I refused to let go of Allison’s hand as she slept. I wanted to make sure that she felt no pain and also that she knew I would be there for her no matter what happened. She was asleep and she actually looked peacefully. Thankfully the pain had stopped and she seemed to be doing okay. Hopefully nothing was wrong and she would be okay meaning we could go home soon. I was actually starting to get tired but obviously I wasn’t going to sleep until I was positive that Allison was okay. My mother had tried to get me to sleep earlier, she said that she would watch over Allison while I rested but I refused.
Allison opened her eyes slowly and I realized her squinting so I immediately dimmed the lights for her. “How do you feel?” I said to her.
She sat up and looked down at my arm which had black veins popping out because I was taking away any pain she might have. There was no way that I would let her feel that much pain again. I mean, she was begging me to kill her; obviously the pain was worse than anything I could ever imagine. I would not fail Allison like that again, I would not let her feel that again.
“You don’t have to do that.” She whispered to me and I shook my head at her.
“Yes I do. It’s the least I could do after not being there that night. We wouldn’t be here if I had just been there that night.” It was true, if I would have been smart, Allison would have been safe and nothing bad would have happened to her that night. The thought brought tears to my eyes but I tried to hold them back and be strong for Allison.
“Scott… You know who I blame for that night? It used to be me. I believed for the longest time it was my fault. I was the stupid one that drank so much lemonade and didn’t go to the bathroom until she was bursting. I told you to stay and eat and I left my phone with you.” I wanted to stop her and tell her that I was the stupid one who took her there in the first place, who bought her the lemonade, and who let her go off on her own but I stopped as she continued. “But I don’t blame myself anymore. It wasn’t my fault because I couldn’t have known how those little decisions would change so much. You didn’t either. The only people who are responsible for it are the men who did this to me Scott. They did this not you, not me, them.” Maybe she was right but I had still tried to do it to her too.
“I almost did last night.” I looked down at my hands and shook my head. I was starting to feel ashamed again, ashamed that I had let him take over.
“But you didn’t. That wasn’t you Scott. I knew from your eyes that you weren’t yourself. You’re getting better Scott it won’t happen again.” How could she be so sure? She couldn’t know that for a fact, I didn’t even know that. “I woke up a while ago but I kept sleeping after I heard you laughing with your mom. I hadn’t heard that laugh in the longest time.” ‘Because there wasn’t anything to laugh at anymore,’ I thought to myself. “I was content listening to you talk I didn’t want to interrupt. Scott let’s just forget everything that’s happened before this moment. Everything.”
I wished it was that easy, that I could just forget. Maybe Allison could forget, but I couldn’t and I didn’t want to. As much as it hurt, remembering what happened always reminded me that I need to be better for her. Remembering helped me be a better person and it made me stronger yet weaker at the same time. So, maybe Allison could forget but I couldn’t and I never wanted. I wouldn’t tell Allison this though because I knew she needed to hear me say I would for her to feel better.
I wiped my tears and I started to become stronger for her, “You’re right. Ever since I found about how horrible these men were… the… thing inside me has been going away. What I did wasn’t right,” It will never be right. Killing somebody even if they were not innocent is still never okay and I’ll never truly forgive myself, “But if I hadn’t done it there would be other girls in hospital rooms just like you right now and who’s to say they wouldn’t pick another little girl or someone who didn’t have anyone to go to for help.” I looked down and sighed.
Allison gasped and I knew that the pain was back. My eyes widened and I put my hand on her stomach quickly. The pain was terrible and I realized now how badly it was hurting Allison. Honestly, it was so terrible and I thought for a minute that I wouldn’t be able to take anymore, but it stopped after a little bit and I took a breath.
“Thank you.” I heard her whisper.
I leaned in slowly, kissing her lips as gently as possible; I did not want to hurt her anymore. Brushing a strand of hair behind her ear I whispered, “Because I love you.”
She smiled at me, “I love you to the moon and back.” I leaned in again but I heard someone walking in and smiled slightly when I saw Dr. Fink.
“Oh good! You’re awake! I have some good news to share.” He said happily.
I sighed in relief that Allison would actually be okay. A slight smile appeared on my face as I looked at him. “What’s been causing this?”
"Well after we ran all the blood tests and everything else came up normal. There's nothing physical wrong with her. We thought it was possibly a miscarriage but it wasn't that either so I sat there thinking and realized a common factor. You told me you were in the kitchen watching the news and then in the waiting room she was watching the news as well. I looked up what was in the news today and I realized the pain she's having is psychological. It's common in trauma victims to experience physical pain because of a psychological reason. The rapists story on the news brought back memories even if it wasn't necessarily about her. The mind creates this physical pain but there's nothing to worry about."
Thank god, that meant that we could go home, I could get some rest and I didn’t have to worry about her dying or something. You have no idea how good it felt to hear what Dr. Fink had to say.
“So… what do I do now?” We both looked at the Doctor.
“Nothing. Usually just the fact of knowing it’s all in the patient’s head makes it stop. Of course avoid the news and any reminders for now but physically you’re good to go! I’ve already signed your release papers. The transporter will be here in about fifteen minutes to escort you out. I hope to not see you soon.” He laughed and walked out of the room.
I sat back down and looked at Allison, “Thank god. I was so scared it was something else.”
“Let’s not think about that. I’m alright that’s all that matters.” It was surprising how Allison could be so optimistic.
She reached over and pulled her lips to mine. I kissed her back passionately but as gently as I possibly could because I didn’t want to hurt her and I was still afraid to kiss her after what I had done the night before. It was sweet though and it was a reminder that no matter what we would always have each other.
