I swallowed down all the feelings building up in my throat. I didn't even want to look up; I didn't even want to stand up. I'm sure that if I tried, my legs would crumble beneath me.
I knew who was standing in the doorway. I knew that she was going to ask, and how in the world would I be able to explain? I can't tell her the truth; I'm not supposed to tell anyone the truth.
My hands palmed the hardwood floor, but I didn't pull myself up, not yet, at least. I stared at the floorboards, memorizing the small lines indented into the wood. My eyes wandered down the floor, stopping at a pair of boots. I finally decided that I should grow up.
I pulled myself up to my feet; a dark shadow covered my eyes. The sun was setting and everything was getting dark. Shadows of unseen spirits danced around the room in sync. I think they could feel my emotions. Maybe they are sucking out my emotions.
"Niall?" Jo repeated. Her words drifted in one ear and then slipped out the other.
I didn't know how to handle this situation. I couldn't think of what to do and I couldn't tell her the truth. I could only think of one solution: leave.
My eyes were dark as I headed towards the doorway. My head was still swarming and I couldn't remember how to move my legs. I was surprised when I started to move.
Once I was close to the doorway, I tripped over my own feet. I stumbled forward and quickly reached my hands out in front of me. My palms hit the doorway, quickly stopping myself.
"What's wrong with you?"
I looked up and finally met her concerned eyes. She didn't move, her feet were glued to the entry of the room. She stared at me, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
"I-I gotta go," I slurred out. Jo wrinkled her nose once my breath hit her face. It looks like she found out what I did, not my real secret.
"Niall, you smell like alcohol," she pointed out the obvious.
I decided that I didn't want to deal with this now. I need to get out of here before I say something revealing due to my decreased conscience. She's probably already pissed at me for drinking; I don't need more issues.
I tried to push past her, but my hand just hit the doorway. A profanity slipped my lips, but I didn't even care. I tried to push past Jo again, but she simply pushed me backwards, causing me to stumble over my own feet and fall to the ground.
"Niall, you're drunk," the words sounded like a curse word. Her face was expressionless, but she's an actor, masking is what she's good at.
"Just let me go home, Jo."
I couldn't control my voice. Alcohol is very affecting and I couldn't get the slur out of my voice. I could barely control my body- and that wasn't because my mind was becoming too powerful.
"Niall, you never tell me anything. For once can you just tell me the truth?" she was begging now. Jo really wants to know my secrets, but how can I even tell her? Do I really trust Jo?
"Stop bothering me," I muttered.
"Niall please-" she began, but I interrupted, "I said stop bothering me!" I loudly snapped. I didn't really want to consider it a yell; the word yell has such a negative connotation.
Silence creeped over the room, inflating my body with annoyance. I wanted to get out of here, but I knew that Jo would be able to catch me, after all I am intoxicated.
"I'm not telling you, it's as simple as that," I mumbled, attempting to cross my arms over my chest.
"Then why did you come here?" her words silenced the room, even the screams in my head. Once Jo knew she was successful, she continued , "You came to my home, Niall, there had to be some sort of reason for your motives. There is a reason, isn't there? Oh, and I happen to know it. You want to tell me your secret, don't you?"
Her all-knowing hazel eyes pierced my soul. I felt like my body was getting electrocuted. I wanted to loose away, but it was much too intriguing.
Her question stumped me. I always have an answer, why don't I have one now? Why does she always do this to me? I don't want her to have such an effect on me, but I can't let her go.
Do I want to tell her the truth? I hadn't ever thought of telling others my true feelings. They once slipped when I met Emily, but that's it. My feelings need to stay inside of me, that's where they belong. Meanwhile Jo needs more help. My problems seems microscopic compared to hers, so I'll just need to stay silent.
"N-No, I don't," I finally stuttered out.
Jo's gaze fell to the floor, "You aren't the guy I expected you to be, Niall. If only I could know what you're hiding it would then be so much easier for you. Even in your drunken state you keep it hidden. You really do amaze me."
I didn't even care what she said, I just needed to get out of here. I felt like the walls were closing in again and this time Jo was controlling it. She is controlling everything inside of me.
I could hear them screaming at me. I tried to reflect the noise, but Jo forced my body to absorb them. Her eyes had some power, don't they? She knows everything, doesn't she?
I wanted to explode. Everything was building higher and higher. I wanted to crumple apart but I was too afraid.
"I-I can't do this!" I finally cried. I realized that my eyes were squeezed shut, so I quickly reopened them. Jo stared at me in anticipation.
The words had already left my mouth... is there any way to take them back?
"What's wrong, Niall?" she asked again. Her eyes looked so kind and inviting. Maybe if I told her she'd understand. She is depressed, too, after all. Maybe we'd be able to help each other.
No, what am I even thinking? That's insane! Jo shouldn't have to help me. I help Jo and that's it. She needs more help than me, that's how it will always be.
