My eyes widened when I think about her words, ‘I don’t want to sleep.’ Did she actually just say that? She probably meant it like she just wanted to lay there and talk about stuff… right? I took a step back and of course trip over my guitar landing on her bed. As if I wasn’t nervous enough… she could probably see it on my face. I opened my mouth to give her an explanation when she started to speak.
“Don’t even worry about it. That’s exactly where I wanted you anyways.” Allison grinned as I looked up at her and I think my eyes opened even wider and I couldn’t help but smirk at her. She walked over to me and climbed on top of me kissing my lips. Oh my god this was so hot… yet I knew that I couldn’t, not after everything. I couldn’t help but think that my cologne was really working. ‘I should wear it more often…’ I thought to myself. As Allison’s hands ran through my hair and tongue tried to push through my lips, I obviously kissed her back but I didn’t want to lead her on so I didn’t kiss her as passionately as usual. After a minute, when I found the chance, I pulled away looking at her.
“Allison I need to tell you something else.” She rolled off of me as I spoke and her face looked worried. Trust me; I hated ruining that moment but… I couldn’t hurt her. She nodded and I continued to speak.
“We’ve slept together four times since what happened…” I took a breath trying to calm myself. I mean how exactly was I going to say this? I just hoped that she wouldn’t get the wrong idea; she didn’t need to feel bad over something that wasn’t her fault. Allison reached for my hand and squeezed it giving me just what I needed to continue on. “And each time, especially the first, felt like electricity was running through our veins. Like nothing had happened. Those six months were erased…but… after I feel so disgusted with myself. How can I touch you the way they did? I was just as bad as those men.” Their faces filled my head and I felt the need to throw up which I had noticed would probably never go away. “I felt like some tool who just wanted to fuck his girlfriend and didn’t think about you. You hide it so well Allison but I know it still hurts for you.” Did Allison see me that way? A tool who just wants to have sex with her, god I hoped not.
Allison took a breath and I looked up at her face slightly. She looked like she was thinking about everything I had said; I just hoped it didn’t make her feel bad.
“D- Do you n-not want me… in t-that w-way anym-more?” She whispered. ‘Great job Scott. Of course you make her feel bad about this.’ I couldn’t believe that she would think that! Was she not aware of how perfect she was to me and the affect that she will always have on me?
I looked up into her eyes with an upset look on my face, how could she think that? I grabbed her free hand tightly before placing it against my chest so she could feel my heart beat. Allison needed to know that I was not lying when I told her this. “You are the sexiest, most gorgeous girl I have ever met.” I smile slightly and fight off the urge to kiss her, “There’s nothing I want to do more than be with you every single day of my life. I just don’t want to hurt you.” My head tilted to the side and I hoped that she would understand and believe me.
“But Scott it’s been hurting less I-“ I had to stop her there.
“Allison I can’t even handle knowing I’m hurting you just a little bit.” She understood that right? I mean, I know that she would hate herself if she ever hurt me and just the thought of doing anything that those men had done made me sick to my stomach. I did not want to be anything like them and if I was hurting Allison in that way… well I was as good as one of them. “The first time when you cried after we finished…. I remember thinking I caused that pain. I had to go throw up because I was so disgusted with myself. I hurt you. The way they hurt you.” I looked down at my hands thinking about that night. I remembered how I had first felt the monster inside of me and for some reason I remember the moon that night. I remembered that I would just sit there and stare at the moon trying to make myself feel better or at least distracted. Just thinking about this made me feel even sicker… ‘not this again.’
