It starts deep in your stomach, making you feel sick. You almost want to throw up, to give you a reason to get out. You are willing to do anything to get away from your problems, but in the end, you just end up facing them.
I didn’t know what to say, so I just remained frozen in place. My mouth opened to say something, but I only ended up closing it again. I felt like my family’s eyes were on me, which I assume they were. I had no idea what to do or say.
“Niall, what is this?” Dad asked, holding up the knife that I was going to use to kill myself. My dad then carefully took the paper from my mum’s hands. He held up the paper and I realized it was my suicide note.
“U-Um-” I finally stuttered out a word, but my mum interrupted, “Niall, w-why do you have a knife and suicide letter in your room?” my mum cried. I could see tears streaming down her face. It hurt me so much. She hid her face in her hands and sobbed. I couldn’t look, so I stared at the floor instead.
“Y-You thought you killed Greg?” Dad stuttered out. I looked up again and my dad’s eyes connected with mine. I could see the pain in his eyes, so I looked away again. I couldn’t say anything. I just looked at the floor of my room.
“Niall, did you try to kill yourself?” Mum whispered. Her voice was strained from fear. I couldn’t look up in her eyes. I wouldn’t be able to lie if I saw the tears in her eyes. My mum broke down into sobs again, “N-Niall, tell me the truth!” she cried between her sobs.”
“No.”
That one word caused the whole room to silence. Everyone was staring at me, even Emily. No one had expected me to deny their request. Ever since Greg died, I had been doing everything my parents said without any argument. This was the first time in a long time that I had rejected their request.
They had all expected me to break down in front of them. I would drop to my knees in front of their feet and beg for forgiveness. I’d admit I was suffering and profusely apologize for my mistake. They’d tell me that they would do everything they could to make sure I was fine. We’d all cry together as a family. But… that’s not me.
“N-No?” my father stuttered out, shocked by my word choice.
“No,” I repeated, “I’m not talking about that. It is none of your business. I’m an adult now; I don’t live with you anymore. You no longer control me. I’ve been away from home for years now, so I don’t have to tell you anything.”
Those words caused the silence t continue on. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t want anyone to know my secret, especially them. They aren’t going to get involved in my life now. I’m an adult; I’m going to do what I want.
“Let’s go, Emily,” I said. My parents remained silent as I intertwined my fingers with Emily’s. Emily shot me a confused look, but I remained speechless and emotionless. I led Emily out of my bedroom and into the entryway.
“What are you doing?” Emily hissed. I pulled on a pair of tennis shoes and threw my coat over my arms, “We’re getting out of here. Grab your stuff and we’ll stay the night at a hotel.”
“Niall, you can’t run away from your problems,” her voice was calm and comforting, but I wasn’t going to fall under her spell. I shrugged, “Well, I’m doing it now. Let’s go, Emily.”
Emily sighed, giving up. She pulled on her coat and boots. She picked up her bag from her dorm and we headed out to a hotel.
*
“Here’s the card to room 412,” the lady at the front desk dropped the card into the palm of my hand, my fingers closed around it, “Thank you,” I mumbled, walking away with my girlfriend.
Emily silently walked by my side as we searched for Room 412. She had been silent most of the car ride, too. I guess she isn’t too happy with my decision. It’s understandable, but I’m not going to run back to my parents’ open arms. I don’t want their pity or sympathy.
I found the room and stuck the card into the slot. The door beeped and unlocked. I turned the knob and pushed open the door with Emily still following behind me. I stopped at the door it close to as Emily walked further into the room. I closed the door and watched from the entrance as Emily set her bag on what she claimed to be her bed. She stared at the floor, not even motioning for me to sit with her.
I frowned. Did my decision really affect her that much? I didn’t mean to hurt her. It was supposed to give me an escape, some time. I didn’t think Eily would be so deeply affected.
“I’m sorry, love,” I quietly said, as I headed over to her side. I sat down beside her, our legs touching. I set my hand down on her thigh. The weird thing was that I could feel her body shaking under my touch. I frowned and pulled away, “Em-”
She quickly interrupted, “It’s fine, Niall. I’m not mad about your decision,” she quietly said. I wanted to see her eyes, but she wouldn’t look at me. The floors seemed to be pretty interesting, “Emily, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, Niall!” she snapped. Her eyes finally met mien, but once she realized that we had eye contact, her eyes fell a bit lower than my eyes, so we weren’t directly looking at each other. She bit her lip nervously, “Sorry for snapping at you…”
“It’s fine, love,” I replied, “But don’t lie to me, I know something is wrong.”
“… I can’t tell you,” Emily mumbled, her eyes still concentrated on the interesting floor pattern. I wrapped my arms around her body and I felt her flinch under my touch. I immediately pulled away, “Are you hurt?” I nervously asked.
“No, I’m not hurt,” I could hear the sincerity in her voice. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong and it didn’t look like she was going to tell me any time soon, “Baby, what’s wrong?” I soothingly asked.
