Neither of us had really said anything important since Allison had fallen asleep. I would look back to check on her every once in a while and it was nice to finally see that smile I loved so much on her face. I hadn’t seen that smile in what seemed like a very long time and it was refreshing. It was nice to see that Allison was sleeping. At the same time I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss, the way they were all over each other and how long it had lasted. I had counted each time their tongues touched and the memory of it was replaying over and over in my head. Maybe this made me insane and maybe I was over reacting but I just couldn't get over the fact that they both enjoyed it. Even if they denied it, I could tell by the intensity of the kiss and the amount of time it lasted that they both enjoyed it whether it meant something or not.
“Scott can you say something? We’ve been absolutely quiet for the past hour except when you needed to ask me something.” Stiles said to me sighing. The truth was, I didn’t want to talk, I was just in that mood where every word the people around me said just made me feel worse.
“I’m sorry… it was hard. To see you kissing Allison… then she kissed you back and now I don’t know… Maybe… maybe she wants to be with you now.” I just let it out, Allison was asleep anyway so this would be good I guess. I was starting to accept the fact that Stiles was better for Allison than I was and that maybe they should be together. Allison deserves the very best and that’s definitely not me… but it could be Stiles.
“I highly doubt that man. She looks at you the way I look at Lydia. I know that look. She’s so in love with you that you can literally do anything and she’ll still love you. That was the worst part. Allison could never get mad at me, I almost killed her and I knew that when she woke up she would not be upset with me. There comes a point where you should be upset with the person you love, no matter how much you love them. When your boyfriend almost kills you or tries to… rape you, you should hate him and I hated that Allison had never once gotten upset about it. I was slightly upset at her for kissing Stiles that way.
“But maybe you’re better for her! You… you don’t know what I’ve done.” I looked down into my hands and a tear fell down my cheek as the memories flooded my head. My monster and what I had done that night are the things I am most ashamed of.
“What happened? Scott I know you’re still mad at me for not telling you about my babysitter but I’m still your best friend.” Stiles was right and he was lucky that I don’t hold grudges. Even though I didn’t want to talk, I was already talking and I guessed that it would just be easier to get it all out now. Plus, Allison was asleep so it wouldn’t be AS hard to tell the story.
I took a deep breath before speaking, “You know how yesterday I ran out of here after I heard that phone call… I went to Allison’s house… I don’t really know what happened to me… Learning more about the men I had killed did something to my head… I-I went to Allison’s house… I don’t know what was going through my head… I almost made her sleep with me.” I couldn’t say the actual words. I could not say I almost raped Allison. “She had to yell at me for me to snap out of it… And… and today I almost k-killed her. I almost ended her life…” If it weren’t for Stiles Allison would be dead at this very moment and for that, I owed him everything. “I love her so much I just… I want what’s best for her and if t’s being with you then… I’ll let her.” As much as I would hate it and as much as that would hurt me, I would let her go because that would be what’s best for Allison. That’s all I cared about, what was best for Allison.
“Scott. Don’t… don’t think like that. You know she loves you.” It was true, I did, but in what way? Lately I had just felt like Allison’s brother. I felt like the one person she could always go to for protection and that was great in all but… I didn’t feel like she loved me as much I loved her. I didn’t blame her, who could love me over Stiles?! I mean come on, the kid is funny, nice, caring, protecting, and he’s not a monster like I am. He’s perfect and I’m… well I’m nothing.
“Yeah well she told you she was so attached to me because I was the only one who understood?! I mean that doesn’t really sound like she’s been with me because she loves me.” I continued to look down, more tears were falling now but I wiped them away quickly.
“She was crazy glued to your side before any of this happened! Scott, she followed us to the middle of freaking nowhere to make sure you were okay! You guys were still broken up then! And six months ago both of you were making me sick holding hands at school and planning all those cute dates. Allison didn’t fall out of love if anything she’ll never let you go now.” I shook my head at Stiles, He was wrong, people change. Maybe she was just so attached to me because of everything we had been through together; maybe she just always needs me as a friend who will always protect her. I wished that she would just let me go.
“Hey Scott I love you.” I turned my head to see Allison sitting up. My eyes went wide. Oh god, how long had she been listening?! “Only you. I’m sorry I’ve been a wreck and a terrible girlfriend who’s depressing to be around.” How much more incorrect could one statement be? She was the greatest girlfriend anyone could have and I would be lucky to get someone who wasn’t even half of the person Allison is. She’s the sweetest, smartest, prettiest, most amazing girl I know! Depressing to be around? The only time I was ever happy was when she was around! “Please stop worrying that I’m going to leave you for Stiles or even Isaac.” At this point it was more like hoping, “I haven’t even considered it!” Couldn’t she consider it? “I love you and only you. Yes I’ve depended on you these past few months because you’re not only my boyfriend but my best friend. Please just believe me. I want you and only you.” I wished that she would move on to someone better than me.
“Stiles is better for you than I am anyways.” For some reason, when it came to talking to Allison today, I just had very few words to say, but so much bottled up inside.
“No offense to Stiles but he’s a brother to me. Yeah we kissed but only after you told him to and I wasn’t thinking clearly.” It wasn’t just a kiss. Yes, I had asked him to but I meant a peck. They full on made out, did she get that? “Don’t let one kiss erase everything we have.” Was she telling me that if I kept this up I would ruin us? Whatever she meant, it scared me. I just felt so bad and at the same time I couldn’t lose her forever.
I walked up to Stiles’ bed and sat next to Allison caressing her cheek with my thumb. “I’m sorry,” I whispered to her, “Everything just has been happening all at once. It feels like I can’t catch a break.” I just loved Allison so much and these feelings like she didn’t want me or that I would never be with her again, that I’d lose her were all playing with my head. Part of me just wanted proof that it was just me and her but then again, how could she prove that? I feel like what she said was as much proof as one could have yet I still had troubles believing. I had turned into a teenage girl on her period, my god.
Allison looked down at her hands and I felt her tears against my thumb and I wiped them off quickly as she spoke. “Scott I don’t deserve you.”
Was she serious?