"N-Never mind," It was the only response I could think of. Lame as it was, I didn't care.
She didn't say anything, though. She just stared at the toe of her boot. I was almost intrigued to do the same. It seemed to be a lot safer than her eyes, but I still wanted to stare into her eyes, so I didn't look away. Finally, Jo looked up again.
I had memorized her eyes. They were a beautiful hazel green that seemed to stand out even in pitch black. Her eyelashes were long and always covered in black mascara. Maybe had been dyed that color due to all the makeup she had to wear. The thin line of eyeliner on the top lid seemed to contrast her pupil, bringing out the color of her eyes even more.
I wonder what Jo thought when she looked into my eyes. Did she memorize them? No, of course not. She only knows Asher's eyes. I'm nothing and it needs to stay that way.
Something about her drew me in. I just felt something inside of me. I couldn't tell what was in control anymore: my mind or the alcohol. Everything inside of me- my mind, fear, anxiety, and anger- combined into one intense feeling for Jo.
I felt my body moving closer to hers, until my lips were an inch away from hers. I leaned even closer and connected my lips with hers.
I felt something more; no, I wanted something more. We'd kiss without touch and I really had to change that. I couldn't just keep doing the same thing over and over. I needed to feel something more.
My arms wrapped around her waist and I pulled her up against my body. I wasn't even surprised when she wrapped her arms around my neck. We held each other close within our arms.
I gently swept Jo over to the side and pressed her up against the wall. My body heat radiated to her body. My tongue slipped into her mouth and everything became more intimate.
For once, my head silenced. The room was still, but it felt like there were more people in the room smiling and glaring at me. I was doing a good job at drowning them out with Jo's lips.
We seemed to work perfectly for each other. We needed each other. No matter how many times we try to push each other away, we just come back. We need one another, even if it is risky.
Jo was the one to pull away first. I could still taste her lips even if she was farther away from them.
Jo stared at me for a moment and we said nothing; words were unnecessary. I felt dangerous, doing something illegal, but I loved it and I can't hold back.
"Niall?" she breathed out a word that interrupted our bliss.
"You mean something more to me," I whispered, taking a step closer to her. Unfortunately, my words were still slurred. I'm sure I sounded like a drunken idiot, but I didn't even care.
"What exactly do you mean by that?" Jo asked. She tried to act confused, but I'm sure she had some idea of what I was saying.
I pressed my body up against hers again, as alcohol pumped through my veins. For once, I felt alive. I felt like I was on top of the world and could get anything I wanted. The despair had finally washed out of me.
Jo gasped out, but was silenced by my eyes. Her hypnotic gaze met mine. I wasn't entranced this time. I leaned in, but didn't connect my lips with hers. Our lips remained an inch apart, "What are we, Jo?" I whispered.
"I-I don't know," she stuttered out. She quickly recovered from my dominant actions, "What do you want us to be, Niall?" Jo backfired. She wanted to be in control this time, but I wasn't going to let her.
"We're something more than what we've been pulling out-" I began, but Jo interrupted, "You're drunk, Niall. You can say all this crap now, but what about later? Will this mean anything tomorrow?"
"I'm drunk, but I still know what I'm saying," I answered.
"How do I know?" she whispered, her gaze snapping away from mine. My index finger gently lifted up her chin, so her eyes connected with mine again. I think I could feel sparks.
"Trust me," I breathed out.
Then, my lips pressed against hers again. She didn't hold back. Our lips moved in sync, like a cycle. We didn't hold each other this time, I just kissed her sweetly, and it was more meaningful that way.
We pulled away at the same time and Jo waited to see what I had to say. I remained silent, so Jo slipped her hand into mine and led me away from the doorway. I was guided to one of the rugs beside the bed, where Jo pulled me down so we were sitting on the rug. The bed was still off-limits.
"Lay with me," Jo quietly commanded, positioning herself on the large rug.
I laid beside her. The spirits whispered in my ear like the Devil and Angel on my shoulder. One told me to hold Jo in my arms, while the other told me to leave. I couldn't figure out who was the Devil and who was the Angel, though.
I took a chance and wrapped my arms around Jo. Jo turned around and positioned her body next to mine. Our figures melted together into one. Jo nestled her head into my chest and I rested my cheek on the top of her head, breathing in the smell of her conditioner.
We blended into one. We were perfect together; no one in the room could deny it. Our relationship was too treacherous of a journey that was the only problem.
Then, the thoughts of where my problems originated entered my mind. I remembered the call from my mom. How could I have forgot? That's why I got drunk.
"Let's stay here forever, Jo."
The walls absorbed the words. I wanted to tear them apart and read through all of the conversations.
Jo's eyes stared up at the ceiling. She let out a sigh, "Niall, what about Asher and Emily? What do they even mean to us anymore?"
I paused, "I don't know."
*********
(: early merry christmas, I'll explain everything laterrr
~Lydia ❤