“No, Niall, just stop,” she scooted away from me. I was really lost now. After an awkward minute of silence, Emily stood up, “I-I’m going to shower,” she whispered, her eyes didn’t even meet mine. it was like she was just randomly announcing it.
Emily grabbed her duffel bag and headed into the bathroom. I groaned and collapsed on her bed. My back rested against the duvet. My hands covered my face and slowly traveled down. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.
What have I done? Obviously, I’m scaring Emily somehow, but I don’t even know how! Let’s think… She got freaked out when I put my hand on her thigh and when I wrapped my arms around her body. I do that all the time, so why is it bothering her so much now? I just can’t put together the pieces.
My best bet was that she’s hurt, but that idea was immediately thrown out when she denied it. You probably would thin that she could be lying, but you just don’t understand our relationship.
I just knew when Emily was lying, and I new she wasn’t now. The sincerity in her voice helped me figure out the truth.
I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand between the two beds. It was nearly ten at night. I was about to change into some pajama pants, when I realized I didn’t bring anything. I quietly cursed under my breath. I was so unprepared for the small trip to the hotel.
I’ll just wear boxers to bed. I pulled off my tennis shoes and socks, then my coat was pulled off, lastly my shirts and jeans were stripped off my body. It was a bit cold, but the warmth of the blankets ought to solve that problem.
I heard the door to the bathroom open and Emily walked out. She was ruffling her red hair with a towel. She was wearing a pair of polka dot pajama pants with a Pink sweatshirt.
Once she finally looked up at me, her eyes immediately widened. Her mouth opened and closed as she searched for the right words to say. Suddenly, she started shaking her head as her body trembled, “N-No,” she whispered. I frowned, “No?” I questioned.
“No, I can’t do this!” Emily cried. I could see tears in her eyes as she ran back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. I heard the click of the lock in response.
Okay, what in the world did I do now? I have absolutely no idea. No matter how hard I thought, I just couldn’t think of it. Was it something I did? Or was it something that happened earlier?
I groaned and ran my fingers through my messy hair again. But, this time my hands were shaking. Damn, I was nervous. I was worried that Emily might want to break up with me for some odd reason. I don’t understand how… Hell, I don’t want to ever know, I think.
I knocked on the door, “E-Emily,” I managed to pull out from my mouth. I wasn’t at all surprised when I didn’t get a response. I wasn’t expecting Emily to just come out and say it. I wish it was that easy, but it never is.
“Emily, I’m sorry,” I apologized for no reason. There was a pause and Emily replied, “What for?”
Dammit, she saw through my motives. I was hoping that she’d accept my apology, but clearly I wasn’t thinking correctly. She obviously has something she’s hiding from me: problem or secret. And, I so badly wanted to know.
“I’m not a mind reader, Em. It would be a lot easier if you just told me. I don’t know what I did, so I probably shouldn’t have apologized for no reason. Do you really want to go on with all this useless back and forth? Because I’m already sick of it.”
My back was pressed against the door, my head turned so the words came through the door. I soaked in each word she would say, even if they were solemn.
I heard a sigh from the other side of the door. I wonder if her body is pressed up against the door, too, “Niall, I-I do have something embarrassing to tell you,” her voice was soft, but I could pick up every word she laid own, “You can tell me anything,” I breathed out.
Emily took a deep breath before beginning,” When Vanessa told me that she got me a date; I was ecstatic. I really was so overjoyed that I couldn’t calm down. When we went on that date at your flat, I was incredibly nervous; I bet you could tell, too. I was letting my shy personality come back through again. I had always been the shy girl who had barely any friends all through my elementary and high school years. When I came to college, I made sure to make an extra effort to be more talkative. It was really hard, but I’m able to talk to people normally now. But, that isn’t my secret. When you said you weren’t in love with me, but Jo; it didn’t shock me. It actually made me a little happy to know that you found true love. I wasn’t planning on having you fall in love with me, that idea just never came to mind. Then, that one night came. The night when you kissed me. You will never know how significant that was for my life, but it was huge. So… tonight you told me you wanted to come to a hotel room for the night; I was scared. I had read so many stories where a boyfriend and girlfriend would do it there. I was scared once we walked in. Whenever you would touch me, I was worried you were trying to make a move on me, so I ran to the bathroom. I showered and then walked out… when I saw you laying on the bed in your boxers, I knew what you wanted. N-Niall, I-I was just too scared! I-I can’t do what you want. T-The thing is… you are my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and I wasn’t ready for you to be my first time.
That’s a mightly long paragraph. Oh crap I was gonna run but it’s raining. Seriously, that’s my luck. I’m done early cuz I still have the written out chapters in my notebook. That one was the longest, I think. Okay, comment, follow, FB like, tweet, share, and vote (Every chapter please!)! Bye lovelies!
~Lydia ♥
