. “You know how you told me I had a tell when I lied to you have one too. Every time we would talk and I’d try to get you to understand how much you loved me you’d just kiss me and say I was right or when I would forgive you for things you did and you’d pretend you were alright when really it was killing you inside.” I looked down and frowned to myself. The only reason I lied was for her… she must have known that. I only lied because I had to be strong for her and I needed her to be happy. So what if I wasn’t happy right? I mean, were my lies that obvious? Why couldn’t Allison just understand that I LIED FOR HER. “You’re such a liar Scott!” Why was she so upset with me? “I hate that every time I tell you I love you, you blow it off because YOU think I shouldn’t love you.” It was true, if all of these things she was saying were true (they were) and she really felt this way, why the hell would she love me? “Well you know what? I’m in love with you Scott McCall and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Yeah, I was starting to get that, I just wished it wasn’t true. “Stop lying to me and for once be honest with me.”
Wow, did she really think that everything I said to her was a lie? “For once.” Did that mean that Allison didn’t think I loved her more than anything? Did she know that if I actually told her the truth about how I was feeling that she would feel 100 times worse? I didn’t want to make her feel worse about something neither of us could control, it was pointless. I guess I just didn’t understand that by trying to keep Allison happy, I was only making everything worse…
“Allison… I just don’t want you to have to worry about me. You have your own stuff to deal with so who cares if I’m a little sad from time to time. It’s hard for me to believe that you love me because you shouldn’t after everything I’ve done-“
“Scott! I’m not going to let a few mistakes ruin everything we have!” It was strange that she would say that because that’s exactly what she was doing. At the rate this was all going, Allison was about to ruin our relationship because of the few mistakes I had made. “Don’t you understand that no couples are perfect! You’ve done so much for me! I love you so much it hurts to be apart even for a minute! I know that when I’m old and gray and I’m sitting on a porch somewhere talking to my grandkids I’ll tell them my biggest regret was letting you go. I know it’s you. You’re the one I was meant to love. I know you love me but why can’t you get that I love you just as much.”
Were we actually fighting about this?! Most couples fight about not loving each other or not paying attention to each other and Allison and I were fighting over the fact that we loved one another more than anything in the world! What was wrong with us? I guess when you go through so much with a person it connects you in a way that no one could ever understand. I just didn’t want to fight anymore; I didn’t want to make Allison feel this way. All of this was my fault and it needed to stop before something bad happened.
I took a deep breath and looked at her, “Okay. I believe you. I know you love me and that you’re not going to leave me. I’m sorry for lying-“
“Come find me when you’re ready to tell the truth.” Allison said simply before running out of Stiles’ room. My eyes were wide and I watched as she left me. What the hell just happened? Did Allison just break up with me? Why the hell was a being so stupid… if I would have just told the truth and been a good boyfriend none of this would be happening? “Dammit!” I yelled as I walked over to the wall leaning against it. “You’re such a fucking idiot!” I hit my hands against the wall before putting my head against it. The tears started to fall down my cheeks.
I couldn’t live without Allison in my life, how many times did we have to prove that to each other? Not only do I ruin everyone’s lives around me but now I had ruined my life. The one person I truly care about in this world, the one that I would die for, the one that makes me whole was now gone from my life because I was too stupid to do the right thing. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do, I had to leave Stiles’ house soon but at the moment I couldn’t move, I could barely breathe. I was hyperventilating just because of the thought of not getting to spend every single day with her.
I only knew one thing… I had to get her back.
