He won. I could hear him laughing at me. He knew what he did. He ruined everything I had with Allison. I wished it was just me. Even though it would mean I hurt Allison intentionally I would rather not have this monster inside of me. I didn't know if he would hurt Allison again. I was so absolutely disgusted with myself. I lost Allison. She would never forgive me for this. Honestly, I didn’t want her to. Why should she? She would never believe me now if I promised not to hurt her because it wasn't something I could promise. I didn't even understand it so I couldn't control it.
I couldn’t bring myself to stop crying. Everything was just too much. I was a complete wreck. One second I was filled with rage and the next I was broken inside. It was like I was switching back and forth between no emotion and too much emotion. That’s it; I decided that I was on my man period. Honestly, I was worse than Allison with these mood swings. At the moment, I was bawling and I could not control myself.
I listened as Allison tried to tip toe around me but I wouldn’t let her. Quickly, I grabbed her ankle and looked up at her. She gasped and widened her eyes as I continued to look up at her. I just needed her to show any sign of anger towards me. I needed her to yell or tell me to leave; I didn’t deserve to be there.
“Scott… I have to get dressed.” She whispered her voice still cracking. I had almost forgotten about what I had done to her shirt and her… bra. I shivered at the thought of it and closed my eyes quickly before opening them again. The self-hatred started to fill my mind again and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“Allison… yell at me please.” I begged. I needed for her to do it. If she didn’t everything would just be worse.
“What?” She asked me, completely confused as she knelt down next to me, still covering her chest. Why wouldn’t just yell at me tell me that I did this and then put a damn shirt on? Maybe she wanted me to suffer even more? Allison probably knew that by being nice to me I would feel even worse and the punishment would be better if she did it this way. She was a smart girl, I was almost positive that’s what she was doing. I hated it though; I couldn’t take this amount of suffering anymore. I deserved it though.
“Yell at me please. Tell me how much you hate me. Tell me how disgusting I am. Tell me you never want to see m-“
“No.” She interrupted in a whisper and I almost ran out of her room because I was so upset with her. I realized she wasn't trying to hurt me more by being nice to me. No she was honestly trying to understand. Why the hell wouldn’t she just realize how stupid it was to forgive me? How could she not be yelling at me? I sure as hell wouldn’t forgive her, given her situation there would be no way in hell that I would ever forgive anyone if they had done to me what I had done to her.
“No?” I asked her angrily.
“Scott. What happened to you?” She asked me and I couldn't believe she was giving me the chance to explain. She was giving me the benefit of the doubt. I was absolutely so horrified at what I had done and so sure she was going to never forgive me that I didn't even know how to explain it. Where would I even start? All I knew was that Allison wasn't going to yell at me and I think that scared me the most.
“If I explain it you’ll be disgusted with me…” I admitted it her. It was true, if she knew what was going on she'd be disgusted, who wouldn't?
She took a breath, “Did you mean to do that to me?”
I looked up, “No!” I shot up at her. Did she honestly think that I would ever do something like that to her? I loved her more than anyone else in the world and she thought that I would o that to her on purpose? She thought I was that sick?
“Then tell me what happened.” She for my hands which were shaking and I couldn’t help but look at her chest which was now bruised. Great, there was one more thing that I had done wrong showing itself right in front of me. I couldn’t help but cry and Allison stood up to put clothes on. She knelt back down in front of me.
“I-I a-am so s-sorry Alli-“
“Please tell me.”
I took a deep breath, “Ever since I killed those men I’ve felt like there was this monster inside of me. The only way I could describe is like if there was someone in your head trying to take over… He represents all the bad I’ve done starting with killing those men.” I didn't tell her everything because I would never tell her the worst parts. Allison didn't need to know those things she already knew too much.
“I still don’t understand.” Her voice was shaking.
“He makes me do things I shouldn’t. I don’t know. I can usually control the disgust it makes me feel to hear his thoughts in my head but today… Today someone called Stiles’ dad asking if they could help on his case. T-they were looking for answers about the four murders… H-he said their families were mourning a-and that they needed to know w-what happened…”
“Scott...” She was whispering now. “There is someone else inside me too. At least that’s what it feels like.”
“W-what?” I was shocked. Could it be true that Allison was having the same problems? Could she understand what I was feeling?
“Yeah Scott… I know how strong it is. I hate her. She makes me feel like I deserved what happened to me that night. She tells me to do awful things and she makes me want to push you away…”
I looked at her, shocked. I couldn't believe that we were so similar, that what happened had ruined us both.
“ I don’t think either of us will ever heal if we keep believing their words… I sometimes think I did deser-“
“Don’t say that.” I stopped her because there was no way I would let her say those things. Was she crazy? I don't care who you are, nobody deserves what happened to her especially someone as sweet and kind hearted as Allison Aregnt.
“Then don’t say you’re a horrible person for killing those men. It wasn’t you. It was him.”
“I-I never looked at it that w-way."
“Allison… She’s not you either. She’s the voices of the four men who did this to you. It’s not you.” She needed to know that.
Allison started to hyperventilate and I knew she was having a panic attack. “Allison!” I yelled before getting up and grabbing her old inhaler. It scared the hell out of me even though I knew what was happening because it happened to me too. I couldn't stand watching the girl I love go through these things, it was killing me. Giving her the inhaler, I watched as she took a puff.
Once she breathed in a puff, her breathing steadied. “I-I can’t believe… I just had an… asthma attack.” She spoke still trying to catch her breath. It was strange how she said almost the same exact thing that I had said when this happened to me
I corrected her, “Actually it was a panic attack… but the last time I had one Stiles gave me my inhaler too. Thinking it was the asthma attack ended my panic attack.”
She hugged me tightly and I sighed wishing she would just be mad at me. Honestly, it was crazy that Allison could still act this way around me. How could she not be angry with me after what I had just done. We fell asleep on the floor that night because neither of us wanted to move. I wanted to leave though. I just needed time to think for myself but Allison wouldn’t let me. I had given in to Allison but I was still angry and still depressed. I just wanted to leave but she wouldn't let me and I knew I wouldn't be able to sneak out, so, I stayed there, Allison’s head on my chest, sleeping.
