Silence lay thickly over us. I looked over into Emily’s eyes to see that she was shocked and confused at the same time. It’s so weird explaining depression to someone who doesn’t have it. No one ever gets it.
“I-I’m sorry,” I quickly spoke up, “I shouldn’t have said anything. I know how weird this has to be for you and-” Emily interrupted, “I won’t tell anyone, Niall,” her voice was sincere, and I knew I could trust her, “It’s kind of cute actually, the whole idea of this girl you’ve just met and fallen in love with. Niall, I know I’m a fan and everything, but I want you to be happy, and she’s the one that makes you happy, so I won’t keep you away from her.”
“I really do like you, Emily, but I can’t think of us as more than friends. We can continue being friends, right?” I nervously asked. I’m worried that she’s secretly plotting ways to kill me inside. She looked fine on the outside.
Emily smiled, “Yeah, I think friends would be better for us, anyways.”
I glanced over, realizing that we’d been back here for a while, “We should probably go back to Harry and Vanessa, before Harry starts suggesting perverted things,” I joked. Emily giggled and followed me back to the living room. We hung out the rest of the night with the others. I really hope that she isn’t mad. I just can’t date now.
Soon, the evening was over, and Harry was busy saying goodbye to Vanessa. I turned to face Emily, “Thanks so much for understanding, Emily. I hope that we can still be friends.”
She smiled, “Of course, Niall.”
I kissed her cheek and wished her a good night. Then, Emily and Vanessa walked out. Harry closed the door behind them and then headed back into the living room. We plopped down on the couch, “So, how did it go with Vanessa?” I asked Harry.
“Not bad,” he replied, “I like her a lot, but she just isn’t my type. I don’t mean to be rude or anything. I don’t know, she’s nice, but I don’t know if I want to start a long term relationship with her.”
I nodded, agreeing along with him. Then, Harry looked at me, “What about Emily?”
“Well, we decided that we work better as just friends,” I lied. Well, it’s kind of the truth, not really, but kind of. Harry nodded, “Yeah, I understand what you’re saying.”
Harry pulled himself back up to his feet, “Well, thanks for letting us have the date here again, Niall. I’ll see you later then. Bye.”
I said goodbye to Harry, as he walked out the door. I spent another hour cleaning up my flat. I glanced at the clock to see that it was already midnight, so I decided to just go to bed; I had nothing else to do. I headed over to my bedroom and stripped off my clothes, changing into boxers to sleep in.
Right as I was about to climb into bed, I opened the nightstand drawer. I saw the piles of notebook paper, covered in my messy scrawl. I pulled them out, leaving my suicide note and knife visible.
I set the papers on the bed and picked up the knife. I looked at the blade. You know, I could try to kill myself again. I still have nightmares about Greg sometimes. And, God, they just torture me.
I set the knife back in the drawer. No, I’m not going to kill myself right when I’m starting to improve. It’s weird that a girl I don’t even know is helping me, when my own band mates aren’t. I have to live for her. I have to meet her one last time.
I picked up the notes and read through each of them. By the time I finished reading the last one, a giant grin covered my face. I just couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by happiness. She just makes me so happy.
I stuffed the notes back into the nightstand drawer. I crawled into bed, throwing the duvet over my body. Soon, I was fast asleep.
*
Another week had passed, and yet again, no sign of her. Each day I’m growing more desperate. The idea of never seeing her again fills my mind, and I just can’t push it out. I don’t know what I’ll do if I never find her. I can’t live my life without ever finding another girl, and I just can’t get over her.
I pulled myself out of bed. I picked up my phone and realized that today was the day of the album release party. I guess this could be nice. It might be nice to get out, besides, this is for our album, I should be happier.
Why can’t I just get her off of my mind? It would make my life a lot easier… well, maybe not. Maybe I would be dead without her.
I headed over to the bathroom and decided to take a long shower. I let the hot water soak me, slowly relaxing my body. But, she won’t leave my mind! It’s every second of the day! I don’t know what to do anymore!
I finished my shower and stepped out. I got dressed and finished washing up. I headed into the kitchen and grabbed a bowl of cereal to eat. I plopped down on the couch and watched TV while eating breakfast.
This is just really boring. Yeah, I love touring and performing, but I just really want her so bad. I want someone to be by my side, someone to live with me, somebody to love. It would really make my life one billion times better. I would be so happy; I would go back to my normal self.
