“Niall, we were gonna go out, do you wanna come?” Louis asked, the boys were hanging out at my flat, and I was simply lying on the couch, flipping through the channels.
Another month had passed since Greg’s death. I had gone back to my flat, and the boys would visit every once in a while. I didn’t ever really feel like doing anything. I just wanted to lie on the couch and mope around all day.
“No, I’m tired,” I mumbled, continuing to flip through channels. Louis rolled his eyes, “You’ve been sleeping for like a week. When will you actually be awake?”
Zayn hit Louis’s arm, and Louis muttered a curse word under his breath, holding onto his arm, “Hey, we need to get him to do something, he is going to have to do something tonight.”
I sat up, “Wait, why do I have to do something tonight?” I asked. Louis groaned, “You don’t remember? We’re performing tonight! It was on that one TV show, and you’re going, so you might as well get up now.”
“Fine,” I mumbled, pulling myself up so I was standing, “I’m standing, happy?” I asked. Liam nodded, “Very. Now, we’re going to go out and get some fresh air, so just go get dressed and washed up, so we can go.”
“Yeah, go out and get some fresh air. More like get mobbed by fans,” I grumbled. Liam frowned, “You know, you could work on your attitude.”
He just doesn’t understand. None of his siblings died; no I think he would eventually recover from this. He didn’t see his sibling die in front of him. He won’t ever understand what it’s like for me. He doesn’t have nightmares every night.
I just nodded and walked over to my bedroom. I looked through my closet, and settled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I really need to laundry, I thought, as I looked around my messy bedroom. Random clothes and miscellaneous items covered the hardwood floor.
I pulled off the pajama pants I was wearing and threw on my jeans and T-shirt. I combed my hair, not really in the mood to try much with it. I brushed my teeth and then walked out.
“You ready to go?” Harry asked, once I walked out. I nodded. I glanced down at my outfit. I glanced over at the boys who were dressed so nicely, maybe I should’ve tried a little harder to look better; after all, I’ll be seeing fans and paparazzi today.
In general, the guys just looked better. Most of them had a girlfriend, or have had some sort of girlfriend recently. I have been single for a long time. I would go on a date every once in a while, but I haven’t done anything involving girls in the last month.
We walked out of my flat and got in Harry’s car. Liam sat in the passenger’s seat, while Zayn, Louis, and I crowded into the back seat. They started joking around, and then Zayn talked about his date with Perrie last night. I just zoned them all out. I stared out the car window, not really caring.
It’s weird, the way I feel. I just feel so empty. I try to do the things I enjoy, but I simply can’t enjoy anything anymore. I just think about Greg, and it instantly makes me depressed. Then, I lie down, and try to distract myself, or I just concentrate on Greg. But, when I do that, I feel like crying, and I can’t cry. I’m brave, remember?
“We’re here,” Harry cheerfully announced. Is he trying to sound like that because I seem sad? Why do I keep doing that? I keep thinking that everything is geared towards me? Can’t Harry just be happy?
We all got out of the car and started walking. Within only like three minutes, we were noticed. A fan ran up to us and asked for a picture. We all agreed to take a picture. I put on a fake smile for the camera. Am I that bad that I can’t even genuinely smile when I’m with a fan?
She thanked us and ran off, so we kept walking. Liam glanced at some of the buildings, “Anywhere in particular where you want to go?” he asked. Everyone shrugged, and I just remained silent. Liam looked over at me, of course he noticed my silence, “What about you, Niall?”
I shrugged, joining along with the same gesture everyone else was using. Liam sighed. Am I annoying him? Did I do something wrong?
“It’s one, why don’t we go get something to eat for lunch?” Louis suggested. Everyone agreed on that, minus me, I just remained silent. We walked into some restaurant that sold burgers, I think.
We were given a table, and the waitress asked for our autographs, so we sighed a piece of paper, and then were given our seats. The other boys were talking and joking around, while I stared out the window that was next to our seat.
“So, what do you think, Niall?” Louis asked me, obviously trying to get me to join in the conversation. I knew exactly what they were talking about, but didn’t want to give my opinion, “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”
“You need to stop spacing out, Niall,” Zayn joked. Even if he was just joking, it was offensive to me. He doesn’t realize that I can’t help it. I just can’t have fun anymore, I feel like I don’t deserve it. I saw my own brother die… I don’t deserve anything.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. Zayn frowned, “You don’t need to apologize, I was just joking, Ni,” he replied. God, they are noticing. I need to act normal. I don’t want to be the freak among them; I just need to fit in with their attitudes. I smirked, “Well, don’t accept my apology, then.”
I saw a slight smile form on Zayn’s face when he saw that I was joking, “Well, maybe I won’t,” he joked. I was about to say something else, but then the waitress came. Thank God, I won’t have to come up with more fake remarks to make myself seem better.
“So, what can I get you all?” she asked, us smiling brightly. We all ordered our food, and then she left. Now they are going to concentrate on me again. This is just great…
“So, anyways, about the concert,” Liam said to me, “We’re going to leave at around six, and the security will pick us up for the concert and we’ll go through makeup and the normal. Afterwards, we are going to have a small interviewer with the host.”
I nodded in reply. Just great, an interview. I was hoping to get away without talking, but I won’t. I have to sing and then talk about one direction related news. And, I know that they will bring up something about Greg.
The boys started talking again, but I didn’t know what to say. I was worried that I would sound stupid if I said something. What if I said something depressing to make them concerned? I really don’t want people getting involved with me now; I just want to be alone.
“You okay, Ni?” Harry asked. My head instantly shot up, when I heard the mention of my name, “O-Oh, yeah, I’m fine, I’m just kind of zoned out today. Don’t mind me,” I added a small laugh at the end, hoping that they would think of me as normal.
“Well, don’t fall asleep on us or anything,” Harry, joked. Then, our food arrived. Everyone started eating, and I joined along. Thankfully, I didn’t lose my appetite through all of this. We all ate, and Louis started randomly talking about this crazy dream last night.
That got me thinking about the dream I had last night, no not a dream, a nightmare. And, it has been continuing every night for a month, more like since Greg’s death.
Sometimes I wonder if people can tell how sad I am. I feel so broken in the inside, is it really that hard to see on the outside? I sometimes wonder how I hold it all in. Well, I don’t have a choice. I can’t have everyone worrying about me; I don’t want everyone worrying about me.
